Uzumaki Naruto, Sorceror for hire
by Chibi-Reaper
Summary: Basically, what you see is what you get. Naruto knows magic. Also, Zabuza is accidentally transformed into a woman. Now you pretty much have to read it, right?
1. Chapter 1

Uzumaki Naruto, Sorceror for hire

xxx

Naruto shivered and rolled to the side, pulling a thin, motheaten cloth a tad closer to him in an attempt to ward off the chilly night wind. He was five, and had just been kicked out of the orphanage he'd been kept in until then, and was not exactly happy about it.

Actually, he wasn't quite sure how to feel about it. Sure the matron had sneered at him and tossed him into the street with no more than the clothes on his back, soundly berating him for being 'A useless brat that nobody would ever want to adopt in a thousand years', but he couldn't help but keep in mind that the orphanage was where the other children were... children that would 'play' by beating him until he could barely move, and blame all of their mischief making on him if they were caught. For whatever reason, the matron would instantly take anyone else's side over his, and he would be the one to be punished. Even if the other party was obviously in the wrong. Like that time Bert had eaten several fistfuls of strawberry jam and then fingered him as the culprit... never mind that Berts lips were stained red and there were globs of jam stuck to his fingers that he'd not bothered to wipe off.

It was for that reason that Naruto couldn't muster much more than a mild irritation at being banished from his former 'home', and probably wouldn't have even felt that much if he'd been given the time to pick up a change of clothes and the few coins he'd hidden away beneath his mattress. By now, they'd doubtlessly been found by that glutton, and would be used frivolously on sweets while Naruto starved. Dammit, he needed that money.

The wind picked up in intensity for a moment, cutting off his train of thought and sending shivers down the boy's spine as it easily cut through the thin cloth and seemed to scrape at his bones. As swiftly as it picked up, it slackened, leaving him shivering lightly. The empty warehouse was better than sleeping on the streets, but the broken windows that had allowed the small boy access did absolutely nothing to keep the wind out. But that was all right... Naruto had plans.

In about a month, the Shinobi Academy would be accepting a new crop of hopeful students. He was much younger than the average entry, but he didn't see much other choice. He didn't really want to be a ninja, but as long as he attended the academy, he would recieve a stipend from the Hokage's office... Even so many years after the Iwa war and the assault of the Youkai, Kyuubi, Konoha's ninja forces were still low. The stipend was like a lure... drawing in orphans and the destitute to help fill those ranks. A clever scheme that he was thankful for.

The stipend wouldn't be much, but it would cover the rent for a small apartment, the neccessary study manual for the classes, and some cheap food. A far better deal than wandering the streets, digging through garbage for half-eaten food. And if he decided to actually become a ninja, then he would be paid even more money, but have to take the risk of being killed by an enemy.

He sighed and rolled over, then paused as he heard a creaking noise. Where had it come from? He slowly sat up and glanced around the room... nobody was there, but there was that creaking noise again. He suddenly realized something and looked down to the floor he was sitting on. The wooden floor. The cracked wooden floor, which was creaking again.

"CR-" was all he managed to get out as the floor gave way beneath him.

xxx

He groaned as he opened his eyes, vision slowly swimming into place. He was in a pile of rubble, dirt, and broken wood. A quick check showed that, miraculously, nothing was broken. In fact, he was completely uninjured save a few scratches and splinters here and there. His luck was not to last as he looked up.

He hadn't fallen too far, but there was definitely no way he could jump high enough to grab the edge of that hole and pull himself out. There was no real way to climb up either... he was stuck. The only way he was going to get back to the surface was by following one of the tunnels... he wrinkled his nose as he realized he was in the sewers... until he found an accessible exit.

At this point, to the casual outside observer, time would seem to freeze as the young boy glanced both ways and split in two, a symbol of a fork in the road of life. One would arbitrarily head right and swiftly find an exit from the sewers. The other? He chose to go left, and so would his life take a different path. Time restarted.

Hours later, Naruto was tired, hungry, and sick of wandering the twisting, turning tunnels. He was so upset, that he barely noticed when he turned a corner and walked right through a broken wall and into a set of caverns. Then he blinked and glanced around, curious. He wasn't sure exactly where he was, but he was sure he was still somewhere under Konoha. And he had never heard of a system of caverns like this under Konoha.

Then again, given that he'd reached those caverns accidentally, through the sewers, it probably wasn't supposed to be common knowledge. Maybe it was a secret exit from the village, in case of attack. That would be good, because if it was then he would just have to follow it out and then he could get back to the village from wherever the exit was. Nodding, he began a slow walk through the area when a clicking sound caught his attention. Slowly he turned his head and stared, going pale.

The giant spider stared back at him, with its many eyes.

Now as the terms of giant monster spiders go, this one wasn't really that big. But it was big enough, and a spider roughly half again as large as he was was more than large enough to impress, and terrify, the five year old Naruto.

"N-nice spider... good spider... you won't hurt me, right?"

A drop of venom fell from its fangs, as though purposely to dash his hopes, and sizzled as it hit the stone ground.

"SCREE!"

Adrenaline took over, banishing Naruto's fatigue as he ran faster than he'd known he could run, the spider only a few short yards behind him.

After a moment of running, the scene changed again, to underground Greco-Roman architecture that seemed to be carved out of white marble... and lit by strange, luminescent bluey white rocks embedded in the walls and hanging in rusty iron cages attached to the roof. It was beautiful, although eerie.

Naruto didn't even notice as he blurred through, running for his life.

"Gottagetawaygottagetawaygottagetaway-"

He ended up in a big room, with a large sqare in the center and an open door on the other side. In the center of the square was a patch of old, rusty brown stains. He didn't recognize them offhand, but something about them set him off enough that he darted around the edges, losing a few seconds of his lead, but still blurring pretty swiftly through the door and slamming it shut. At about the same time he did that there was a big 'THOOMP' sound from the last room, accompanied by a tiny 'squilch'. He turned and sweatdropped.

A... ridiculously huge square pillar had just slammed into the floor, matching the square outline perfectly. After a moment it began to rise, revealing the completely crushed body of the spider. With a wince and a slightly green face he realized what the rusty stains had been. Then a more important thought hit him... where was he?

He glanced around at his surroundings. This certainly didn't look like the natural caves he'd been in. And it definitely didn't look like the sewers.

"SCREE! SCREE! SCREE!"

Naruto blinked and turned eyes narrowed. It was another spider. This one was even bigger.

"SCREE!"

"Here we go again... feet, don't fail me now!"

If he had stopped to think about it, he would be terrified. Being pursued by a monster spider in some buried ruins maze, filled with traps, where every corner he turned could reveal another monster spider or a dead end. But as he ran, he had no time to think about it, only to focus on escaping.

Naturally, the third corner he turned ended up being a dead end. Not giving up immediately, he ran all the way down it, hoping there would be a hidden door or a difficult to see passage or something. No such luck. He turned momentarily back to the spider, which had slowed down as though it knew he couldn't escape, and began scrabbling behind himself at the wall in a panic.

One of the stones he ran his hands over clicked.

Grasping at straws, he pressed it as hard as he could, and it sank into the wall with a soft hiss. At the same time, a circular patch on the floor began glowing. He was faced with a choice... the giant spider, or the circular patch of glowy stuff on the floor. Some choice.

He stepped into the circle just as the spider began its pounce, and dissapeared. The surprised beast crashed into the wall and began scuffling around, trying to find the morsel that had just been there. After a few minutes it scuttled away, the clicking sounds it made possibly being curses in the tongue of spiders. Or perhaps not.

xxx

Naruto gasped as he reappeared elsewhere, a glowing circle beneath him slowly fading out. The cavern opened up to show the sky outside.

"Wha... woah... that was weird. But I guess it was no stranger than the rest of what just happened. So... where am I now?"

A gust of wind blew past the opening to the cavern. Curious, he stepped out to find himself on a small path with no railing and looked out and down. And down. Way down. He stumbled backwards, landing on his butt. Wherever he was, he was really high up.

"Not getting down that way..."

He blinked as he realized something. Had there been buildings below? He creeped slowly to the edge of the floating rock and looked down again. Yep... buildings and a tower and faces carved into a mo-

"Holy crap, this thing is floating directly over Konoha!"

That begged the question though... If this thing was floating over Konoha, then how long had it been here? And if the ruins were as old as they seemed, then why had nobody noticed it before?

A sprinkling of pebbles and dust falling answered the second question at least, as they revealed a slight shimmer in the air that they had to pass through as they fell. Some sort of illusion, like ninja used? But that didn't really make sense... surely, if it was a Genjutsu, the shinobi on the ground would notice it every time they looked up, right? The only answer was that it was either a _really_ well hidden Genjutsu... or it was some other kind of illusion.

The implications of that one thought were staggering. If it wasn't a Genjutsu, then it hadn't been put in place by a ninja. What else was there? Over the entire continent, the only people who could do something similar to this would be ninja. Samurai typically didn't bother with such 'flashy tricks', preferring to simply cut the enemy to death with their swords.

He shook his head and began up the path around the rock, still tired but strangely not hungry any more. The only problem was that the path was thin and spiraled slowly around the rock, and the winds got fierce at these altitudes. Every couple of minutes he would have to stop and clutch at the rock face to keep from being blown off. It took much longer, but better than ending up a greasy splat when he hit the ground.

The sun had long since set when he reached the top of the rock and found a tower, apparently carved out of a solid piece of grey marble with white speckles. Not caring about the impossibility of such a huge chunk of marble, he entered and began looking through the empty rooms. Library, bathroom, another library, something that might be a kitchen, sheesh, another library, ah, here we are. A bedroom. Or at the least, a room with a bed in it.

He was asleep before he hit the bed.

xxx

He woke slowly in the morning, wondering where he was. He remembered that he'd been kicked out of the orphanage, and this definitely wasn't the warehouse he'd snuck into... after a moment of thinking, the whole set of memories returned to him and he winced. As of now, he had a really strong distaste towards spiders.

Shaking the thought off he sat up. Oddly enough, he still wasn't hungry for some reason. Definitely thirsty, and he really had to pee, but he wasn't hungry at all. He stood up and began looking for the bathroom when a wicked, evil idea struck him. Even this early, he was a prankster at heart. He left the tower and stood at the edge of the courtyard where, thankfully unlike the path, there was a hip high rail... neck high for Naruto.

"Aaah... that's better..."

Almost directly below, Mizuki's brow furrowed in confusion. It wasn't supposed to rain today... In fact there wasn't a cloud in the sky... And...

He tugged his wet shirt up near his nose and sniffed lightly, frowning.

"Oh YEAH that was good... although now that I think about it, the chances of it having actually hitting someone are really low. Oh well."

He turned and got his first good look at the tower and whistled appreciatively. He couldn't help it, it was damn impressive. The tall, monolithic structure on top of a freaking big floating rock, smack dab in the center of a tiled courtyard with bubbling fountains and... fountains. Fountains equal water. WATER! The boy's thirst hit him all at once, and he rushed to the nearest fountain, sticking his face into the pool at the base and drinking greedily.

After a moment he pulled it back out, dripping wet and sighed in relief. He still wasn't hungry though... Putting the mystery of his dissappearing hunger aside for a moment, he went back inside, intent on exploring the tower. After all, until he found a way down, it wasn't like he had anything better to do.

The tower had twelve... technically thirteen floors if you counted the roof. The roof was flat, with no guardrails at the edge, and there were small trenches carved into the stone that formed some sort of complex seal out of squares, triangles, circles and other shapes. Every other floor had roughly eight or nine rooms except the base which had twenty something. Every other room was a small library with over a hundred books, and all the others had at least a dozen books anyway... and this was before he found the hidden basement, which had three levels and apparrently thousands upon thousands of books. And a robed skeleton sitting at a table in the center.

Naruto warily approached the corpse, ready to dart away at a moments notice. Sure, he knew that dead bodies couldn't move on their own... but before yesterday, he'd also known that the largest any spider could grow was to about the size of a small plate. Having seen that fact of life proven horribly, terrifyingly wrong he was not prepared to take anything for granted just yet.

He was proven correct as, when he got close enough, the skeleton rattled and there was a deep hiss, as though it was taking in a breath. Naruto froze as the skull turned towards him, and was ready to do the 'run away' thing the second it looked like it might attack... but with a slightly softer hiss, and the crackly creaks of bones moving it reached into its robes and withdrew a huge book, and set it gently on the table.

And then the bones fell into dust.

Naruto was content to stare for a moment, and considered leaving... but he brushed the thought off. Where would he go? As far as he could tell, the only way off the rock was through the glowing circle at the base... and that would bring him back to the ruins with the spiders. He definitely didn't want to go that way. And as nice as this place was, he didn't really want to stay here forever either. The only way to find another way out... if there was another way out... would be to either search every single stone in the tower, which could take months or years, or to find a way to leave in one of the many books in the tower. That too could take a long time, and there was still no guarantee that there would actually be a way out listed in any of those books.

As he lifted and opened the skeleton's book, another stumbling block reared its ugly head. Whatever the language written in it was, it was nothing like he'd ever seen before, all squiggly lines and dots. He blinked as he noticed something else.

They were glowing.

Instantly alert, he threw it away from himself as hard as he could... but the book flipped through the air and seemed to turn to face him, glowing pages beaming a soft light in his direction. He tried to run but found that he couldn't move as the book dissolved into a ball of light and floated to him as it shifted shape. It circled around his head, extending fine tendrils to wrap around his face. Within seconds they began seeping into him, the thicker tendrils seeking simple access routes through his orifices... mouth, nose, ears and eyes. The thinner ones slowly made their way through the very pores of his skin. It was painless, something Naruto was incredibly thankful for, as the whole strange process took several minutes to complete, and the strange sensations left where there should have been pain left him quivering on the ground just as surely as pain would have.

The target of the tendrils had been his brain. Somehow... the book had known that there was no possible way he could read its contents, and had chosen to bypass the problem entirely... by carving all the information on its pages directly into his brain. He knew everything that had been written in it, and could daresay that he could read and write perfectly in that strange language... Dark Elvish... as well.

It had been the man's journal, before he died. It began by detailing a brief period of time before some sort of experiment... an experiment that had failed, and in the process moved the man's floating tower and a system of caverns through time and space. The journal listed his suspicions that they had landed on a completely different world from his own. The suspicions were later confirmed. The man had then placed a powerful illusion and withdrawn into his tower, performing a myriad of baffling and confusing actions in an attempt to replicate the effects of that one failed experiment. Over the centuries, he'd never managed it.

Over time, there were less and less entries on the man's attempts to return home, and more and more on the strange humans that had begun to settle in the valley below his tower. Naruto noted dimly that he had memorized an in-depth, accurate summarry on the history of Konoha from an outsiders perspective, and without the historical bias expected from the town's hero-worship of their leaders and more powerful and successful warriors. He also noted that he was thinking in much bigger words than he had before he touched the book.

He shook his head. That wasn't important... what was important was that the man had actually spoken to people like the Shodaime and Nidaime Hokage... so he had to have a way down! And if the man had a way down, then Naruto could find a way down! Excited, he searched his new memories, only to draw a blank. The man had not once written _anything_ regarding how he'd reached the ground.

Naruto refined his mental search, looking for anything that even hinted at the way down. Nothing... but... He turned and looked at a tome, almost as large as he was, sitting on a pedestal. The reference list for the library.

It took him a week to scan through the list, periodically checking a few of the listed books, before he found something that might work... but there was, as always, a catch. It was a book of magic, which was an energy similar to, yet different from the chakra Shinobi used to make justu. Also, it was a high level magic spell, equivalent to a high B or low A ranked jutsu. He would either have to study for years or be some sort of prodigy to pull it off.

Of course, this is where his legendary stubbornness kicked in.

It took him another day to find a book on the basics of magic, and then another two after that to read thoroughly through it. What the book took thousands of pages to say could be summed up in a few shorter paragraphs.

There were three 'types' of magic. Raw, barely focused magic used typically for destruction. Huge gouts of fire, chunks of hail the size of horses, repeated lightning strikes and the like. Semi-focused magic for more tricky things, like changing something into something else, or levitating things, or levitating yourself, or teleporting long distances instantly. And then extremely focused magic for the really hard stuff... summoning demons, placing wards on things, reanimating corpses as servants, or sealing spells into an object to be used at a later date just to name a few. The first kind would be learned without any foci at all, just force of will and magical power, as well as the occasional chant or mantra to add focus and power, although with experience that would prove unneccessary. The second would be learned with a wooden foci to force the magic through to distill it, typically a staff although the book had mentioned that some women preferred wands as an alternative. With dedicated practice, though, the magic could be focused to the point where he could simply use his force of will to channel it for the second level of spells. And then the third was learned with an athame, a ritual knife made of iron, steel, or silver. The metal was apparently even more difficult to channel magic through, and so focused it even further, as well as having the advantage of having a cutting edge for spells that required a blood component. Like the second, the third could be practiced to the point where it could be used with a wooden focus... and supposedly without any focus at all, eventually, though the book claimed that such a feat would take hundreds of years of intensive study and as such would be impossible for a human 'or any of the other races with shorter lifespans'.

Naruto shook his head. That seemed much more complicated than what ninja did... he didn't actually know what it _was_ that ninja did, but he had seen one perform a jutsu once. His hands had blurred and he had spat out a dragon made of fire. Then again, perhaps he was mistaken and he had just missed the complicated bit.

He picked up three more books, listed in the back of the first one as 'required reading for the apprentice sorceror', as well as another dozen that were only 'recommended' and began to read feverishly.

xxx

In the Academy of Magicks, of the place the owner of the tower Naruto found himself in came from, the standard length of time to become an apprentice sorceror was about ten years. Of course, this was taking into account the myriad distractions of the school... alcoholic beverages, late night parties, and pretty young sorceresses in training just to begin with. In the tower, where there was no food, the only available drink was water, and there wasn't a single human face other than his own, Naruto was able to focus more fully on his studies.

So the isolation played a little havoc on his young, impressionable mind and he began to forget how to relate to other people... so what? The point was that he had compressed a ten year course of study into just over a single year.

And now he was ready to leave. Preperations had been made... he mumbled something under his breath as he tossed a handful of glittery dust over a runic circle. It glowed with an inner light as he withdrew his steel athame and ran his hand over its straight edge. Holding it over the circle, he let fall three drops of blood before licking his palm clean. The wound had already sealed over... he didn't know why, but for some reason he healed extremely quickly. It was both interesting, as it opened avenues for blood sorcery that required more than his small body should be able to give just yet, and frustrating, as he could seldom keep a wound open long enough to spill the prescribed amount of blood unless he actually left the athame in the flesh, and even then the wound would sometimes try to seal around the metal.

He licked the blood off the blade as well... simply wiping it off with something still left a trace of blood that unscrupulous sorcerors could use to curse him from afar. The lessons from the books were well ingrained into his mind... and the unlikelyhood of there being any other sorcerors aside from him was disregarded. After all, where there had been one, there could always be more.

He sheathed the athame and went over to the railing, where he withdrew and extended a telescope. After several minutes of scanning, he found the perfect place for the other end of the teleportation circle. A small rock cavern about a quarter of a mile outside the towns walls, almost completely covered with hanging moss and lichen. The chances of somebody coming across it were extremely low.

He closed the telescope and set it down, then lifted his staff and slammed it against the ground. He chanted fiercely under his breath as winds began whipping around him and a circle of runes appeared below his feet for a moment. With the final word of the chant, his body flashed and dissappeared, reappearing next to the cave. He staggered with the effort it had taken, and stumbled into the cave. Thirteen minutes... he had another fourty seven minutes to set up the other end of the permament teleportation circle before the spell failed for a lack of connection.

Withdrawing his athame again, he began feverishly scratching a diagram and runes into the stone floor. When it was complete, he tossed the glowing powder on it. The diagram glowed lightly, then flashed, indicating that the circles had been connected. He quickly finished it with the prescribed three drops of blood, then slumped to the ground. Sixteen seconds to spare. His stomach growled loudly and he grinned as he felt sensations in his stomach that had been missing the entire time he'd dwelled in the tower.

He was starving. The sensation was magnificent... he'd nearly forgotten what it was like to eat. Sure, he'd learned the 'Create food' spell about six months into his training, but by then he'd forgotten what most things were supposed to taste like, so just about everything appeared looking normal, but tasting like ash and dirt. Except, for whatever reason, tofu and brussels sprouts.

Like every other six year old in the history of existence, he _HATED_ tofu and brussels sprouts. So the spell hadn't seen much use.

But now it was time to eat, and to remember what things tasted like so that he could create them on his own. Idly he wondered if they would take gold, as he'd left all the silver and bronze coins he'd found in his other robe.

xxx

A.N.

Okay, I've been working on this concept for a while, ever since I read that one fic where Naruto ended up reading and using a training guide early on in his ninja career. A joke guide meant for Sayajin warriors. Naturally, Naruto ended up becoming hugely powerful, able to fly, the works. But what caught my attention was that what he was doing worked by accessing the physical part of chakra alone.

Now that got me thinking. If he could do so well focusing on just the physical aspect of chakra, or ki, then what would he do with the mental/spiritual aspect of it? For that matter, what would the mental/spiritual aspect of it be? Then it hit me like a fifteen and a half pound salmon to the face. _Magic_.

Of course, the concept took a bit of work. Originally this first chapter was pretty much just a carbon copy of that other tale... Naruto overhears conversation, decides this 'training manual' thing is a good idea, buys one, not realizing that it has nothing whatsoever to do with ninjutsu at all... etc. As you can see, it has since undergone heavy revision.

Also, I had to consider what kind of magic to use. DandD type sorcery? Magecraft? Clerical spells? Druidism? Hugely powerful explosions a la Slayers or Bastard? Necromancy? Daemonology? Alchemy, or the construction of golems? or Fullmetal Alchemist type Alchemy? Ritual magic? Runecraft? Technomancy? Summoning, a la Final Fantasy and various other fantasy genre games?

With so many options to choose from, I simply couldn't decide. So basically what I did was take them all, throw them in an extra large pot on high, stir them relatively evenly together at a full boil, let simmer for ten minutes and voila! The kind of magic that Naruto will be using!

And yes... the 'Where there was one, there could be more' thing is blatant foreshadowing.


	2. Chapter 2

Uzumaki Naruto, Sorceror for hire.

xxx

Naruto's dissappearance hadn't caused much of a ripple in Konoha's day to day life. Sure the Hokage had been really upset about it, downright furious after he interrogated the matron of the orphanage he'd placed Naruto in, and there had been grumbles around October tenth, when the villagers suddenly realized that their scapegoat had gone astray, but all together, not much worth mentioning.

Naruto's _re_-appearance, however, had caused a rather large stir, especially when the cloak-wearing boy ('where had he gotten one in his size?' the whispers ran) had plopped himself down at a ramen stand that was on the verge of falling into debt and being closed down, 'Ichiraku', ordering a bowl of ramen, and paying with a handful of small gold coins.

_That_ had nearly caused a riot of a very different sort, but Ichiraku-san was very large, and had already swept the coins into his apron and was glaring at the gathered crowds, so they decided on taking a different route towards the goal of some of those gold coins for themselves. But when they turned to collectively leap at Naruto, they found that he was simply no longer there.

Sandaime-sama had been so relieved at the return of the Yondaime's legacy that he had left his tower, and coincidentally all of his paperwork, behind to track him down and offer to let him join the Academy early.

And he had been politely turned down.

That... well of course Naruto was free to choose his own path in life, but he'd really been banking on the fourth's legacy becoming a shinobi. Had bets set up about it with the clan heads of various ninja families and everything. So he'd shrugged and apparently accepted it. And found reasons to 'run into' Naruto once or twice a day for the next few weeks, and each time strike up a conversation that would inevitably lead to 'are you _sure_ you don't want to join the academy?' So it wasn't exactly subtle. Sue him. He was pretty much out of practice with subtlety and trickery, having gotten used to being able to just order people to do what he wanted. If he wanted Kakashi to squawk like a chicken, or for Gai to run five hundred laps around Konoha in a pink leotard, they would. They would privately curse his name afterwards, but they would do it, and do it exactly to the letter. Of course, he would never make such unreasonably pointless demands, so the point was moot.

Still, it worked, and after a few weeks of annoyance Naruto broke and agreed. After all, Hokage-sama had never said anything about _graduating_ from the ninja academy, now had he?

It was actually simpler than he'd expected to sabotage his own education in the ninja arts. The instructors had been unusually helpful in the matter, grading him especially harshly, sending him the most difficult questions and tests, pointedly refusing to offer him any aid or correct his (many) mistakes, and unwilling to look below the surface of the matter.

At least before Iruka had been instated as a new instructor, anyway.

Naruto... well he didn't hate the man. He was just doing his job. Doing it a bit to well for Naruto's tastes. He seemed to instinctually grasp the fact that Naruto was more than he let on, and would take the time to correct his Taijutsu form, make sure he memorized the handsigns correctly, graded him fairly, only sent him tests and questions that could feasibly be completed by one of the others in his class... Naruto had begun to think that the man was Sarutobi's last-ditch effort to make him take being a ninja seriously. As though he would...

All that really meant was that he had to make sure he failed the graduation exam. Spectacularly.

The first time, they'd just run a typical obstacle course that the testee had to make it through silently. A subtle cantrip or two, and the entire thing had fallen apart noisily as he passed through it. His loud (and false) objections to being failed had been ignored.

The second time, they'd tested Kawarimi no jutsu. But instead of replacing himself with the log, he'd managed to set both it and himself on fire with an apparently misplaced tora handsign. The hours spent recovering from the burns hadn't been fun, but it had been worth it.

The third time, he was finally in a class of children all his own age, but didn't much care. Third time was the charm, as they said, so it wasn't like he'd be seeing them ever again anyway. Although he did have problems keeping his title of 'dead-last' against that lazy Nara. He just had to fail once more and then withdraw from the academy after a few days. After all, having been so spectacularly horrible in the academy, it was obvious that the ninja life was not for him, no?

This time, the test was on the Bunshin jutsu. A simple, intangible clone. This time, he decided to make his failure truly spectacular.

The two Bunshin _looked_ normal enough. But just before Iruka could happily announce "Pass", they fell to their knees, clutching at their heads and moaning. The instructors watched in awe as their skulls bulged, the skin over them tearing, then the bone beneath shattering as the Bunshin brains exploded violently outwards, covering the room in immaterial gore as the false bodies twitched on the ground. Some of them were in varying states of pale and greenish at the display. He'd really outdone himself this time, hadn't he? Just a simple illusion spell and a twitch of the wand he kept inside his cloak instead of the larger and less easily-hidden staff, and they all saw what he wanted them to see.

"Uzumaki Naruto... Fail."

He had to supress the urge to smile and whistle cheerily as he left, ignoring the way Mizuki-sensei had oddly stood up and declared that maybe he _should_ pass. He'd made two clones, after all. It wasn't his fault they'd... er... died. He was instantly shot down by all the other instructors, as Naruto had known he'd be.

Later, Mizuki cursed softly as the demon-brat was revealed to not be where he was supposed to be. He'd expected him to stick around and angst over all the other children being congradulated by their parents. Why wouldn't he? This was his third time failing the graduation exam. Why, it was almost like... like... like the boy just didn't give a damn about becoming a ninja.

He shook off the odd thought. What kind of little brat _didn't_ want to be a ninja? The idea was ludicrous. Still... he couldn't be found. Well damn. It looked like he would just have to steal that scroll himself, without a convenient scapegoat to take all the blame while he made tracks. Crap.

xxx

Naruto was still surprised that nobody had discovered his more sorcerous abilities yet. I mean, he only teleported daily back to the tower, as he preferred it over the tiny apartment the Hokage had assigned him. Sure he would go back every now and again to dust and move things around in an effort to make it look like someone really lived there, but frankly, the tower was a much nicer place to live. And there were so many wonderful books, mostly on the magical arts, but one would find the occasional tome of philosophy or a goblin cookbook or the diary of an unusually educated barbarian or a scientific study into the mating habits of Naga and Merfolk. Naruto had flushed at that one, but read it out of fascination anyway, hoping that this would alleviate the need to have someone give him 'the _TALK_'.

Unfortunately, the fact that neither species usually had genitals, as such, meant that it did little more than mar his poor, little, impressionable young mind.

But today, he'd learned a new spell, and he needed to test it out. Hmm... but how? The arrow of flame would be best tested against a living target, but how to choose a target that deserved being punctured with a magical arrow and subsequently charred to a crisp from the inside out?

Hmm... time for some divination. He did truly hate that stupid crystal ball, and yet it was so useful at times... He sighed and removed it from its place in his cloak, glaring at it for a moment before it began to glow with a subtle aura and rise off his palm. Now, he just needed a suitable poem. A couplet would do, really.

"Orb of crystal floating free, show me what I wish to see!"

Simple, yet effective. Just how Naruto preferred things. The ball flashed and revealed a scene. Someone was stealing something... a scroll. They made it out relatively unseen, but an alarm was raised as they tried to walk innocently away. The scroll had been noted to be missing. Cursing, the figure broke into a run for the forest, and was revealed for a moment in the moonlight to be...

"Mizuki-sensei? Well, if he's the best target available..."

He began heading out. It was only an hour or so until sundown, so he had plenty of time to set up an ambush.

xxx

"The scroll is gone!"

"Mizuki has stolen the Forbidden Scroll!"

"Find him, Kill him!"

"Mizuki? Sounds like something the demon-brat would do."

The ninja who'd made that last comment barely dodged the kunai sent his way by Sandaime-sama.

"Find Mizuki and execute him for this tresspass and return the scroll to me. He can't have gone far."

The assembled ninja scattered, and Iruka took a moment to thing about things. If he was Mizuki, he would be... running as fast as he could out of Konoha. The nearest exit was... that way. And the forest beyond.

Iruka started running.

Meanwhile, Mizuki had just hit the edge of the forest and had paused for a breather. Running was one thing. Running with a huge, fragile, fifty pound scroll strapped to his back? Nowhere near so easy.

Which was why he could be excused for not immediately noticing the rustling of the bushes. He _did_ however note the deep growly noise and turned around and-

"OH DEAR LORD, WHAT IS THAT!"

A tendril slammed heavily into the patch of ground he'd just occupied, lifting from the crater it had left and swinging it sideways, crashing into a tree, which splintered from the force.

"A Gazer Beast. Drawn here and bound to my service through a fourth level 'Summon Creature' spell, if you must know."

Gazer Beast... the name was apt. The thing was a floating mass of eyeballs of all sorts set in pulsing pinkish fless, with tendrils of the same flesh extruding from random areas for equally random distances. Then he recognized the voice.

"You... Uzumaki Naruto!"

The cloaked boy stepped out of the shadows, cocked his head and smiled slightly.

"In the flesh."

A hail of metal followed these words, deflecting off of an invisible spherical shield a few feet in front of Naruto. There were brief flashes of light at the point of contact, but nothing else as the kunai and shuriken fell to the ground. Naruto's smile grew the slightest fraction.

"Did you really think I would reveal myself without protection, and risk injury? The Tarn's All-Purpose Shield spell is not the most specialized, and so not the most powerful defensive spell, but it suits the purpose."

"What... what kind of ninjutsu _is_ this?"

"The reality of things would take far too long to explain to one who is about to die. Consider them... a clan based style, if you will. Currently unusable by anyone in Konoha save myself. Now... let's play a game, shall we? I've no doubt you can kill a simple Gazer Beast, even with just your kunai and shuriken. But after that will come another monster, and another, and another, each more powerful than the last, and sooner or later you will fall. The better you fight, the longer you live. It's that simple."

The air around them shimmered, and Mizuki knew that some form of barrier had been set up. Then the Gazer Beast renewed its assault, and he had no more time to think... only to act.

Outside, Iruka had just pulled up to a stop next to the barrier, scratching his head. From this side, it was completely opaque and there was no way to enter... just like there was no way to leave from the inside, although you could see out.

Back inside, Mizuki had completely lost his cool when he noted the one tendril that was... er... _phallic_ in nature. Most experienced warriors could brush such a thing off in favor of killing the monster, but... Apparently he'd at one point come up against a skilled genjutsu user and now his greatest fear was... yeah.

So he'd automatically launched every kunai, shuriken, and other weapon he had against the thing. Unfortunately, in his panic, his aim had slipped. He was lucky if one in five weapons even hit home, and of those only one in three had managed to do any sort of damage, from being imbedded in an eye. Still, the thing had plenty more, and was only scratched otherwise. It approached the panicking and collapsed chunnin... and was dispelled with a wave of the hand from Naruto.

"That was truly dissappointing. It seems I overestimated your abilities severely. No matter... I still get to test my new spell on a live subject."

He extended one finger towards Mizuki before he could rise, chanting a line of Dark Elvish under his breath.

_"Fire, source of all heat and light, gather to me and fly straight and true. Pierce my enemies... Arrow of Deadly Flame!"_

Mizuki didn't even have time to be surprised at the indecipherable words before the burning dart launched from Naruto's fingertip lodged in his chest. He looked down, staring dumbly as the oxygen in his lungs ignited.

It was not a swift or pleasant death. Naruto arched an eyebrow at the result, a charred corpse with a large cavity in what used to be its chest.

"Well... that was interesting. Still can't compare to a simple fireball, though. Pity. Maybe I'll try that Minute Metor Storm spell next."

Another wave of his hand and the barrier fell, revealing a surprised Iruka on the other side. Naruto was just as surprised, but didn't show it, choosing instead to subvocalize a minor Silvertongue cantrip before speaking.

"Here lies a traitor to Konoha, slain by one of her unfavored sons. If you will excuse me, sensei..."

"Wait... you did this, Naruto? How?"

A quick adaptation of the same lie he'd used on Mizuki was in order...

"Secret techniques. Only I can use them, as far as I know."

"I... see."

Iruka took a moment to kneel next to the corpse and confirm that it had indeed at one time been Mizuki, and that scroll over there was, in fact, the Forbidden Scroll of Seals.

Then he smiled.

"Congradulations, Naruto."

Naruto frowned. This boded ill. He was correct.

"As I am a chunnin instructor, as was Mizuki, and as you've just done a great service to Konoha, and as you should be rewarded, I'd like to say... welcome to the Ninja, Genin Naruto."

Naruto turned away to conceal the writhing turmoil of emotions on his face at the news of his acceptance into a job that he hadn't wanted in the first place. He still couldn't bring himself to hate the man...

But right now he wanted to kill Iruka _so much_...

"Be sure to report to the classroom the day after tomorrow... your hitai-ate will be delivered to your apartment tomorrow morning."

SO MUCH! And it would be so easy too... just one little fireball, and the problem became, as it were, ash on the wind, and he wouldn't have to deal with it anymore.

Mainly because Iruka wold be reduced to ash floating on the wind.

xxx

Sarutobi grinned as he placed a cloth over his scrying orb. Not his place to watch the joyous gratitude of a student toward his teacher, after all. It was a private thing. Though he did wonder about that odd secret technique he'd used to create that barrier. And what _had_ that monster been? A clan based summon? But he'd been pretty sure that the Yondaime's legacy had been his actual son... still, there hadn't actually been any proof of that. Just the uncanny similarities between the child and the village's protector.

However, he'd never seen anything like this in the Yondaime's family. It seemed like Naruto was from an entirely different lineage altogether then... that could be a problem.

The date of the Kyuubi's attack had been preheralded by a... well, a peaceful meeting of all villages in Konoha territory. It was an experiment that seemed to have worked well, and would promote a more stable peace between the five great nations. For a week or so, the streets had been teeming with shinobi. Sand-nin would drink in a bar next to Mist-nin and Rock-nin, while Konoha-nin would give tours of the country to Grass ninja. At the end of the week, there had been a huge festival just outside Konoha's walls.

Granted, the effect had been spoiled somewhat by the distant appearance of Kyuubi. Most of the ninja at this point had immediately left for home, but a few from each village had decided, for whatever reason, to stay behind and help. Thankfully, most of these were the most dangerous kind who'd wanted their crack at a legendary demon. Many of them had displayed secret techniques and summon creatures every bit as odd as what he'd just seen while tracking Mizuki. It wasn't infeasible that one of them had brought a wife along, who had gone into labor with all the excitement.

In that case, the Yondaime might very well have just snatched the first infant he'd come across. Which, it seemed, might not have been native to Konoha.

Still, the Hokage had to wonder in that case... how had he actually learned the secret techniques? Such were, by their very nature, secret. The Hyuuga guarded their Jyuuken jealously, the Uchiha had been extremely secretive about the Mangekyo, which had lead to disaster, The Inuzuka...

The Sandaime had to pause at that. The Inuzuka learned their secret techniques from both the human elders of the clan, _and the canine ones_. Furthermore, their canine partner, or partners, chose them shortly after infancy, and created a bond allowing them to understand each others speech and, with effort, speak the language of the other. Even if Kuromaru was, thus far, the only canine elder to expend the effort to do so.

In that case... did he have an animal companion, similar to the Inuzuka? For a second he considered the Gazer Beast and shuddered. No... no that couldn't be it. Or not that one at least. Still... dissappearing for a year, then coming back different. Although he'd never seen an animal with the boy... then again, that could just be a protection mechanism. To his eternal sorrow, the villagers would likely be perfectly willing to kill any animal that the 'Demon Brat' called pet. So it wasn't so unlikely that Naruto might have an animal companion not dissimilar to the Inuzuka, who'd simply decided not to reveal itself publicly.

From that, it wasn't such a far leap to imagine that it might very well be this companion who had taught Naruto secret techniques of whatever clan he actually belonged to. Like pieces of a puzzle, many things suddenly snapped together. It all made sense... he was just happy that Naruto had apparently decided to stay here, rather than leave for his own clan, whoever they were.

Still, there was one piece of the puzzle missing, even as he labled Uzumaki Naruto officially as a Hijutsu user. The animal partner itself. He just couldn't bring himself to consider the possibility that that... thing... was it.

xxx

Elsewhere, Naruto was sulking. Stupid Mizuki. Stupid scroll. Stupid Iruka. Stupid Konoha. Stupid ninjas.

Now he was definitely stuck. In two days, he would be placed on a four man team. Three genin to one instructor jounin. This would definitely pose a problem, as he'd never bothered to recall the names of any of his classmates. Or interact with them in any way. Or acknowledge their existence. It worked for him much better than it did for duckbutt hair in the front, who constantly had girls swarming him.

Sighing, he took a sip from a mana replenishing potion that he had handy. Somehow, he got the feeling that he'd need to brew more of these. Oh well.

He'd been planning on leaving Konoha. Just walking out the gates and wandering the world... he even had a special transportation artifact crafted. Just set it where he stopped, then teleport back to the tower to sleep, and when he woke up he could teleport back to where he'd left the object.

Now, with him being bound to Konoha's service, that left him in something of a bind. Except for certain rare exceptions, shinobi only left Konoha while on missions. That meant he would be spending a good bit of time here. Which sucked. He blinked as something occured to him.

As long as they had the money, anyone could hire a ninja for something. Even other ninja. Many of the jounin found that little trick useful. If they didn't feel like walking all the way to the market to buy their own food, or mowing their own lawn... well, there were always genin to do it. And for a little more money, you could specifically request which ninja you wanted. They could always turn the mission down, but usually wouldn't.

So... what was stopping him from hiring _himself_ for a mission like, say, go explore (insert random ancient ruin here)?

Little did he know that he'd just hit on the secret of how higher level ninja would score paid vacation days. Sure, it would cost them, but they would get plenty of rest and relaxation as they 'guarded' hot springs and festivals.

Still... to do that, he'd need more money than he currently had. Gold was all well and good, but if he put in an 'anonymous' mission request for Uzumaki Naruto, but paid in gold... it would be obvious who'd made the request and it would most likely be denied. This plan required a little more thought be put into things.

He shook his head. If he was going to be a ninja, then he'd end up actively placing himself in dangerous positions. Not good. He'd either need something to boost his own magical power, to ensure that he could keep himself alive and relatively whole... or he would have to trust in his teammates to protect him.

Hnrk... snicker... chuckle... BWAHAHAHAHA!

Oh yeah, that was a good one. 'Trust in his teammates to protect him'... instant classic. He'd have to remember that. So, magical power boost it was... hmm.

Oh of course. A Familiar. Not only would it be able to siphon and draw ambient energies from the surroundings and convert it into mana for his own use, but if he was fortunate enough to attract something like a hellhound or some large animal through the calling, then it could defend him as well. He'd even read something about a sorceror who'd ended up with a baby dragon through the calling.

He'd definitely have to read up on some healing spells. Despite his distaste for unneccessary pain, and the fact that his own speed of healing seemed capable of dealing with just about any wound if left long enough, it really wouldn't do for his familiar to up and die on him.

But for the calling itself, he'd need to collect some things before he went back to the tower. A few cloves of garlic, a handful of rat tails, a bat wing, a leather pouch filled with flakes of rust, at least one gallon of some form of alcohol, a few sprigs of sageweed, and other components. Most of those were stored by the barrelful in the tower, but he'd definitely have to pick up the rust and alcohol, at least, in town. But how to get it? He was, technically, underage.

Hmm... this would be where a few mental compulsions would come in handy. How fortunate that he happened to be carrying a book on them.

xxx

The calling itself was a long complicated matter involving a complicated diagram of green powder, burning most of the components while placing the sake, as it was the most commonly available alcohol, into a small trough and spilling no less than a pint of his own blood into it in order to create a temporary rift through all levels of time and space to summon a being to serve as a familiar.

It was after that happened that things would get tense.

The booze was something like bait. Interestingly enough, almost everything capable of performing as a mage's Familiar had a taste for alcohol, and if drunk, the blood in the bait would act as a magical catalyst to bind the being to the summoner's service for however long he or she should live. For some of these beings, it would extend their natural lifespan significantly. For others, the time spent as such would be as a blink of an eye in the first place, so they didn't really mind.

Of course there were several instances where the possible Familiar, for one reason or another, chose _not_ to go straight for the booze. Typically, in these situations, the being would be quite aggravated at being pulled from wherever it was and whatever it was doing. So there was a chance that, rather than getting a familiar, Naruto would end up fighting for his life. Keeping this in mind, he chugged a mana potion and waited for his wound to heal before activating the final rune.

He held his breath as the pattern on the floor glowed and there was a flash of light, heralding a being crossing through the weave of reality.

xxx

A.N.

Chapter two up. And as for the Dark Knight's question... well he's not _technically_ a Telvanni. He's very _like_ a Telvanni sorceror though, if that helps. And actually, a good part of what I based this on had the corpse in the tower basement be a still living Dark Elf Telvanni Sorceror that would train him. Eventually, I scrapped that bit. Sorry.

And the reason that he's spent so many years without his magic being detected is directly linked to how much like a Telvanni he is. He saw no reason to socialize with the weaklings that, with luck, he'd never see again anyway, and so just came across as a shy kid with no friends. With nobody paying much attention to him, for one reason or another, nobody noticed the quirks in his personality.

So anyway, the Hokage's putting nonexistent pieces together and Naruto'll soon be getting a Familiar that will serve to confuse him even further. What will it be? The Hellhound that he would prefer? Some form of large predator? A minor demon? Some form of celestial entity? A talking animal? Some other sort of magical being? Something else entirely, perhaps? There's just so many options...


	3. Chapter 3

Uzumaki Naruto, Sorceror for hire

xxx

Naruto stared at the small form glugging down the provided sake as the flash of light died down. The fact that technically, a full gallon of the liquid _should_ have ruptured all of the tiny beings internal organs, killing it painfully, didn't really register. After all, this was an obviously magical being. Logic, and the laws of physics tended not to apply in the face of magic.

That just left the question of just _what_ his new Familiar was.

"What are you?" Naruto wondered aloud, having run a mental check for possibilities and coming up blank.

It turned and grinned, after having finished off the offered bait.

"What do you think I am, Boss?"

"... I don't know. Could you give me a few minutes? I'm sure theres a book in here on magical beings... somewhere."

xxx

"Okay... so basically, you're..."

"I'm what's called a Magical Mutt, Boss. Or a Chimera if you prefer the fancy term for it. Basically, we're what happens when you mix more than two types of magical beings together. Usually that only happens in the labs of crazy wizards. Me... I'm a special case, in that it occured naturally."

"I... see. I think. So you were born of...?"

"Well... it's a little complicated, but heres the basic family tree. On one side, my grandsire was an Archangel. You know... big white wings, white robe, halo, fiery sword, the works. But as it turned out, he was far better at hunting out and destroying the perversion of undead than he was at demons. He ended up getting drunk in a bar and being seduced by a Succubus, thinking that she was a human barwench. Not exactly so 'pure' as you would expect a Celestial to be, right?"

Naruto blinked and began rustling around in his cloak.

"Excuse me a moment... lets see... parchment... pen... pen... ah here it is. Keep going."

The small being frowned for a moment but shrugged. Magic users were almost as bad as scribes... they seemed to have a driving need to put everything they found interesting to paper.

"Well... if you know much about Celestial and Infernal entities, then you know that this could have turned out to be a VERY BAD THING. But somehow, it worked out well for them. Granddam had never been into the whole 'minion of evil' thing, Grandsire was pretty happy that she wasn't going to stop him from going out and 'being a purging and wrathful flame in the corrupted lands' and so on... and they both apparrently really enjoyed the sex. That probably had a whole lot to do with it."

Naruto was scribbling madly. This... this was magnificent!

"Now anyway, on my other side... we don't talk about Grandfather much. He was an Incubus, the counterpart of Succubi, but unlike Granddam, he really was into the whole 'forces of darkness' thing. In the end, Grandsire killed him, but not before he raped and impregnated Grandmother. She was a Fairy, you know. Actually, I'm not sure why he bothered with her except that she was in the wrong place at the wrong time and he was bored. Being a Fairy, she'd completely forgotten the whole incident after about a week, but the fact was that she was still pregnant."

Naruto was still scribbling madly. This was like one of those horrible soap operas. He had to make a study of the social dynamics of the involved parties, and how everything had worked out so well.

"Anyway, after Grandmother gave birth to Mam, she ended up wandering off. I don't like to say it but... Fairie's aren't known for their responsibility. So Grandsire and Granddam ended up raising her alongside their own son... one thing led to another... and the two ended up wedding and becoming my Sire and Mam."

"That... that's fascinating. So in effect, you yourself are two parts Infernal, one part Celestial, and one part Fae?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

That did explain the height. She was only a foot or so tall, which would still dwarf her grandmother, as the average Fairy was something like two or three inches. He didn't want to put much thought into the concept of one being forcibly impregnated by an Incubus, a demon that could reach six feet of height and more. He very much doubted that it was a simple matter of convenience for the being. Then there were the horns sweeping out from her brow and back over her head, the whiplike tail that came to an arrowhead point, and the fact that her feet ended in cloven hooves, and that the upper pair of her four wings were upside down. While the fact that she had four wings was probably a throwback to Fae genetics, everything else was heavily influenced by her mostly demonic heritage. Save one thing. Everything about her, except her oddly large blue eyes, was a soft gentle white. From short-cropped hair to feathery wings, to hide/skin, to the goatlike fur from knees down. He made a note to sketch a picture of her at some point to add to the study.

"Actually... Now that I think about it, I was at a family dinner. And given that Grandsire _is_ an Archangel and can travel freely between all realms, he should be arriving right about..."

Naruto stiffened and broke out into a cold sweat as there was a flash of light from behind him and the sensation of cold metal pressing gently against his throat.

It looked like he might well end up fighting for his life after all.

xxx

Actually, the Archangel was rather more understanding about the matter than Naruto had expected. After all, it wasn't really anyones fault... just an unnoticed flaw in the spell itself. And now they were bound together, and all, and the spell was unbreakable until one of the two died and all that, and there was really nothing to be done about it, so no hard feelings, right?

That didn't stop him from noting that if the young sorceror didn't 'treat his granddaughter properly' then he would have no objections towards ending the spell prematurely. He'd been significantly clutching at the hilt of his sword as he stated that.

Naruto made a note to treat his new Familiar with the _UTMOST_ respect and care. He held no illusions... he was a powerful sorceror for a preteen, yes, but it would be decades before he could hope to do anything but die against even a weak Archangel. Given that Soun-san's long black hair had begun to turn grey, indicating that he'd been around for quite some time, it would be something more like centuries before he could match him. Unless he did one of those life-extending rituals, it wouldn't matter by that point.

Still, best to get some rest now. Kazumi was exploring the tower, but he'd need to be up in the morning to go pick up that damned headband.

xxx

"So, what do you think of him?"

"He's... not what I expected. A Chaotic, yet Neutral alignment. Yet obviously not insane... well, yet anyway. And it seems he's gotten himself accidentally pledged to the service of that village, whose leader is Good, and yet mainly Nuetral."

"That bodes well for the future. Even if it is not his first inclination to do good, he can be convinced."

"I still do not believe that he can be the one."

"The seer was very clear about the matter, dear. He is the proper age, has trained himself in the mystical arts, and has just summoned and bound our daughter as his familiar."

"Hrumph."

"Now, children... We'll just have to wait and see what happens. It may be that we will not have to intervene at all."

"HA. Fat chance of that. The boy was terrified of Soun... there's no way he'll make it through the coming trials unaided."

"Well... I am rather intimidating. And it's not like I couldn't crush most of these trials singlehandedly, without use of my sword."

"But it's the boy who is being tested. And if he's a coward, then he will have to be... _pressured_ into the tests."

"I don't think he's a coward. More... wary. He probably knew full well that he was no match for me. There's only so much experience one can gain from reading books, and an unexperienced mage is an easy kill. Experienced ones now..."

The family meeting degenerated into one of Soun's many war stories.

xxx

Naruto spent enough time the next day in that dinky little apartment that he was there when the nondescript box with the forehead protector arrived. Immediately afterwards he headed back to the tower, planning on researching as many useful spells as possible. After all, the spells were mostly one-shot deals. Memorize them, then cast them, then you'd have to memorize them again. But _until_ he cast them, he wanted to be as versatile as possible.

Fourth, Fifth and Sixth level 'Summon Creature' spells, a 'Snowball' spell that wasn't nearly as harmless as the name sounded. A couple variations of the basic 'Chain Lightning', as well as an 'Entangling Vines' and a nifty little spell that would turn an average tree into a wooden golem, along with a similar one that would do the same for a couple hundred gallons of water, but into an ice golem... the problem with that was that used in hot climates, it would melt within hours. Then he'd gotten a couple more Fireball spells and a few healing ones...

So yeah, that day was pretty packed. And now he was in the classroom and waiting for his 'Ninja Team' to be announced. His presence _would_ have been objected by the children that actually _wanted_ to be here, except that the graduation exam had been held in a closed room, so for all they knew he could well have passed.

"Team seven: Uchiha Sasuke, Haruno Sakura... and Uzumaki Naruto. Jounin-sensei Hatake Kakashi. Team eight..."

Naruto mentally tuned out the rest. He was with Duck-butt and Pink-hair. That was all he needed to know. He called on everything he could remember about those two... huh... wasn't much at all. While Duck-butt was 'Number one rookie', and so could probably put up a decent fight, compared to the rest anyway, Pink-hair was just brainy. Which meant that in a combat situation, she'd be useless.

Naruto scowled mentally. He was a magic-user dammit! He was _fragile_. He _needed_ meat shields to keep the sharp, pointy claws/knives/swords/spears/etc. away from him while he powered up some blast of arcane destruction. These... these were pathetic. The Uchiha wouldn't last five minutes against anything that could be summoned with a third level 'Summon Creature' spell. And Pinky? She'd die to a first level.

The point of having a meat shield was that they were tough enough to _survive_ being used as a meat shield. If they _died_ then you'd have to find another. Which would be just _fantastic_.

Naruto forced the sarcasm away as he sat back to wait for their instructor to arrive. Most of the other kids had left by this time, Pinky seemed to only be interested in talking to the Uchiha, who wasn't interested in talking to either of them, leaving him back in a dark, quiet corner.

Just the way he preferred things. Although he _was_ slightly irritated as hours passed before the man actually decided to show up. Hell, if he'd known they'd be waiting this long, he'd have brought reading material.

Reading material being the diary of the barbarian Hrea the Scholarly. That was a girl he would have liked to have met. Smart enough to be intelligent conversation, yet beefy enough to serve as an effective meatshi- _protector_, that was it, protector. After all, all magic users needed a powerful protector. The fact that she was apparently half-orc would help greatly.

He blinked and halted his partial meditations as a man with improbable hair stuck his head in the room.

"You're team seven? My first impression of you guys... to be blunt, it's pretty bad. Meet on the roof."

Wow. That _was_ blunt. Naruto wanted to stab him. He reminded himself that if he got someone else's blood on his athame it would take weeks to purify it. Himself reminded he that he did, in fact, have other knives available to use. An accord was reached. There would be stabbing at the first available opportunity.

xxx

"So, lets introduce ourselves. Likes, dislikes, you know the drill."

There was silence as all three kids just stared at the one-eyed madman. Two of them were extremely antisocial. One just didn't want to go first. Actually, she was also kind of curious about the new teacher as well, so...

"Um, sensei? Could you, maybe, go first and show us how it's done?"

"... Right. I'm Hatake Kakashi. What I like and dislike are none of your business, you're too young to know about any of my hobbies, and as for my dreams... heheheh..."

Sakura just stared at the loopy grin that you could just tell was underneath that mask somewhere.

"Alright, you next Pinky."

Naruto grinned. On second thought, maybe he could delay the stabbing for a little while. Sakura just frowned but spoke up anyway.

"Haruno Sakura. I like..." She glanced at Sasuke and giggled, causing him to almost imperceptibly stiffen. "I HATE Ino-pig. My hobbies are..." She giggled again, louder, sending chills down the poor Uchiha's spine. "And my dreams... Kyaa!"

"Right... wow. You gave out almost as little information as I did." And she was remarkably two dimensional, he carefully did not say. "Alright, you next, brooding boy. The Uchiha one."

Naruto blinked. Technically, he wasn't brooding. He just sat in the shade because he preferred to be out of direct sunlight, and he didn't feel like talking to anyone just yet. It hadn't quite hit him just how similar in appearance such actions were to Sasuke's own.

"Uchiha Sasuke. I like some things, and dislike many more. I have no hobbies. And... I wouldn't call them 'dreams' but more of 'an ambition'. To ressurect my clan... and destroy a certain man utterly, in every way, shape, and form."

Kakashi sighed, at this point despairing of recieving any information that wasn't covered in their dossiers. What he didn't know was that Naruto had grown bored and decided to spice up his own introduction a bit. He was talking before Kakashi had the chance to point at him.

"My name is Uzumaki Naruto. I wield phenominal power, and have sociopathic tendencies in its use. It's not to say that I can't understand that there are some obviously wrong uses of my power, it's simply that when my blood starts to heat up too much I stop caring. Even now, I'm focusing on keeping myself calm so as not to go berserk and accidentally kill you all. I dislike boredom, and tend to alleviate such with my likes, which include reading, experimentation with secret techniques, and large explosions. I haven't practiced any of my hobbies in years, as doing so within Konoha's walls would lead to my summary exile and/or execution. As for my dreams, I feel that this is too personal a question to answer as of yet."

Quite naturally, both of his teammates had gone rather stiff and pale at certain of his proclamations, mentally trying to prove he was just spouting bullshit, but finding no evidence of such. There was no real evidence that he was telling the _truth_ either, so he could be joking, but there was no evidence that he'd lied. This was also in the forefront of Kakashi's mind as well, although he was much better at masking his sudden anxiety. Mainly because three quarters of his face was covered. Had he begun to access the Kyuubi's power!? No... No, his chakra seemed normal. Oh... just a joke then. Hahaha, good one. He'd just make sure to pound the brat later for nearly giving him a heart attack.

"Alright, now that we all know each other, there's one more thing to do. Your _final_, final examination."

"Wha... But sensei!?"

"Did you think that that little test before was all? No, that's just to weed out the losers that have no hope whatsoever as a ninja. No, the real test will be survival training."

"But sensei! We've already had survival training in the academy!"

"Not like this, you haven't. Because you'll have to survive... me. Six sharp, tomorrow morning. And... don't eat breakfast. You'll just puke it back up."

Kakashi dissappeared in a swirl of leaves, but not too far. He wanted to see how they reacted to this. And he was dissappointed. Sasuke had immediately headed off one way, with Sakura trailing behind him like a lovesick puppy. Naruto had gone completely the other.

This... this was just great. How the hell was he supposed to pound the concept of teamwork into these brat's skulls? Sakura would gladly to anything Sasuke asked... but would ignore Naruto's existence, so long as he wasn't doing something that couldn't be ignored, like actively putting a kunai to her throat. Sasuke was similar, but would ignore both Sakura and Naruto, and Naruto was just as bad.

Why did they always dump the problem cases on him? Every single bloody time... and then they have the gall to wonder just why he'd never passed a team.

xxx

Hmm... it was cold. That was easily dealt with, by a minor cantrip that caused 'protection from elements'. Ah, that was better. Let the two plebians wonder why they were shivering and he wasn't. They'd probably blame it on his cloak. Tough. If they were dumb enough to come out here in the early, early morning without something to keep them warm, they deserved to stay cold.

He removed the diary from a pocket inside his cloak once the sun rose, not knowing, but suspecting that Kakashi would leave them waiting here for the next few hours. Hours that could be well spent puzzling out the confusing Orcish script. That Hrea's handwriting wasn't the best about made things more difficult.

Hours later, he'd translated a page and a half and Kakashi had finally arrived. Pity, it was just getting to the good bit, involving barrels of cheese, duergar, and a lava flow. Even when she was completely outnumbered and outclassed, she'd figured out a trap to cut the enemy down to size.

And Kakashi was talking. Whoops. Better pay attention.

"...Two bells. So at best, only two of you can pass, although there's a chance that only one or none of you will get a bell, and will all be returning to the academy."

Naruto raised a hand.

"Yes?"

"So... technically, I could just walk away and let these two become ninja, while I myself was dropped from the program?"

"... Yes?"

Naruto considered the pros and cons of such an action for a moment before nodding and turning away. He made it three whole steps before Kakashi's hand clamped down on his shoulder.

"That was what ninja's and those in the poker profession call a 'bluff'. And while I'm impressed that you called it, you're not allowed to leave. You have to at least make the attempt to get a bell."

"Hmph. Fine. But I hope you know what you're getting into, _sensei_."

Kakashi considered that for a moment before brushing it off. He was just a Genin... what could he possibly do? Famous last words.

"In any case, you have until this clock hits noon. Begin."

Sakura and Sasuke dissappeared into the cover of the nearby trees and undergrowth. Kakashi nodded... it wasn't as good as he'd prefer, but it was decent for genin and... he blinked as he realized that Naruto hadn't moved an iota, and seemed to be considering his next move carefully.

He tensed his muscles, ready for the attack. There was always one that immediately went this route. Although... he was waiting an awful long time... to? He just turned around.

"It would be most polite to allow the others to attack first. Have fun."

Then he sat down under a tree. Kakashi just stared at the sheer... sheer... _whatever_ of him as, just for a moment, he let down his guard. Though not enough that when Sasuke let loose a barrage of pointy metal, he couldn't perform kawarimi.

"Crap! He was faking it!"

Sasuke took off, in an attempt to find someplace else to hide, heading deeper into the woods. Kakashi sighed and glanced between the direction he'd fled and where Naruto was reading an old, leather-wrapped book in the shade of a tree. Then his eyes turned to where Sakura had hidden herself, and he shunshined behind her.

"Magen: Narakumi no jutsu."

Now to see how she reacted to the... huh. Wow. And she was supposed to be a Genjutsu specialist in the making? Three and a half seconds of her worst fear and she was out cold, foaming at the mouth. That... that really sucked. He shook his head in disbelief. This was shaping up to be the worst set of kids he'd had yet. He shook his head and decided to try Sasuke next. It only took him moments before he was confronting him in a small clearing.

"... I'm different from the others."

"That's nice. Shall we begin?"

For the first few passes of blows it was just pure Taijutsu. Nothing special. Then Sasuke began making handsigns and Kakashi's eye widened at the sequence. No way! No academy student should have the available chakra to...

"Katon: Goukakyuu no jutsu!"

Sasuke couldn't see what happened through the flame, but was pretty sure that would finish things. Except that Kakashi wasn't there when the flames died down. Not in front, not behind, not to the sides, so that left... above!

Sasuke's gaze shot up and his eyes widened as... nothing was there. Then a hand grabbed at his ankle, pulling him below the ground.

"Below. 'Doton: Shinju Zanshuu'. You're right, you're not like the rest. You're still not that great though."

Sasuke stewed in rage, buried to the neck in dirt, as Kakashi walked off.

xxx

"They're finished then, Hatake-san? That was quick."

Kakashi shrugged.

"Faster than I expected really. Your turn?"

"A moment." The page of his book flipped. "If I'm correct, this test is a hoax. The value of teamwork has been noted multiple times throughout the history of Konoha. The bells are a ruse, promoting indecisiveness and driving a wedge between the team members. If they cannot bridge this gap and work properly as a cohesive unit, they fail the test."

Kakashi nodded, impressed, and marking a few points by the boy's name in his mental scoresheet. He'd just clearly and succinctly outlined the point of the whole test. Then Naruto placed a marker in his book, tucked it away in his cloak, and stood up.

"It's really a pity. You see, I've never played well with others. No matter. Perhaps I can show 'teamwork' in another manner. Kazumi!"

Kakashi blinked as the strange... being appeared in a flash of light. Okaaay... Hokage-sama had mentioned his suspicions that Naruto might have an animal companion... but he'd really been expecting a dog or cat or something like that. Maybe a fox. This had caught him completely off guard.

Almost as much as the strange chant.

"A'anakret then'arienad else'ereinistet tr'emorioliniad! Creature, to me!"

Still staring as a strange glowing symbol (glyph) appeared on the ground and a large... huge... freakishly big, gorillaish, humanoid creature appeared. It was half again his height, carried a club that it seemed to have fashioned itself out of the trunk of a tree, was hairy to the point that it appeared to be thick, matted fur, and its face looked like it had been bashed repeatedly into a stone wall, then partially melted.

"It's a Troll. Let's see if this is teamwork enough for you!"

Naruto paused as he considered taking up the act from yesterday again. It was a well noted fact that most sorcerors either were insane, or feigned insanity. Less questing heroes knocking on your door to ask stupid questions that way. He shrugged as the trolls club slammed into the ground where Kakashi had just been standing before he'd leapt away. Why not. It wasn't like it would be that difficult. A malevolent leer slid across his face as Kazumi decided it would be best to watch this fight from the vantage point of that tree over there.

Kakashi twisted in midair to avoid a ball of hot, searing flame, attached his feet to the incoming club with chakra, then pushed off with all his might to get out of swinging range, flipping a couple of times in midair to dodge... an icicle? Damn. When Hokage-sama had mentioned Naruto knowing secret techniques, he'd not considered _anything_ like this! Really, he'd just been banking on treating him like an Inuzuka... having to keep an eye out for a dog waiting to leap from the bushes or something like that.

"Hmhmhm...hehehe...HAHAHA! My blood is boiling! Let the game begin! Be you player or pawn, Kakashi?"

Kakashi blinked. 'Kay... this was really bad. Looks like he wasn't kidding about the sociopath thing. This could get ugly.

"Uh.."

"TOO LATE, PAWN! Die!"

The next few minutes were filled with frantic dodging on Kakashi's part. Technically, this would have been made a hell of a lot easier if he could spare a moment to uncover his Sharingan, but most of his mind was being set on avoiding being frozen/electrocuted/set on fire/pierced/slashed/crushed. Naruto chanting 'Diediediediediedie' and drooling in between various nonsensical words and phrases, some of which he would have sworn were impossible to create with human vocal cords, really didn't help matters.

Several more minutes later, the genius ninja had been herded into a trap and bound with writhing vines that had sprung from beneath the ground. He couldn't move any limb so much as an inch, and that club was coming down.

He couldn't help it. His eye closed, knowing that there was a possibility that he was going to die, and waited for the crushing impact. And waited. And felt a tug at his belt. His eyes snapped open to the destroyed section of training ground as the small, winged thing that Naruto had called Kazumi removed the bells from his belt and flew to Naruto, who was clutching at his head with one hand, but reached out with the other to accept one of the bells. Then he reached into his cloak, pulled out a vial of something bluish that steamed as he popped the cork loose, and chugged it down. His eyes were notably saner when he finished... Ah! Medication, of course. Kakashi would have to keep that in mind. It would _really suck_ to have Naruto lose his anti-psychotic meds in the middle of a mission.

He wasn't even considering failing him at this point. He'd pointed out the true meaning of the test, _and_ he'd passed it the wrong way. Sure his personality left a little... a great deal actually... to be desired. But Hokage-sama would _skin him alive and use his hide as a throw rug_ if he just let such potential walk away, as he had seemed inclined towards doing earlier. The only trick was finding a way for the other two to pass as well.

He shrugged. It wasn't really important. Just spew a line of bullshit that sounded reasonable. Like...

xxx

"Anyway, since the test was for you three to work as a team, but Naruto got the bells anyway without any help from either of you, I've decided that you all pass, because _technically_, expending yourselves pointlessly in an effort to make me waste my chakra before Naruto struck the final blow _could_ in this situation, count as teamwork. Well done!"

"B-but Sensei... where is Naruto then?"

"Hm? Oh, he left. Considering that he's leaps and bounds ahead of you two in his chosen field, I decided to let him go take a nap while you two wasted time fooling around. Frankly, you two kind of stink."

Sasuke slammed his hand into a nearby tree.

"This is _bullshit_. I refuse to believe that the class Dobe could get the bells on his own. Cut the crap and bring him out, this joke isn't funny."

Kakashi sighed.

"Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke. So arrogant and unwilling to believe in anything that doesn't fit with your own worlview. Did you ever wonder _why_ Naruto might be last of the class?"

"Obviously, he's an idiot. What's there to understand?"

"You also obviously don't look very hard at things. I took a look at the records... Not once, in the past few years, has he answered any of the questions on the written tests, or turned in a project, or done much of anything at all inside class. Now this, to a lesser degree, isn't exactly an uncommon thing. Everyone ends up missing a test or forgetting to do a project or two in the academy. But all of them, every single one?"

"Like I said, maybe he's retarded, and didn't realize what he was supposed to do. This joke isn't funny."

"Sigh... How about you Sakura?"

"Um..." She kept glancing at Sasuke, obviously unwilling to contradict her crush.

"Forget about Sasuke. He's proving that he's not the sharpest nail in the tack right now. I want _your_ answer, since his is obviously wrong."

She twitched, as though restraining herself from attacking him before she answered. Her buttons were incredibly easy to push.

"He's... sabotaged his own records?"

"Yes! Now anyone who cant think for themselves that looks at the records just sees an idiot. Meanwhile, he's training his Hijutsu-"

"The DOBE has Hijutsu?" Sasuke asked, obviously shocked.

"Sasuke... you're an idiot. Shut up, now. Anyway, yes, he has Hijutsu and a number of elemental Jutsu. You didn't think I did all that alone?"

They looked where he was pointing and had to admit, that section of training ground was pretty much completely destroyed. There was a half-melted icicle sticking out of a tree, flames burning on fallen trees and grass, electrical marks, large impact marks in the ground and smashing trees out of the way, and a huge patch of withered vines growing out of the ground that they were sure hadn't been there before.

"Okay, fine. The dobe has Hijutsu. Who cares. Once I have the Sharingan, he's still toast."

The fact that his voice began to waver with uncertainty midway through the statement was proof of his nervousness.

"Whatever. Meeting tomorrow at six again. Don't be late."

Leaving his students... two out of three, anyway... stunned as he shunshined away.

xxx

A.N.

Nothing to say. Well, one thing.

I was _really_ considering actually having Sirius Black's grim form be the familiar. But then I had a better idea. An entire plot theme in one flash of insight. Hence, the Magical Mutt, Kazumi! And yes, Soun is a physical match for Soun from Ranma. With wings, a halo, and a fiery sword. AND a backbone.

Also, have just discovered the Anime Addventure. It's fun, if mildly confusing. The list of restart points and such really helps, but it's probably not as comprehensive as it could be. Still nice, though. Probably going to have to figure out how to post something there eventually. Could be fun.


	4. Chapter 4

Uzumaki Naruto: Sorceror for Hire

xxx

Sarutobi took a deep drag of his pipe as he mulled over Kakashi's report. It was... quite unbelievable, really. Apparently Naruto's new secret techniques had turned him into something of a one man demolition squad. Naturally, there were weaknesses and flaws as well. Naruto had apparently been bringing his full force to bear towards leading Kakashi into a trap, so if Kakashi had had a partner to work in concert with him a single attack from behind would have pretty much ended the match before it began.

Also interesting was the sheer _variety_ of attacks he'd produced. For certain, Naruto was versatile. Also.... this was just a suspicion from an old man, but it seemed that Naruto couldn't produce the individual effects too terribly often over a small period of time. Like how Kakashi could only use his signature move a few times a day, but different somehow, in a manner that still escaped him for the moment. So alone and outnumbered, even by mere genin, he could be beaten. There would be casualties of course, but it was possible.

Still, the most intriguing thing was that Naruto's nebulous partner had apparently revealed itself. Or herself, as it was apparently female. Sarutobi couldn't recall there being anything at that festival resembling this 'Kazumi' creature.

Then again, given that he'd been in retirement, he'd spent a large portion of the festival drunk out of his mind. So it was entirely possible that he _had_ met something like her, and simply couldn't remember.

xxx

Certain healing potions could ward off the need for sleep, or even remove it entirely. This was not a well known fact, but it was proven to be true nonetheless as Naruto spent several hours into the night re-memorizing the spells he'd used in his assault on Kakashi, as well as a couple of others to boot. The Wondrous Word of Power: Instant Depths of Uninterrupted Slumber, to be precise. Power Word: Sleep, for those who prefer brevity over flowery prose in their arcane incantations.

Sometime after midnight, the potion wore off and his body began shutting down. He had enough time to stagger to a nearby bed before he lost consciousness.

After that, he managed to net a few short hours of slumber before being rudely awakened through cold water. Kazumi wasn't even slightly ashamed of herself as she casually levitated a second sphere of water over his head and grinned widely.

"Wakey, wakey Boss."

He glared.

"Your demonic heritage is showing through, I see."

"Oopsie-daisy, I seem to be temporarily losing control over my telikin-"

"I'm up, I'm up.... fiendish creature." He mumbled under his breath.

"You're gonna be la-ate!" Kazumi chirped, seeming to take no offense.

"Yeah, I get it. Ninja. What a drag. I'll just... go do... ninja stuff, then. And maybe work out a way to convincingly fake my death."

"Have fun!"

Naruto continued grumbling lightly as he teleported out of the tower.

xxx

Sakura blinked. Just a moment ago, she'd been sure that she was the first one to the meeting spot. Then she blinked, and now Naruto was there, shielding his eyes and glowering in the direction of the sun.

"Too bright..." He grumbled, flipping up the hood of his cloak as he sought refuge in the shade. Sakura began to ask where he'd come from, but caught a glimpse of the approaching Sasuke out of the corner of her eye and lost all train of thought as her vision turned into a pink framework of flowers surrounding his face.

"Sasuke-kun!"

"Out of my way!" He snarled. "You, fight me! Now!"

Naruto sighed deeply as he leaned against the tree.

"It's too early in the morning for his crap. Besides that... I just don't feel like it right now."

"If you won't fight, then it just means it'll be an easy win!" Sasuke yelled as he drew a kunai and lunged, prompting Naruto to sigh again.

"You really should cool down. How about a nice nap?" His eyes focused and he brought up a single finger, unconsciously mimicking a figure from Sasuke's past as he poked at his forehead, mumbling the appropriate incantation under his breath. Sasuke was snoring before he hit the ground.

"Hm. Not five minutes and I already had to use one. Better keep the other in reserve." He mumbled to himself.

Sakura didn't hear him, to overwhelmed with shock that her obsession had been taken out so casually. Then a partially evil/partially perverted leer fell over her face and she began to slowly stalk towards her _defenseless_ obsession. Naruto ignored the way she crept up on the Uchiha's limp form, fingers twitching, as he pulled Hrea's journal out of his cloak and continued the effort of translating it.

Mere minutes later, she let loose a howl of anguish and disbelief.

"Tiny! Miniscule! Shrimpy! Shriveled! Dwarfish! Stunted! Infantile! Oh god, it's horrible! Who could have imagined that Sasuke-kun would be so, so..."

She slumped over, the shock at whatever she'd discovered being enough that she'd passed out. Naruto flipped the page, casually ignoring the entire sordid display.

xxx

Kazumi had arrived eventually, cloaked under a minor illusion coupled with a 'look elsewhere' mental effect, both of which he assumed came from the Fae portion of her ancestry. He wasn't sure what she'd been doing in the tower that she wanted him gone first, and he wasn't entirely sure he wanted to know.

It was hours _after_ that that Kakashi chose to show himself, long enough that the sun was well above the tree-line and his other two students had begun to stir. He took the opportunity to demonstrate a Suiton Jutsu to Naruto, who privately reflected that it was much like what Kazumi had done to him, save on a somewhat larger scale.

Once the two unconscious portions of the team ceased gasping and spluttering and Naruto had marked his place in the journal and returned it to his pocket, Kakashi explained what they would be doing that day.

Naruto's patience, such as it was, snapped.

"Wait, wait, wait.... You want us to _what_?"

"Like I said, Naruto.... the four of us are going to practice our tracking skills in combination with our retrieval and delivery techniques by-"

"Catching a freaking cat."

Naruto frowned deeply as his mind shot in multiple different directions at once.

"Not gonna do it. Frankly I'm disgusted by the very idea, and flatly refuse to participate in _any_ mission where I'm not going to get even the opportunity to kill someone. I'll make you a counteroffer, though."

Good, good. He'd made his point and, if he was reading their facial expressions correctly, mildly disturbed his teammates, and reinforced his 'insanity'. Three in one shot!

"Listen carefully, 'cause I'll only say this once. You don't bug me about pointless D-ranks, and I won't set your houses on fire. Sound like a fair deal?"

Kakashi took a moment to stare at him through his one visible eye, probably trying to decide whether or not he would attempt such a thing and, more importantly, calculate what his odds were of succeeding. Naruto took a calculated sip of mana potion. A sweatdrop rolled slowly down the back of the Jounin's head.

"Right.... like I was saying, the _three_ of us are going to practice our tracking skills in combination with our retrieval and delivery techniques by hunting down Tora the cat and returning him to his owner."

Naruto smirked victoriously as the other two genin sent death-glares at his back.

"I could set houses on fire, if I wanted to." Sasuke mumbled just loud enough for Naruto to overhear. "Uchiha are the best with fire techniques."

Naruto's smirk grew wider.

xxx

The days following went much the same. Kakashi would gently suggest the idea of coming along on a D-rank, Naruto would casually threaten the entire team's life and/or property, the suggestion would be retracted, and he would be left to his own devices for the day. Typically he had to knock out or humiliate Sasuke once or twice a day for flavor as well.

Either he was a glutton for punishment, or he had a real problem with his short term memory. Frankly, Naruto didn't care which, but he'd reached the point that he was perfectly willing to stab him in the face if he didn't quit being irritating. Or even if he did. Actually, he'd just made up his mind to stab him the next time they met when he sauntered up to the meeting place.

Naruto greeted him by launching a pair of shuriken at his eyes. Sasuke screamed like a terrified little girl and dived to the side, right into the path of an Entangling Vines spell.

Naruto allowed a creepy leer to fall over his face as he tugged out a curved silver dagger and began slowly stalking towards the trapped genin. Sasuke struggled harder and opened his mouth to scream again, but was cut off as a loose vine wrapped itself around his face, gagging him. Naruto stabbed for his forehead....

... and the world went black.

When he came to, it was to Sasuke's melodious wails to Kakashi about how he was insane and should be put down like the rabid dog he was.

"That's a.... little rude, don't you think, Sasuke-kun?"

"Little rude? You tried to stab me, you psychotic freak!"

"Well... yeah, but in my defense you're really annoying. And I was bored. You know how it is."

"No I don't. You know why? Because I'm not a _psychotic freak_!"

Kakashi felt a weird sense of deja vu as his students continued arguing, one calm and relatively polite and one being loud and abrasive. Why was it that he got the feeling it should be the other way around, though? He quickly shook it off.

"Anyway, about that… since it's become obvious that our teamwork has begun to suffer recently, I've taken the liberty of reserving a C-rank. Maybe this would interest you, Naruto?"

"Depends. Does it involve rakes, puppies, vacuum cleaners, paint, groceries, or kittens in any way not also directly involved with brutal and fiendish murder?"

"Um… Just at a guess, I'm going to say… probably not."

"Eh, sure. Why not."

"Oh. In that case, allow me to introduce you to the client for this mission, Tazuna-san. We'll be protecting him from C-class enemies, such as bandits and highwaymen, as he returns to the land of waves and finishes building a bridge."

A taciturn, smelly old drunk stepped out and grunted half-heartedly at them. Naruto considered him for a long moment.

"Hmm... I suppose it's too late to change my mind, huh."

"Far, far too late."

The drunk coughed irritably.

"You know... I _am_ standing right here. Would it be too much to ask that you at least wait until you can reasonably be considered to be behind my back before you talk smack?"

He was resoundingly ignored by all other involved parties.

"Maa... I regret my hasty agreement. I regret it with the fury of a hurricane!"

"Well... at least it's a change of scenery, right, Naruto?"

"Scenery? Tch." Sasuke grumbled, although Sakura looked mildly interested.

"Anyway... make your preparations and assemble in one hour at the main gates." Kakashi ordered.

xxx

"Assemble in one hour." Naruto grumbled. "That was... what, three... four hours ago?"

"Yo! I'm afraid I got lost on the road of life..."

"Whatever. Let's just go, already."

"Ho... always in such a rush...."

"Don't get me wrong... I'm just bored as all hell from waiting for you."

"Oh really?"

"Hmm..." Sakura wondered under her breath as they set off. "Despite how he's grumbling, he actually seems pretty eager. Don't you think? Eh... Sasuke?"

He grunted, not sparing a moment to glance away from glaring into the back of Naruto's head.

"Ehehe... Sasuke seems... a little angry. Right, Naruto? Uh... Naruto...?"

Naruto had completely ignored the girl in favor of staring creepily at the bridge builder.

"What... do you want, you overdressed little runt?"

A vein pulsed lightly at Naruto's temple.

"Dunno. Just trying to decide how many bandits I'm going to have to slaughter in order to keep from smothering you to death in your sleep, you stupid old drunkard."

Tazuna snorted, ignoring the way Naruto's teammates had gone a much whiter shade of pale than normal and begun making frantic shushing motions.

"Hah. You talk big, runt, but I don't think you have the stones to do anything to your employer."

"OH REALLY!? BURN!"

Naruto unleashed a low level spell, blasting a cone of flame out from his palm that would have rendered Tazuna into a charred husk if Kakashi hadn't chosen just that moment to blur over and remove him to safety, charring the edges of his clothes slightly in the process.

"All right, mission rule number one. Naruto, no murdering the client. Rule number two, Tazuna, don't taunt the shinobi on anti-psychotics."

"I'll... I'll remember that..." Tazuna mumbled, obviously shaken by his unexpected brush with fiery death.

Sasuke and Sakura sighed in relief as Naruto grunted, shaking his hand slightly to dissipate the smoke floating around it.

"Let's go then. The sooner we get started, the sooner I can massacre all the bandits between here and wherever it is we're going."

"Rule number three. Our job is to protect Tazuna-san, not to hunt down bandits. Killing the ones that target us is fine, but we won't be actively hunting them down this time."

"Oh? In that case, I may as well have just stayed in bed today... what a waste of time."

Naruto flipped up his hood and withdrew an ornate walking stick, grumbling to himself as he started off, pausing only to glance up at a soft rustle in a tree.

Several minutes passed in silence.

"Ah... such a nice day. Now is an excellent time for a lesson." Kakashi decided. "I'm going to teach you a little about some random subjects, like the Kages and our destination."

"Um... Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura ventured. "Is this... really relevant to guarding Tazuna-san?"

".......... Before that though, I have a little story. It's about three genin and their instructor, out on their first C-rank mission. The instructor graciously decided to impart some of his wisdom to his students, but they didn't feel like listening. And so, their instructor had no choice but to thrash them severely, tie them up, hang them upside down from a tree branch, and lecture them for several hours before they could be on their way."

"............" Was the genin's unanimous statement on the matter.

"The moral of the story is 'Don't question me, just shut up and pay attention'."

"Y... yes, sensei."

"Right. Now.... where was I? Dammit Sakura, you made me completely lose my train of thought, and-"

Kakashi was interrupted as a chain wrapped around him from nowhere and tore him into four or five pieces. There was a moment of silence before Naruto asked what everyone was thinking.

"Sakura, did you just murder Kakashi with your mind?"

"I-I didn't mean to, I swear!"

"Um... just so you kids know, I'm still alive." Kakashi called down from a tree branch. "The whole replacement technique thing, you know... they just cut up a log."

"Ah?" Naruto blinked. "So they did. My mistake. So... who's 'they'?"

Kakashi wordlessly dropped two ninja to the ground, tied up tightly with their own chain. Naruto grinned, then blinked and frowned.

"Kakashi-sensei..." He whined. "They're unconcsious. It's no fun killing them if they're not terrified..."

Tazuna and Sasuke shuddered unanimously and each took one large step away from the blonde.

"Ah well.... dibs on the next fight!"

Sakura blinked, wondering just what the hell had just happened.

xxx

After a quickly extracted confession from Tazuna and a vote, they'd continued on to the ferry to Wave country. Except it was less 'ferry' and more 'glorified canoe' than anything else.

"You know, I've never been on a boat before." Naruto stated aloud. "And if they're all like this, I don't think I ever _want_-"

"Shut up, dobe!" Sasuke hissed. "Sound carries over water. You're going to get us caught!"

"Eh? Oh... I get it. I wondered why everyone was so hush-hush. How about..."

He stood up abruptly, setting a foot on the side of the boat as he cupped his hands around his mouth.

"HEY, GATOU! WE'RE COMING TO KILL YOU GATOU! GAAATOOOUUU! THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT, GATOU! TRY TO STOP US, GATOU!"

Sasuke was very nearly on the verge of tackling Naruto out of the ferry before he sat down again.

"You... you complete and utter _moron_!" he hissed. "What the _hell_ are you thinking, you-?"

"Now before you get all shirty with me." Naruto interrupted, extending one finger. "Listen closely. What do you hear? Or rather, what should you be hearing right now that isn't there for you to hear it?"

As Sasuke puzzled that last sentence out, Sakura blinked.

"Alarms... After that outburst, there should definitely be some sort of alarm raised, if Gato's ships really are patrolling these waters properly..."

"They are." Kakashi confirmed, sparing a moment to point out a few looming shapes in the mist that could, in all honesty, be anything. Sakura was easily convinced however.

"My... hijutsu." Naruto said. "One is.... well, I don't really feel like explaining the mechanics, and it's not like you would understand anyway, so let's say it makes something like an invisible barrier against sound, encapsulating a small area. Nothing in or out... of course it has its drawbacks in several situations, it'll break once we make landfall, and it can't be used too often."

"Why can't it?" Sakura asked aloud, prompting a curious stare at Naruto from all parties of the boat. He grimaced.

"Y'know Sakura, I have a story a lot like Kakashi's from earlier. Except instead of beatings, ropes, and lectures, there's fatal stabbings, explosions, fire, and the desecration of corpses. Now, I'm going to pretend to forget you asked that question. Are you going to ask it again?"

She shook her head vigorously from side to side, and there was a long, awkward silence.

"We're making landfall." Kakashi spoke up eventually.

"About time." Naruto grunted. "The sooner we get there, the sooner I can go drop Gatou's house on his head."

"Uh, no, that's not happening Naruto."

"Eh? Just so we're all on the same page here, isn't it your job to protect me? Killing Gatou would-"

"We weren't paid for an assassination mission, Tazuna-san. Technically you're correct, but I doubt that Gatou's left whatever place he's at unguarded, and we're only being paid for a C-rank, to guard you against _C-rank dangers_. So basically, if there's an infestation of rabid gerbils in your town, we're all over it. Until then, we're going to let the fights come to us."

"Well, I hear those rabid gerbils can get pretty nasty..." Tazuna mumbled, disappointed and uncomfortable with the Jounin's sarcasm.

Silence fell before Sakura broke it.

"So, um... Naruto. Those things on your face... not that I was looking, but are they whiskers, or tatoos, or.... what are they"

Naruto began an angry retort, but it died as he actually thought about the question.

"You know..." he realized. "I actually have no idea."

"Duck." Kakashi interrupted blandly.

"Where?" Sasuke asked, though he would later fervently deny having said anything. Kakashi grabbed him by the head and drug him to the ground, narrowly missing having bits removed by the giant sword that swung through the air above their heads almost immdiately afterwards.

It continued on a ways before lodging in a tree, where a ninja dropped down onto the handle and began chuckling darkly. Naruto wasted no time in tugging his curved dagger back out.

"YES! I can finally cut loose!"

"Naruto, no! I recognize this opponent- He's A-class Momochi Zabuza, demon of the mist!"

"Like I care!"

"Hohoho.... what's this? A worthless little genin? Boy, until you've made enough of-"

Naruto took advantage of Zabuza's impending monologue to call down a bolt of lightning from the cloudless sky, sending Zabuza scrambling to avoid it.

"What the hell!?" he howled.

"Victory goes to the one who wears the opponent down first!" Naruto launched a snowball, which erupted into razor-sharp, jutting spears of ice next to Zabuza's feet. "Hold still, that I might rend thee to dust"

Meanwhile, Zabuza was sweating heavily as he desperately maneuvered himself around the blondes attacks. The situation was quickly taking a turn for the worse, Sharingan Kakashi hadn't even involved himself yet, and while he'd originally intended to write off all the Genin as inconsequential, he could no longer afford to do so. Now would be a good time for Haku to implement Plan B.

He no sooner thought it, than a handful of senbon zeroed in on his neck and he barely managed to be impressed at the promptness before slumping to the ground.

The masked boy flickered in next to Zabuza.

"You have my gratitude for occupying his attention. I've been waiting weeks for an opportunity to-"

"Don't care." Naruto interrupted sourly. "Fair warning- I've got a lot of agression to work through, so if he isn't dead, I'm going to kill him messily now. If he is dead, then I'm going to messily decorate his body. At this point, whether or not I have to kill you first doesn't matter to me."

"B-but I'm a Kiri hunter-nin!"

"Don't care. But in the interests of fairness, and because it'll amuse me, I'll let you make your case. You have five minutes."

"I, uh, need to take the body to be properly identified and disposed of so that Kiri secrets cannot be stolen from it!"

"Tell you what, I'll peel his face off for you. I can assure you that there won't be enough of anything else left to be stolen, either."

Haku started to panic, grasping at any excuse to get away. He didn't find one. Time for plan C.

"Here you go." He called, loosening a pouch at his side. "Part of the bounty for killing him. Catch."

Haku tossed the pouch in a deliberate arc, and Naruto turned and stepped to catch it before realizing the distraction for what it was and snapping his gaze back to Haku, who'd formed a handseal.

"No you dont! Magical missile, one shot!"

The sphere of light shot forward, coming to a halt for a moment in the fading afterimage of its target before it zipped off again.

"Tch... got away. I'll kill him next time."

Elsewhere, as team seven continued on to Tazuna's house, Haku recieved an unpleasant suprise as he began to set Zabuza down for some impromptu field medicine, and the two of them were slammed into a nearby tree by the missile he'd _thought_ that he'd left far behind.

After spitting out a mouthful of blood and checking to make sure that he hadn't actually bitten clear through his tongue, he unknowingly repeated Naruto's promise. Except that his version was slurred somewhat, and utilized far fouler language.

xxx

A.N. Somewhat bit shorter than previous chapters, but what can you do? With finals up _next freaking week_ it was either post what I had now or wait until after finals and then after however long it will take me to recuperate from them.

Someone mentioned in a review that my Kakashi's personality seems very much like the Naruto Abridged series' Kakashi. That actually broke a block I had on this chapter, and you might notice a line or two creatively appropriated from that series.

I feel very, _very_ slightly guilty about picking on Sasuke and Sakura so much. It didn't stop me from doing so, and it will not stop me from doing so in the future, however. Also, while Naruto is only pretending to be insane, it's a very fine line between that and pretending _not_ to be insane.

On top of that, I've just realized that the Kyuubi has not yet played _any_ part in anything that has happened as yet. This will be dealt with soon, bearing in mind that 'soon' is a relative term that I tend to define as 'at some point. Y'know... eventually'.

Also, I've picked up that apparently the Dungeons and Dragons spell 'Magic Missile' is apparently pretty much autohit awesomeness. Having only some small experience with the computer game-ized variations, and none at all of the actual tabletop RPG itself, I've not as yet verified this for myself, but if so then that's pretty much what Naruto cast. Basic explanation on this variation is that as long as Naruto casts it before the target leaves, they can get as far away as they like with the ninja-teleport thingy and it will still hit them at some point. Probably at a completely unexpected, i.e. worst possible, moment as well. One shot can be fired pretty much instantly, two shots takes a little longer, three shots a little longer than that, all the way up to a nine-shot barrage that requires the longest start up time, albeit still pretty short notice, in exchange for maximum firepower.

The nine-shot thing will almost undoubtedly be used at some point on Orochimaru or one of the other big-bads of the Naruto-verse.


	5. Chapter 5

Uzumaki Naruto: Sorceror for Hire

xxx

"Everyone, I have an announcement to make." Kakashi stated calmly.

He waited a minute for everyone to stop what they were doing before it became obvious that they were paying him no attention whatsoever and he slammed his hand into the table, knocking over a cup of tea.

He mildly regretted that. Tazuna's daughter had made some very nice tea.

"Are you paying attention now? Good. Like I was saying... I think that _Zabuza may be alive_."

The somber proclamation didn't exactly recieve the sort of reaction he was looking for.

"Yeah. And?" Naruto asked, while the other two genin simply blinked. "Is that it? I mean... considering how eager that guy was to get him out of there, it was pretty obvious that he was an accomplice."

"Okay, you know what? Smartass comments mean that the Genin on this squad get to run up and down trees until they puke. Everybody outside."

"B-but sensei!" Sakura interrupted. "We don't know how to run up trees!"

Kakashi chuckled darkly, fingers drumming on his kunai pouch.

"In that case, I'd hope you're quick learners."

xxx

"This... is _exactly_ the reason why I didn't want to be a ninja." Naruto grumbled from his prone position on the ground. Sasuke grunted, and Sakura didn't bother to reply at all, as she was busily spewing everything she'd eaten that day into a bush.

"Alright, Sakura's done. Take a break, Sakura." Kakashi drawled from behind the pages of his book.

"Thnksh Kaksh-sns..." She forced out, before collapsing on the ground.

"Or... take a nap. Whichever. You two, get back to training.

Naruto and Sasuke groaned unanimously, but got back up and back to training.

"Hey... hey, Sasuke." Naruto hissed out of the side of his mouth opposite to Kakashi.

"........ What?"

"I don't want to be here. I'm sure-" He dodged around a tricky branch. "-Sure you don't want to be here either. He won't let us leave until we vomit, but-" He fell silent as Kakashi took a moment to check their progress before returning to his book. "But he didn't say that we had to wait until it happened _naturally_."

There was a slight glimmer of interest in Sasuke's eyes as Naruto opened a fist slightly, revealing two pills.

"A basic anti-toxin. You swallow it, and it induces vomiting to remove whatever poisons you may have ingested. Along with everything else, of course. It may take a minute, but it's better than running until whatever time that our bodies give out on us."

Sasuke 'hn'd softly, casting a wary eye at their instructor. Naruto flipped one of the pills to him as they passed through some thick leaves.

"Twice more, then take it near the top. Then I'll wait ten minutes and take mine."

The plan went off semi-flawlessly. Kakashi could tell at a glance that they weren't _actually_ exhausted enough to have reached the point of vomiting, and so had to have cheated somehow. On the other hand, they were ninja. Cheating was pretty much the whole point of everything.

So he was both disappointed and proud of them, depending on how he chose to look at it. In the end, he decided to disregard it as he turned his mind to more important matters, like dinner, and dinner conversation.

Sakura was present, but still unconscious, having been draped over one of the chairs with a child's bib with a small picture of a lobster tied beneath her chin. It seemed that Naruto had a _weird_ sense of humor, even for shinobi.

"This is quite good, Tsunami-san. My compliments."

"Oh, you know full well that it's mostly thanks to those rabbits your dogs brought back, Kakashi-san." She demurred as a scowl twisted over the child's face for a moment. Quiet kid. Gave off the impression that he was about to snap, somehow.

"Hm. I'm considering sending a message for reinforcements." He said, then quickly continued before Tazuna got his hopes up. "In all honesty though, even if it's approved, it will only be a second Genin squad. Which is a second Jounin, I'll admit, but depending on who's assigned it could mean that the Jounin will be forced to spend more time protecting his own Genin than assisting us. I have no doubt that it could simply mean that Zabuza and Gatou have three more targets to pick from. Even so-"

The kid exploded.

"You just don't get it, do you? Gatou is unstoppable! It doesn't matter how many shinobi you have, he'll kill-"

Naruto mumbled something under his breath and Inari slumped into unconsciousness.

"I'm afraid I have no patience when it comes to temper tantrums. I do hope he enjoys his nap, however."

Kakashi coughed softly.

"Like I was saying... even so, it's correct protocol for Genin squads to send notification and a request for backup whenever their missions cross paths with shinobi classed B-rank or above. If I don't... well, Hokage-sama is pretty lenient, so I'm sure it will just be a mild reprimand."

"Do whatever you want, Kakashi-sensei." Naruto graciously allowed. "I don't particularly care whether I have an audience or not when I kill them, but I'm sure Kazumi could be convinced to carry your message, especially as I'd like her to pick up a couple small things from back in Konoha."

"Ah..." Kakashi calculated quickly. "Flying, she could get there in less than half the time one of my dogs could... yes, that should work."

Naruto nodded absently as he took a bite of stewed rabbit.

"So, Tazuna. Tell me about the local folktales."

The old man happily obliged with Naruto's request, and talked long into the night.

The tale of when the Nine-tailed Kitsune Lord had visited the Land of Waves had been interesting, as well as the bit at the end about a prophesized return or some such. Unnoticed, Kakashi had been slightly tense throughout the whole tale, and had sent several subtle and quick glances at Naruto. The next story had been more recent, about Kaiza, and had explained why his grandson was slightly messed in the head. Then had come tales of local nature spirits and mischievous creatures, the typical old yarns that one can find anywhere.

What Naruto had found most interesting however, was not a tale at all, but a simple mention of a nearby natural curiosity. An island covered in a constant storm. When Naruto had pressed further, Tazuna had divulged that _supposedly_, it had once housed the lair of a great dragon, centuries ago, who had protected the settlers within its territory in exchange for tributes of food and wondrously crafted artwork and statuary.

Nonsense, of course, he continued on to say. There was no proof of anything of the sort, and he continued on with his folk tales.

Even so, Naruto was fully convinced by the time he went to sleep that the island in question housed the lair, or at least the grave, of a blue dragon, and had decided to avoid it at all costs.

And so, naturally, that _moron_ Kakashi decided the next day that such an interesting place was somewhere that he would like to see sometime, and as he was in Wave country right now, there was no reason not to take a look.

xxx

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!" Naruto screamed at the top of his lungs. "Kakashi, this is quite possibly the worst possible idea ever in what is beginning to look like a painful history of terrible ideas indeed!"

"Your objections have been duly noted, genin. And now instead of asking you, the Jounin-sensei of the sqad is _ordering_ you to prepare for a brief scouting mission."

Naruto's mind raced to find a viable reason to call this horrible farce off.

"Tazuna! We can't leave Tazuna-san unprotected!"

"Tazuna-san will be the one ferrying us there."

"Tazuna-san's family! They could be taken hostage and-"

"Already anticipated it, Naruto. Pakkun and the rest of my pack will be here to keep an eye on them."

Naruto worked his mouth soundlessly, but couldn't come up with anymore reasonable excuses that Kakashi might actually believe. The older ninja chucled and ruffled Naruto's hair quickly, removing his hand before the blonde registered it and went for his knife.

"I'm impressed that you're so concerned about fulfilling the mission so suddenly, Naruto. One would almost think that you were afraid of a little rain."

Naruto stiffened.

"I _do not_ fear the perpetual storm. Nor do I fear the isle itself.... no. What I truly, deeply fear is what we may just find there."

Kakashi blinked slowly, and by the time he finished Naruto had turned and stalked silently into the house. He considered for a moment... the boy had seemed unusually somber... and lucid. For a long moment, Kakashi felt uneasy about his decided course of action. Then he shook it off, confident in his superiority as an experienced Jounin.

Of course, when they actually reached the island and seemed to cross an invisible line between 'Partly cloudy, but nice' and 'hurricane level deluge, what the hell are you even doing here, you moron!', he had to admit he was somewhat less confident. As well as soaked to the bone, and he was pretty sure he was about to catch a chill.

"We're here!" Tazuna bellowed over the howling winds, his huge hooded overcloak rustling as he clambered out of the boat and tied it up to the remains of a nearby stump to keep it from drifting away. Kakashi had found the cloak distasteful and thought it unneccessary when they started out. Now he wanted one just like it.

Of course, Naruto had a cloak of his own. And he'd done something to it that left it repelling water, to a degree. Sasuke and Sakura, on the other hand, looked like little half-drowned kittens.

"Never actually been here myself!" Tazuna continued bellowing as they made their way out of the boat, numb joints complicating things somewhat. "But it is impressive, isn't it?"

"What? I can't hear you over the wind!" Sakura called back.

"I said it's impressive, isn't it?"

"What?"

As the conversation that had just started looked like it was going to continue on the same track for a few minutes, Kakashi turned an eye to his other two students. Sasuke... unhappy, brooding, etc. Nothing unusual there, except that the unhappiness was magnified by his being soaking wet. Naruto... almost smug looking in his cloak, much dryer than the rest and, if Kakashi was right, he seemed almost to be searching for something, almost as though he believed in Tazuna's fairy tale of a dragon.

In fact, Naruto was trying to recall every one of the rules he had read somewhere or another about the rules of dealing with dragons. Besides the obvious, like 'don't touch the gold under _any_ circumstance' and 'be more polite than you've ever been to anyone else, ever', as well as 'if all else fails, offer up the lives of your companions, drop to your knees, and flat-out beg for mercy'. Though that last one was iffy at best.

One of the more important ones, though, was 'once you have confirmed yourself to be in the territory of a dragon, either leave with all due haste or present yourself immediately at the dragon's lair for introduction. Doing neither marks you as a potential thief, a likely nuisance, and possibly that you attempt to attack the dragon itself, which would likely be the stupidest think one could possibly do, but has been attempted from time to time and, on occasion, been succesful thus leaving dragons in general wary of future attempts.'

Now if he was a dragon, and he'd chosen this island to house his lair, then he would search the only real visible landmark for a suitable cavern nearby to inhabit. Or failing that, create one. Naruto shuddered, feeling a sudden and intense urge to get back in the boat and leave, or failing that to swim away at his best speed before he shook it off and started for the psuedo-mountain in the center of the island.

It wasn't long before he found the gaping cavern he was searching for and stepped inside, the sound of the storm seeming to cut off to a soft, barely-there background noise as he crossed the threshhold. He took a deep breath, carefully noting the scents lingering in the air. Heavy metallic scents... old blood... and a thick scent that he recognised instantly, despite having only previously having had a quick whiff of a faded scent trapped in a bottle that had been left to gather dust for untold decades, possibly centuries.

Kakashi let out a low whistle at the impressive cavern, cut off instantly as one of Naruto's hands snapped up. Naruto glanced behind, noting that everyone had followed him, as he'd suspected they would.

"Touch nothing." He began, ominously. "They do not tolerate thieves. Leave the talking to me, unless it directly questions you specifically and, if it does, be as polite as though you were taking audience with the Daimyo of all the countries and their Kage at once. Lastly, if I give you an instruction, you are to follow it without hesitation. I cannot guarantee your safety otherwise."

"What are you talking about, Naruto?"

He ignored Kakashi's question and conjured up a light, heading into the depths of the cavern and the rest, now wary of the gathered shadows, followed through several twists and turns until the tunnel opened up into a huge, dimly lit opening, filled with burning coals in sconces and tapestries and magnificent statuary, and great piles of gold and jewels. Sakura, as though hypnotized, reached slowly for a delicate silvery tiara set with chips of emerald, until Naruto's hand clamped painfully tight around her wrist.

"Touch _nothing_." He growled. "Not even were it to satisfy your every worldy desire, that you could die without regret, _touch it not_!"

"N-naruto!" She gasped, the hand in his grip beginning to spasm lightly. "You.. You're scaring me."

Naruto let go and withdrew a few paces before turning back.

"I can assure you... you've not yet begun to know fear."

Naruto hurled the sphere of light into the air, the intensity increasing as it rose to reveal a great winged lizard, eying the group with a speculative curiosity combined with a barely hidden sense of malice. Tazuna gasped at the sight of the dragon and Kakashi, although he'd been trained not to show surprise so easily, was also visibly stunned for the shortest of moments.

"Kneel." Naruto ordered calmly. Tazuna hadn't needed the order, having dropped to his knees at some point all on his own, but Kakashi slowly lowered himself as well, obviously reluctant, but willing to trust that his student knew what he was doing. Sakura and Sasuke, however, had no such hesitations... the full force of the aura of terror surrounding the great dragon having made significant headway against their young and impressionable minds. Naruto nodded and turned back to the owner of the hoard.

"Great One! Master of the Skies and Seas, ruler of all Earth that falls within your dominion! We humbly prostrate our unworthy selves before your Wondrous Glory and Splendour! Great Wyrm, Winged Master of all you survey, we insignificant mortals beg a simple boon of you, a mere moment of your time and conversation as we speak, marvel upon your Magnificence, and leave to carry the tale to all that we may meet upon our travels."

The dragon chuckled, a deep and throaty sound, as would a man who's favored pet had learned a new and particularly interesting trick.

**"Speak, then, Unworthy One. Why is it that I deny my hunger simply to hear the words of one so insignificant as yourself?"**

Kakashi stiffened slightly at the implication that they were soon to become a meal, but Naruto was actually quite pleased with the way the conversation was turning. The dragon was interested, that much was obvious behind the superior and predatory tones that were simply to be expected. Fortunately, the encounter hadn't been entirely unexpected, so he'd had an entire boat ride's worth of time to work out a way to keep them all, or failing that at least himself, alive.

"Once, Great One, there was a pact between your Majestic Self and the mortals of this island. This unworthy one would seek for the pact to be renewed."

**"Aaah. The pact. I recall those days well. However, Unworthy One, I question why it is only now that the humans of these islands recall those days, and only now seek me out."**

Naruto opened his mouth to answer, but was silenced as an enormous claw rose.

**"That one."** The dragon rumbled, claw shifting to point at Tazuna. **"His features are similar to one I once knew. That one is of my islands. He shall answer my question."**

Tazuna worked his mouth for a long moment before rasping out a single word.

"Gatou." His voice cracked under the pressure put upon him as he continued. "Gatou.. Gatou has come. Gatou has..... ruined us."

The dragon rumbled as it shifted its weight.

**"Gatou. The name of an insignificant vermin? It is unfamiliar to me."**

"Great One, grant me the honor to tell you of Gatou." Naruto waited a moment for the dragon to motion for him to proceed before he continued. "Gatou is a shortsighted human who has gathered to himself some small wealth. He is a fool, who has brought the people of your country to ruin, gluttonously taking all within his grasp for himself, and a coward of a tyrant who has hired many men stronger and more willing to shed their blood than he. He has brought your country to the brink of destruction for the sake of his petty short-term gains rather than building it up to the powerful nation it could have been, and may yet still be, with the prestige and long term benefits it would have brough. He has now set his gaze upon Tazuna, one of the few among your people yet willing to risk himself against the cruelties that Gatou may bring to bear for the sake of-"

The dragon let loose something like a growling bark, and Naruto fell silent instantly.

**"I have heard more than enough, insignificant one. I shall consider your proposal, and you may leave in peace. BEGONE."**

Naruto bowed deeply and subtly signalled Kakashi and the others to stand, and backed up several respectful paces before he turned, keeping the dragon in his peripheral vision at all times just in case it proved to be unexpectedly whimsical and decided to change its mind.

They were well out of the storm before the silence was broken again.

"That was a dragon." Sasuke stated in a dull, shocked monotone.

"Yep." Naruto answered, despite the fact that it hadn't been a question.

"A real... dragon." Sakura picked up, in a similar state as Sasuke.

"Sure was. And just think... if Kakashi-sensei hadn't felt the need to indulge his geographic curiosity, we probably wouldn't have met it at all."

Kakashi twitched slightly, then again as three united, albeit small, spikes of killer intent rose from behind him as he flipped a page in his book, trying to disguise the way his hands were still shaking.

The dragon hadn't seemed to be as powerful as the demon fox had been, but against just one four-person squad it wouldn't have to be.

It was at that moment that Kakashi silently and solemnly concluded to take everything Naruto suggested much more seriously, especially if he was freaking out at the time. Then he turned the page and saw the chapter illustrations and all thoughts on the matter were slammed forcibly out of his head for more pressing concerns.

xxx

Kazumi actually took a little longer than Kakashi had expected, as she wasn't particularly used to carrying loads. On the other hand, she didn't bother to drop her illusions and compulsions until after she'd dropped the scroll off, and had left a surprised Hokage and a whole host of more paranoid than usual ANBU in her wake.

And, since Naruto had given her money to spend as she pleased, there was going to be an obvious next step before she went to the tower.

"Sake!"

The bartender carefully eyed the small, winged woman standing on the counter.

"Are you...."

"Legal? I'm not gonna tell you my _exact_ age, buddy, but I'm older than you are."

The bartender paused, not willing to admit aloud that his next word would actually have been 'real'.

"How do you..."

"Know, without knowing your own age? There's a limit to how old you humans can get, without help. I'm past that."

The bartender nodded slowly and exchanged a silver coin for a bottle of sake and then watched, bemused, as the polite little figment of his imagination chugged it down and flew off, without so much as a wobble.

xxx

Time passed. Kazumi returned with a book and a small pouch that Naruto quickly snatched and concealed somewhere about his person. Sasuke brooded, and Sakura fawned over him. Inari repeatedly made a nuisance of himself, and Naruto repeatedly 'put the brat to bed early' rather than deal with it. Kakashi continued sending some of his pack of dogs off to supplement their host's table, and ran the three genin into the ground with training for a few days. After that, he dropped it and had them rest up as he kept an eye out, waiting for the strike they all knew was coming.

Tazuna hadn't put the dragon out of his mind, either. He'd taken to mumbling about it in his sleep, or through the haze of sake, and although he never spoke clearly on the matter, it was obvious that it was never far from his mind.

But the expected attack never came, and the bridge dragged closer to completion, until it became obvious what Gatou's plan was. He had changed his mind, and would now wait until the bridge was _almost_ done, then send Zabuza in to deal with the workers, lay claim to the 'abandoned' bridge, finish it with his own money, and then have a complete monopoly over all land and sea routes again, no doubt charging exorbitant tolls for the use of 'his' bridge.

Sakura seemed shocked when he brought up the idea, while Sasuke just grunted and Naruto ignored the whole thing in favor of memorizing a high level spell.

Kakashi's eye twitched and he only barely kept himself from ordering them all outside to do another vomit-run, remembering that he'd need them useful for the fight to come.

After, though? After that he was going to make their lives a complete hell on earth.

xxx

A.N.

Still a little short, probably because I originally intended this and chapter four to have been one long conglomerate of a chapter. That's just how it goes, I guess.

Minor error I noted in the last chapter. 'Decorate' is supposed to be 'Desecrate'. Just one of those things that slips past you, without realizing it.

In any case I, uh, seem to have been proven a liar about the Kyuubi making a sudden appearance. I will fit the demon in somehow, though, so it shouldn't be too terribly long before the furry engine of destruction makes its way into the plot.


	6. Chapter 6

Uzumaki Naruto, Sorceror for Hire

xxx

The backup arrived the day before they expected the final showdown to happen. And the moment Kakashi saw them, he fiercely regretted even considering sending that report to the Hokage.

"KAKASHI! My ETERNAL RIVAL! How YOUTHFUL of you to ACCEPT the SHORTCOMINGS of your YOUTHFUL GENIN SQUAD and CALL for BACKUP from myself, the mighty GREEN BEAST of KONOHA! MAITO GAI! I and my YOUTHFUL GENIN SQUAD, Hyuuga Neji, Tenten, and my STAR PUPIL, the BLUE BEAST, ROCK LEE are HERE to SAVE THE DAY!"

"YOOSH!" What seemed to be a younger clone of the Jounin-sensei chimed in, with no regard for the auditory pain of the other two members of the team and, indeed, everyone else in the near vicinity.

Gai did a 'thumbs-up' pose, complete with a toothy, sparkly grin and continued talking... without seeming to notice that while his mouth was moving at a frantic rate, no sound was coming forth. The mini-me was almost immediately proven to be in the same state, and equally oblivious.

Kakashi's mind shot into overdrive, suddenly recalling the jutsu Naruto had placed on the boat that had ferried them across, and realizing the usefulness if such a thing was instead placed on, say, two sets of eye-watering spandex as he turned to the genin in question, who unrepentantly lowered his hand.

"Sorry, sensei." Naruto said, not bothering to conceal that he obviously wasn't sorry at all. "It's just way too early for this sort of thing."

Less than a second later, Naruto found himself pinned against a wall.

"I will subject my body to your every twisted and degenerate whim for the rest of my life... if you teach me to do that." Came the utterly serious pronouncement.

Naruto looked down into the face of the girl on the team, Tenten, who was crushing herself against his right side, silently begging with her eyes. Then he very slowly turned his head to the left, where Hyuuga Neji had said and done essentially the _same exact thing_.

Kakashi made no effort whatsoever to hide his amusement at the situation as several long, tense seconds passed. Then white eyes slowly blinked once, and Neji backpedaled rapidly, coughing into his hand and mumbled something about 'caught up in the moment' before resuming the superiority stance and expression that Naruto had become familiar with through Sasuke and did his best to pretend that the last ten seconds or so had never occured and that he wasn't right on the verge of breaking down and begging for the secret.

Tenten hadn't budged a millimeter.

"While I'm...." Naruto paused and glanced at the dynamic duo, who still hadn't noticed anything was wrong as they hugged each other and wept tears of joy. "... very, _very_ sympathetic to your situation... I'm afraid that it's really something of a... clan technique."

There was a moment of silence.

"Hello. My name is Tenten. Will you marry me?"

Naruto's eyes moved... away from the spandex duo, Neji, and the kunoichi that had himin a vice grip and a glint in her eye that suggested that if he just said 'no' outright then multiple sharp and pointy things would be introduced to the equation. His gaze landed on Sasuke for a moment, who was going to as little trouble to hide his amusement as Kakashi was, past a gobsmacked Sakura, and eventually turned into a glare at the clear blue skies above. How _dare_ nature not bend to his unspoken whim by sending a sudden violent hurricane, or a hailstorm, or a rain of fire, or anything really that would get him out of this predicament.

"I'll...... consider it?" He managed, eventually, knowing that there was no way his less-developed wizard's frame would allow him to break free of the hold she had him in.

"Is that a 'yes, dear' I just heard?" She countered.

"It's... not an outright 'no'." Naruto admitted, vaguely ashamed of himself and the slow bending of his supposedly iron will.

Finally, _finally_, Kakashi chose to intervene.

"You know, perhaps it would be best if discussions of possible engagements were put off a little. Until we're back in Konoha, maybe? Or at the very least, not in the middle of a mission and distracting ourselves from the battle plans we _should_ be making?"

Tenten detached herself, suddenly all business, and Kakashi sent a meaningful look Naruto's way. With a grunt of disgust, he wiggled his fingers to unravel the field of silence surrounding the Beasts. Fortunately, they seemed to be winding down to a close.

The rest of the day was spent planning the way the battle would go. The bridge would be complete tomorrow, there was only a very short span left to build, connecting the end to the ground, and so tomorrow would be when Zabuza would strike.

The only question was _how _he would strike. If it would be an all out assault, or if hostages would be taken in an effort to force a surrender.

They divided carefully. Kakashi's team would go to the bridge, while Gai's would remain at the house for a set period of time, or until flares could be set off. A red one for Zabuza, and a white one for his accomplice, to let them know which was at the bridge and which they would need to watch out for. If they were both set off, then it meant both had shown themselves at the bridge, and a couple of them should_ get the hell to the bridge_ because they would be needing backup something like five minutes ago. If the opposite of what they expected happened, and they both showed up at Tazuna's instead of the bridge, then Gai's team would be the one setting off a flare instead.

Gai howled something about the plan being 'youthfully magnificent', and was dutifully ignored by everyone except Lee.

And then, Naruto thought to warn them not to interfere if a dragon should happen to show up. Leaving the entirety of team Gai staring at him like he was a crazy person. He looked for support from his own team, only to find their backs turned as they carefully buried themselves once more in a deep pit of denial.

And after that, really, there had been no other option except to make a tree-golem, and everything just plain went to hell for the day.

xxx

The morning met them with fog around the bridge. Which, you know, hadn't exactly been the most unexpected turn of events. These parts of the islands, it was foggy three nights out of five, and that usually lingered until something like noonish.

On the other hand, this was a dense, nasty sort of fog. The kind that you would regularly get with certain jutsu, which Zabuza had already shown himself proficient in.

The workers strewn across the bridge like broken toys were just a subtle confirmation, really.

Sakura had fired off the flares before either of the Nukenin had finished their Dramatic Entrances and, her usefulness apparently dried up,

"Huhuhuh...Just look at your brats, Kakashi. They're trembling."

"I'm trembling..." Sasuke said, apparently mistaking the comment to be directed at him, while Naruto was vibrating from the magical energies he was gathering not two feet beside him. "... from _excitemen_-"

"Let's get on with _killing each other _already!" Naruto howled, unleashing a swirling ocean of flames to engulf pretty much everything in the area, prompting everyone else to either scramble to get out of the way or, in the case of the workers, crawl or roll to drop off the edge of the bridge and into the water where it was unlikely that they would immediately burn to death.

Sasuke found himself envious of the fire technique that had burned off the mist and eclipsed any of the ones he knew... _yet_, he hastily qualified. He also found himself trapped in a dome of mirrors, alongside an equally surprised Kakashi, who it seemed had teleported in entirely the wrong direction and was now going to be double-teaming Zabuza's accomplice, rather than fighting Zabuza himself.

Naruto had taken on that role, and had relatively quickly pushed Zabuza onto the defensive with a barrage of elemental spells, followed by magically binding and shaping some of the water around them into ice-golems.

"You know Zabuza, I think I shall turn you into a rabbit." He stated conversationally, blasting at the man with a powerful arc of electricity that he was hard pressed to avoid. "Yes... a cute little rabbit with black fur and floppy ears and beady little red eyes. Then I shall tie a pink ribbon around your neck, and name you 'Mopsy' and then I'm going to _feed you to a snake_!"

He'd finished in something of a rabid howl, along with a spray of acid, and Zabuza was forced to admit that yes, he was just a little bit intimidated.

Then he landed in a patch of thorns that he knew hadn't been there ten seconds ago, and realized that he was screwed as they lashed around his limbs.

For the first time in the whole fight, Naruto was suddenly in hand-to-hand range as he set a glowing finger against Zabuza's chest.

"Hello, Mopsy." He smirked, casting the polymorph spell.

And _right_ that second, five senbon caught him in the forearm, and he watched with a dull sense of horror as the contained magic went completely haywire before discharging.

There was a brief moment of shock. Then he turned and dived as far as he could, ending in a roll to carry himself even further and behind the leg of one of the golems. Then... absolutely nothing happened.

"What the hell?" Zabuza said, plainly confused, as Naruto peered suspiciously back around his frozen shield.

"I... uh... my bad." Naruto admitted. "Thought you were going to explode."

This didn't exactly fill Zabuza with relief.

"And... why, exactly, would Zabuza-san have exploded?" came a dangerous voice from behind. Naruto turned to find his nose only a handswidth away from the accomplices mask. He considered that for a moment, then leaned to the side, where he could see the remnants of the other battle, where Kakashi had apparently taken more than a few hits for Sasuke, considering he was on the ground and only twitching now and again, and Sasuke was crumpled up against an ice-mirror and breathing heavily, having been savagely beaten and well away from his next wind.

"Oh, for... turn my back for one minute, and this is what I get. So much for the vaunted Sharingan."

Zabuza snorted, drawn away from his struggle to tear his way free of the thorns for just a moment.

"He was fast enough to dodge my senbon, but not enough to deflect them from the other, or to move him out of the way. Be that as it may..." Haku continued. "It doesn't explain why you expected Zabuza-san to.... explode."

"I'd thing it was obvious." Naruto grumbled, poking at his numb arm. "_Somebody_ decided it was a good idea to interrupt the spell. Jutsu. Whatever you prefer to call it. This person probably thought it was a good idea, that it would turn the thing 'off', so to speak. Not so much."

Zabuza had gone very, very still during the explanation.

"Really now, I'm an orphan, so everything I know I learned from books and scrolls rather than elder family..." Technically all true, but tied together in a way to lead them to incorrect assumptions. "But I'm pretty sure the most likely outcome at that point was that there would be a violent cascade failure of..."

Naruto paused, considering what to say for a moment.

"Well... end result, Zabuza go Boom. You really are a lucky bastard."

"So... it _did_ cancel the effect?" Zabuza asked, wanting to be very clear on that point before he ordered Haku to put a few needles into the blonde's head.

Naruto snorted.

"Not hardly. Any second now, what would have been a painless process to the end result of 'Mopsy' is gonna kick in _hard_. And I don't have the slightest clue what you'll end up as, or if I'll be able to turn you back the way I _could_ have if my spell hadn't been interrupted. Oh, and-"

There was a sudden sensation as though all of Zabuza's nerves had been set on fire and torn out through his skin, leaving him howling in agony.

"-and... it's... going to really hurt." Naruto finished lamely. "But it looks like you've figured that out already.

Haku freaked out after the first few seconds, and passed out nearly a minute in. Tazuna and Sakura, who were much further away, were merely left vomiting and weak-kneed at the grotesque spectacle. Naruto didn't even twitch until the end, when he stepped forward to inspect and gently poke Zabuza with the tip of a kunai, just to make sure the nukenin had finished and wasn't about to collapse into a lump of pus.

"Huh. Arms, legs, head. Full complement of fingers, toes, and facial features. Eyebrows are still gone. And... these are new." He noted dryly, prodding Zabuza's brand new set of pectoral enhancements. "Well, in spite of the ridiculously long odds, you're still human, and even look vaguely similar to the way you used to. Good for you."

"B-boobs!" A horrified Zabuza choked out as the thorns withered and died, releasing the Nukenin.

"Yes, and a very nice set indeed. I'd try to get used to them, if I were you."

With a wordless cry of rage, Zabuza lunged, Kubikiri Houcho in hand, only to stumble and slam face first into a patch of bridge.

"Different body." Naruto noted again. "Different height, weight, center of gravity, and a completely new set of hefty counterbalances to get used to. You really shouldn't be trying to pick a fight right now."

Zabuza tried to stand, but only managed a sort of floppy, twisty half-crawl before collapsing again.

"And... you're probably still numb from the pain. Which is why you're still struggling instead of paying any attention to my attmpt to educate you."

"Did we... miss something?"

Naruto turned his head absently, to where Neji and Tenten were making their way across the bridge.

"Oh, only everything. What took you?"

"A dozen of Gato's mercenaries. Weak, but distracting, and they came just as the flares went off."

Neji paused, then frowned.

"It seems that they were only a portion of Gato's army, because over a hundred more just landed thirty meters down the bridge."

Naruto's brows arched as he turned to confirm the situation and eye the large barge tied off to a support pillar.

"How the hell did we all miss that?" He groaned, raising his good arm to rub at one of his temples. The state of his other arm wasn't missed by anyone on either side, and Gato sneered before turning his attention to Neji and Tenten, passing the trembling Sakura over entirely as inconsequential.

Naruto was only partially through a thought about it being his last mistake before a very large shadow passed over them all and he realized that he had much more important things to consider.

He was on his knees before the dragon had completely landed, and everyone else was still only just beginning to comprehend what their eyes were telling them.

He managed to shoot a quick 'Kneel, dammit!' behind him before being forced to put all his attention straightforward and trust that the fellow Konoha-nin were bright enough to follow advice.

**"Cast praises toward whatever feeble diety you hold most dear, insignificant one. I have considered the proposal brought before me, and have not come to strip the flesh from your scrawny bones."**

"Great One! Your humble servant blesses all the gods and spirits of good fortune for allowing him a second chance to worshipfully cast his adoring gaze upon your glory."

**"Your pathetic adulations are worth as little as the spent air with which they fly past your lips. For now, you shall dispense with them, puny one. I have come to give news that I shall hear the pleas of the peoples of my islands, to begin the renewal of the pact."**

"That's... that's wonderful!" Naruto said, happy enough at the turn of good fortune that the lapsed out of the servile tone and speech patterns, then promptly winced when he realized it.

**"From you, however, Insignificant one... I require a show of good faith. A payment in advance, if you will."**

And there was the catch. Naruto began wracking his brain for something, _anything_, that he could sacrifice to the dragon. And that it would accept, of course.

"What the hell is going on! Someone get this giant, filthy lizard out of here!" Gato squealed in a vain attempt at bravado. What he hoped to gain from the effort...

Pieces clicked together and a wide grin sprouted across Naruto's fate as the dragon brought itself up to its full height, obviously insulted and only a half-step away from a full homicidal frenzy.

"Great one, the rude infidel before you is Gato! Gato the blind, Gato the fool, the same Gato who has brought the people of your islands to ruin. Paltry offering though it may be, I offer you the life of Gato, as well as the lives of his mercenary force, who have conveniently gathered themselves to this spot of their own volition in the hopes of being granted the honor of serving as your meal."

"Wait, what the-?" One of the mercs got out before the dragon's eyes narrowed and focused on them.

**"Accepted, mageling."**

_What followed was a scene of gore and brutality simply too epic to be transcribed in mere words. Feel free to imagine it for yourselves, with suitable insertions of_ 'NO! NOOOO!'_s and _'Gah! My SPLEEN'_s. Thank you for your understanding._

Thirty minutes had passed as the dragon slowly gorged itself. During that time, Sakura had vomited twice more, Tazuna three times, Neji and Tenten had abrubtly decided that as things were well in hand here, they really should go check and make sure Gai and Lee hadn't been attacked by random nukenin... or distracted themselves into running off into the sunset with tears streaming down their faces, leaving the family of the client unprotected. All of the unconscious and semi-conscious nin had come to, taken one look at what was going on, and decided to lie very still, like rabbits hoping the hawk would pass them by.

There were only finger-sized chunks left when it beat its gigantic wings once.

**"Man of my islands."** It said, addressing Zabuza. **"You will make my lands prosperous once more. Then you will return to my lair, a tithe will be decided, and the pact shall be renewed once more. As for you, mageling."** It leaned forward and sniffed deeply at him. Naruto stoically bore the attention, fully intending to bear his way through until he could lock himself in a closet and collapse into a ball of paranoid anxiety.

**"You... bear a faint scent of a being I did battle with once before, long ago. Yes... it seems that I am not the only myth awakened. Take my blessing... and begone from my islands at your earliest convenience, mageling."**

The dragon breathed outwards, lifting Naruto slightly into the air as a blue haze of crackling electricity sparked around his body, lashing at him and burning through his clothes and skin to find a resting place within him somewhere that words could not describe, the place where his magical energies pooled the most deeply.

Without another word, the dragon beat its mighty wings again and cast itself into the skies, circling twice before angling off towards the island of perpetual rain.

xxx

Haku had disappeared shortly before everyone's gaze came off the feasting dragon. It was therefore quite the surprise when, after prying out the needles closest to vital organs and arteries and escorting the frazzled Tazuna back to his home, they found not just him but Zabuza as well, sitting at his table and drinking tea.

Team Gai was sitting on the opposite side of the table, where a wary silence had fallen between the two groups, each waiting for the other to make the first attack.

Naruto neatly defused the situation by stalking up to Haku, stuffing his limp and needle-punctured arm up in his face with his good hand, and demanding that he fix it. _Now._

Tenten muttered something about brass that he couldn't quite catch, but made a patch of skin around Neji's nose turn slightly pink. Haku, for his part, simply hesitated a moment before pulling something like a pair of plyers out and beginning the both laborius and painful process of tugging the needles out, one by one.

Tensions lowered the slightest amount, just enough that the odds of anyone snapping and assaulting someone on the other side had reduced to an acceptable level.

"So, Zabuza." Kakashi began, idly. "Seeing as that you and your apprentice are, in fact, nukenin, I'd have expected you to be long gone by now."

'What gives?' wasn't actually said, but it was a heavily implied concept. Zabuza grunted in disgust and turned away from the other Jounin.

"Runt. You're fixed. Now fix me."

Naruto paused in his checkup of his damaged arm, now much less spiky, to stare uncomfortably at Zabuza.

"Well... you see... how should I put this?"

"Can you fix me or not?" The nukenin growled out through pointy teeth. Naruto rubbed the bridge of his nose before answering.

"It's... theoretically possible." He finally said. "Eventually. If this had been my intention with the spell, then of course I could have reversed it with almost no effort at all. But given that the spell went wildly out of control after being interfered with.... to be brutally honest, I'm not at the level where I can fix what happened yet. Or even to start unravelling how the spell went wrong. And even once I was, it could take years, even decades, of intense study to work out a way to return you to normal."

Naruto shrugged sheepishly. Zabuza was silent for many long moments, completely lost in thought, before speaking up.

"Fine. In that case..." Zabuza glared at the blonde. "I'm not letting you out of my sight until you can turn me back."

"Fair enough." Naruto agreed.

"Just try to get rid of... me?" Zabuza wound down, the planned series of angry demands screeching to a halt. "Uh... good."

"I'll put you up in my hidden, invisible tower." Naruto continued, ignoring the subtle stares that were directed his way after he made the decision aloud.

"Naruto... has a hidden, invisible tower?" Sasuke mumbled.

"Maybe..." Kakashi mumbled back. "Or it could be a psychotic delusion, and he's really just going to throw out a couple futons in his apartment."

Sakura nodded. That made much more sense... even if their teammate made the regular habit of defying even the laws of reality that ninja were constrained by.

xxx

Much, _much_ later, after everyone had returned to Konoha, Zabuza let out a low whistle while Haku just stood, dumbfounded.

"Kid... even with you saying 'hidden, invisible tower', I wasn't exactly expecting you to come through with an actual hidden, invisible tower."

"A hidden, invisible, _flying_ tower." Naruto countered. "And yes, it is rather nice, isn't it. Couple things you need to know though, you shouldn't feel the need to eat while you're here, it all translates to thirst, and the water supply doesn't seem to ever run out. Also, while you're free to read any books you find, _please_ don't actually attempt anything you might find inside. Things could quickly become... messy."

Both nodded rapidly.

xxx

A.N. Wave arc finished. Yes, I skipped ahead a bit at the end, but first off I couldn't find a way to fit the teary goodbye scene thing in, and second, the invisible tower thing wouldn't have worked quite as well that way. What can you do, eh?

Once again, the Kyuubi hasn't really come into things... but! At least this time I managed to work in a vague mention of it! That... counts for something, right?


	7. Chapter 7

A.N. As it turns out, yes, there were a couple of errors in the last chapter. When the dragon adresses 'Zabuza'... it was supposed to be 'Tazuna'. And with Sakura 'apparently dried up,' was supposed to be followed by 'she retreated a few paces to guard Tazuna as best she could.' My bad. No idea how those slipped through the quick re-read before I posted it. But on to business.

xxx

Uzumaki Naruto, Sorceror for Hire

xxx

Konoha had accepted Nukenin seeking asylum before. Pretty much every hidden village had, actually. This was something of a special situation, though.

You see, normally the standard protocol was to put something very similar to the Hyuuga caged-bird seal. The moment that the nin in question showed even the slightest hint that they might be considering becoming a Nukenin again, the seal would be activated, and their heads would explode.

That had been the plan for Zabuza and Haku as well, the moment they arrived. However, they were being sponsored by an active ninja, which meant they either had to get Naruto's permission for the seal to be applied, or lure them away from Naruto so that some sort of incident could be created that would 'require' the seal to be placed on them as punishment before he had a chance to respond, or even realized that something was wrong.

And Naruto simply wasn't interested in the suggestions of the much older and more cynical ninja, and Sarutobi had never been really pleased with that course of action anyway, so wouldn't allow it to be pressed too far. It wouldn't be much of a problem, as they could move straight to plan B... only to run into an unexpected snag.

Zabuza and Haku quite simply did not leave Naruto's side. Not for anything. They ate every meal together, they trained in the same field as team seven, they accompanied every single D-rank that Naruto sometimes watched, but never actually participated in, not seeming to care that he was forfeiting the pay from it by doing so, and wherever it was that they slept, as it had quickly become obvious that it was not in the apartment Naruto still paid rent for out of habit, it was doubtless in the same room, or rooms right next to each other.

They even bathed in the hot-springs at the same time, Zabuza having apparently been quite serious about not ever letting the blonde out of visual range, and having absolutely no sense of feminine modesty to boot, as the faux-female joined them in the male half. With gawking and leers cut down to nearly nothing by the simple expedient of the gigantic rust-proof sword with her at all times, even unclothed.

The elders complained to the Sandaime, only to find him unexpectedly unsympathetic to their inability to place a tatoo that promised torture and death on Naruto's new 'allies'. In fact, he was privately very amused at the whole situation, and not only didn't give into their demands for him to _order_ Naruto to let them use the seal, but immediately rebuked them for the suggestion. Very calmly, but aided by a surge of focused killing intent that nearly made their old hearts explode in their chests as a reminder that yes, _he_ was the boss.

After getting their bodies back under control, changing their clothes, and in one specificc situation waking up from a mini-coma in a hospital room guarded by Root ANBU, those elders left to stew in their juices and wait for an opportunity that was seeming more and more likely to never come.

xxx

Meanwhile, Sasuke was brooding on all the standard subjects, plus a few new ones for flavor. He'd managed to activate his Sharingan on that ill fated bridge fight, despite them shutting off from lack of chakra shortly afterwards. Even so, having activated them once out of neccessity, he could now turn them on and off at will.

He had therefore been spending his time stealing as many jutsu as he could set his eyes on. The problem was that he simply couldn't take the ones he _really _wanted. It seemed that the Dobe's jutsu were Hijutsu after all, because his Sharingan kept giving him the biological equivalent of an 'error' message along with a splitting headache every time he tried to assimilate them. Even his attempt at taking Haku's ice techniques had ended better, having simply been a failure rather than inducing any pain at all.

Another problem was that the Dobe was the only one who regularly used the sort of flashy, high-end techniques that he so desperately needed to _grind Itachi into innumerable sub-atomic particles_. Everyone else was much more sparing with their techniques, except for Shunshin, which was such a useful mobility technique that he caught sight of three or four ninja using it every day, Kakashi himself being one of them.

He'd also copied the better part of a dozen seperate Taijutsu styles, but was quite simply unwilling to put the effort into training with them to the point that he became the force of nature that that Gai person was. He hadn't found any Genjutsu at all, and his Ninjutsu was, for the most part, limited to genin and low-chunin techniques. He'd tried to copy from Zabuza but, having experienced the Sharingan, the Jonin was careful to keep to the simplest things while in view of either Kakashi or Sasuke. It was frustrating, especially as the neo-woman seemed to be doing it subconsciously, rather than putting any actual thought into the decision.

Kakashi was very obliging about demonstrating jutsu when he asked, but even then it was only up to mid-chunin at best, the sensei apparently having decided to keep the good stuff in reserve for after Sasuke became a chunin himself.

It was indescribably frustrating, having unlocked his bloodline and finding it to be so much less use than he had anticipated. He couldn't even force people to show him things because, as Jounin, they could easily destroy him even while restricting themselves to the academy techniqes and simple Taijutsu moves. He needed more _power_.

He had long since come to the realization that he would only find it on missions against other ninja. Therefore, these _stupid_ D-ranks had to go.

xxx

Sakura, on the other hand, was more than happy to be back on D-ranks. On the seriously mis-classed mission to wave, she had begun to question her place as a Kunoichi, having been incapable of doing much of anything to help. The D-ranks left her with time for reflection.

And for training.

In spite of that, though, she was more than aware that she wouldn't advance nearly as fast as she wanted just training on her own, training with Sasuke would just hold him back, she was pretty sure training with Naruto would end in her being accidentally maimed or worse, and Kakashi had just set her to running trees again to build up her reserves and stamina.

That wasn't enough, though. So she had requested a list of Kunoichi experienced enough to be good sensei and had begun going through the list, marking off those that were unavailable for whatever reason. Kurenai would probably have been her best match, being a Genjutsu mistress and Sakura being a Genjutsu type... but she currently had a team of her own and Sakura had no intention of taking a senseis attention away from her assigned genin. That left the second option.

Sakura steeled herself as she stepped into the Dango shop Mitarashi Anko was known to frequent.

The woman herself was sitting at a corner table, scarfing down the dumplings with a voracity that nearly offended Sakura, who was a big dieter. She sat at the table, waiting patiently for acknowledgment. It didn't come even after the woman finished her plate and waved someone over.

"'Nother plate. And sake."

"Of course." The man said, plainly used to the woman's mannerisms and eating habits. "That will be-"

He paused as Sakura carefully waved several bills his way.

"A stick for me too... and I'll cover this round."

He nodded and took the money as Anko finally seemed to realize the existence of the genin at the table.

"So... you've got my attention now, kid. Whatcha want?"

Sakura took a deep breath.

"If it wouldn't be too much trouble... I would like to request training from you, Mitarashi-san, as well as my own instructor."

"Oho. And why'd you want something like that?" Anko wondered aloud, leaning back into the seat aloofly.

In reality, she was actually pretty interested in the proposal. It wasn't well known, but while chunin could recieve a battlefield promotion to Jounin in wartime, the promotion during peacetime was much more complicated. The Jounin exam was really more of a provisionary thing then, with the deciding factor being how you dealt with your first genin team. If you did poorly with them, or there simply wasn't a team available for you, then you got immediately busted down to 'special' Jounin.

Anko hadn't known this at first, so although she was already Jounin level, she was locked into Special Jounin class and paygrade until she trained a team. And due to certain political factors... it would be a very long time until she would ever be assigned a team. But if she could provide the Hokage with definite proof that she had been capable of handling one student, one that had come to her without being assigned, even... that might give him an opportunity to sway things in her favor.

It was that, or wait for the next war to roll around and hope for the best. But that didn't mean that she would let the brat know that she was interested, or that she would in any way make things easy on her.

The Dango arrived, and Anko munched on a dumpling as she waited for the genin to speak.

"It was... our mission to wave. I was almost completely useless... I felt helpless." She admitted. "While the others were fighting, and killing, all I could do was guard the client and hope no hostiles got past them. I... I even vomited." She admitted shamefully. "I spent the majority of every battle scared out of my wits.... and I _hated_ it!" She finished with a snarl.

Anko arched a brow and took a sip of sake.

"You assume that means something to me?" She asked, concealing the fact that it did, in fact, mean quite a bit. She had almost completely decided to go ahead with the training, but would still have her amusement at the student-to-be's expense.

"You've just said why you want training. Now tell me... why should _I_ train you? Motivate me."

Sakura worked her mouth, hesitantly, but couldn't think of anything to say, and so quickly bit a dumpling off her stick of dango to buy herself a few seconds. Anko pretended to take pity on the confused genin.

"I'll make things simple for you. Give us a kiss, and I'll think about it."

The stick clattered back down to the plate as Sakura reeled backwards at the suggestion, mouth hanging open to reveal the half-chewed dumpling inside.

"Flies, kiddo. Seriously, what's the big deal? It's not like I'm demanding sexual favors for training. Just a kiss, so I can tell if you're serious."

"But..." Sakura quickly swallowed. "But... _Sasuke_! And I don't like girls... like that..."

"So?" You're a kunoichi. Odds are, you're going to get at least one mission involving seducing someone for some reason somewhere down the line. And even if you don't like girls that way... the target might. It's probably best you learn to be flexible about this sort of thing sooner, rather than later."

Sakura hesitated a long moment before leaning across the table, hesitating again before she let her lips brush slightly against the older woman's. Anko sighed as Sakura blushed and started to move away.

"Kid... that was a _crap_ kiss. I'm really not sure-"

Sakura cut her off by surging forward again, all but slamming her tongue down the older kunoichi's throat, not letting up for air for several long seconds before settling back down into her seat, face completely red and her bangs shadowing her eyes from view. Anko gave the appearance of consideration as she licked her lips.

"Meh... could be better, but I guess you'll do." She 'decided'. "I'll talk with Kakashi later. So. First lesson... you're going to have to do something with that hair."

Sakura's hand went to her pink locks automatically.

"My...? _Why_?"

Rather than a verbal response to the asinine question, one of Anko's hands shot out and, in less than a second, wrapped Sakura's hair around her throat and _pulling_. Sakura quickly found she couldn't breathe, and Anko didn't let go until the genin's eyes had started to roll back into her head.

When Sakura woke up, Anko had finished off her plate and sake, and was polishing off the last dumpling of _her_ stick as well.

"_That_ is why, kiddo. Nobody tells you, but after a few missions shinobi learn not to wear their hair long unless they can keep an enemy from doing something like what I just did with it. You'll notice that pretty much only Jounin kunoichi wear their hair long and unbound."

Sakura hadn't actually consciously noticed that before, but now that she thought about it... there was a marked trend for genin Kunoichi to suddenly decide to wear their hair up, or cut short, which usually continued even when they were chunin. She simply hadn't put that together on her own before now.

"Oh." she managed to rasp out, rubbing at her throat for a moment before she took a small towel to wipe the crusty drool-foam off her cheek and jaw. Anko was shaping up to be a bit more difficult of a sensei than she'd expected.

"C'mon then, kiddo." Anko said as she stood up to leave, forcing Sakura to hurry or be left behind as they headed to an unoccupied training ground, where Anko bit her thumb and performed a few handseals, after which a large serpent appeared in a puff of smoke.

This wasn't large as in 'several feet long' either. It was large as in 'coiled up, size of a small house'.

"Shirousagi! Meet Sakura. She's come to me for training."

The snake looked at Anko for several long moments before turning its gaze to Sakura.

"You poor, ssstupid little child." It hissed sympathetically.

Not for the first time since actually meeting Anko, Sakura began to seriously question her choices leading up to this situation.

"Yeah, yeah." Anko said, waving an arm nonchalantly. "Pity the genin later, for now I need the scroll."

Shirousagi seemed to shrug, but the motion carried on for far to long, until Sakura realized, just as it opened its mouth, that it was actually working something up out of its guts.

Then a large, slimy scroll dropped out and onto the ground, where Anko casually kicked it open to reveal names scribbled in rusty brown.

"Go on then... sign."

Sakura dubiously drew a kunai and bit back a wince as she carved open the tip of her index finger and carefully signed her name just past Anko's. Her gaze wandered past it as she finished, to the next one in line. Oro-

Anko kicked the scroll shut before she could read any more of the name, and Shirousagi quickly coiled around it and swallowed, then disappeared in a poof.

"'Kay kiddo, let's see what you've got. You already have the blood flowing, seals are boar, dog, rooster, monkey, and then ram. Put all the chakra you can spare into it."

Sakura obliged, and with a poof... a baby snake, barely as long as her pinky appeared in the dirt, wriggling in confusion. Anko snorted.

"That... was a hell of a lot worse than I'd even begun to expect. Your reserves suck." She stated flatly.

Sakura just hung her head, not even bothering to deny it. Understandably, she jumped when a kunai zipped in to thunk between her feet, and she looked up to see Anko smirking and twirling a second kunai around her finger.

"Not a big problem. We'll start working on that right now. Start running around the field, as fast as you can. I'll.... let you know, when you start to slow down."

Sakura ran like she had never run before, save Kakashi's single punishment. To the point of exhaustion, and with no real care for her appearance, until she fell to her knees and emptied her stomach, then collapsed in the puddle.

And then Anko had kicked her over, dumped a bucket of water over her face to wash off the mess, and set her to running again.

xxx

The next day, Kakashi had taken one look at her, hair cropped to an inch-long set of spikes and obviously dragging and kindly offered to let her go home and take a nap in preparation for her extra training. She refused, looking at the D-rank and the following water-walking exercize that Kakashi set her on that day as a warm up.

Anko's training, in comparison, was living hell but she was already seeing rewards, as the first thing she had Sakura do was to summon a snake. It was still a very young one, but this time it was almost an inch longer. Excellent progress, in Sakura's opinion. Not so much in Anko's but just barely good enough.

xxx

It was four long, boring weeks before Naruto went ahead with his plan to get a C-rank and went through his list. It was three days for the mission to go through processing, after that.

"Team seven... we have a C-rank."

But it eventually came through.

"Briefing?" Sasuke asked, obviously glad not to be weeding somebodies garden or walking their dog.

"Anonymous client. They want us to investigate a specific marsh where travelers have an irregular habit of disappearing and, if possible, deal with the problem. Could be bandits, could be some sort of animal attacks, or it could just be idiot travelers wandering off the path and being sucked into quicksand. Whatever it is, once we've completed the reconaissance, we are to leave a report in a specific drop zone and return to Konoha. Probability of enemy ninja is low."

Sakura quietly summoned a foot long garter snake and sent it off to let Anko know she'd be missing today's training, missing the jealous glare Sasuke shot her way. Without signing the contract, he couldn't summon snakes even with the handseals memorized and, for some reason, Anko had flatly refused to train him when he'd come to demand it, seeing no reason even a weaker teammate should be given advantages he wasn't.

The thought of just asking _Sakura_ never once crossed his mind, not that it mattered. Anko had extracted an oath from her to not pass some things on to any of her team, on pain of actual torture. Sakura had no doubt she'd go through with it.

"Marsh-slogging." Naruto said, careful to put a tone on it that implied he found the mission slightly distasteful. If they found out he'd been the client, then the whole thing might be called off, and there were some spell components he didn't have in bulk that only grew in marshes. "Sounds like... _fun_."

"Orders are orders, Naruto. And it's not like you participate in D-ranks anyway." Sakura pointed out.

Naruto just grunted, seeming to resign himself to the mission.

"Alright then. We leave at noon." Kakashi decided.

xxx

They were halfway to the marsh when Kakashi stopped them and checked into a roadside hotsprings, where he explained that the boys would now finally be moving on to water-walking. Partially because their control was finally advanced enough for it, but mainly because it would make things a lot easier for him if he didn't have to drag them out of too-deep muck every thirty seconds when they finally arrived at the marsh.

An unexpected side-effect of the mission, although the incentive of easier-to-use jutsu wasn't really neccessary. Naruto didn't actually use chakra much, and so walking on water was an end for him, rather than a means. There were certainly spells that could simulate the effects of the tree and water-walking exercises, but they expended too much effort to really be practical, while these took barely anything at all, once fully mastered. A simple matter of expediency.

Sakura apparently mastered the ability right about the time that they managed to stay on the surface of the water for a few seconds before dropping in and soaking their boxers. Sasuke sent another idle glare her way as Kakashi patted himself down for a moment before bringing out a sheet of paper and instructing her to channel a tiny amount of chakra into it.

She did, and the paper instantly crumbled into dust.

"Huh... earth." Kakashi mumbled. "Interesting... I would have thought..."

He paused for a moment, lost in thought, then shook his head.

"It's nothing... just that the most common elemental affinities from Konoha are Fire and Water. Still, Earth is a good element... you won't have to go out of your way to practice, like you would with Fire or Lightning, and you won't have to worry about dehydrating yourself if there isn't much water nearby."

He led her to a patch of ground, where he had her sit.

"Now, send your chakra into the ground. Feel the earth. Meditate upon it. Learn it, and, in time, _become_ the earth beneath you."

Sakura closed her eyes and Kakashi walked away as she began to slowly extend her chakra beneath herself.

It wasn't long before she realized what he meant, as the earth began to slowly open up to her attention and slowly reveal some few of its secrets. Here.... the skeletal remains of some unfortunate, long dead person. There... the crack in the stone of the springs where water seeped upward and There, deeper, where it was heated by living, burning earth. Here, where there were soft vibrations as Kakashi paced around the springs. Here, where there was a-There, where there was a-Here, where-There-Here-There, faster and faster, until suddenly Kakashi was shaking her shoulder and she snapped out of the meditation.

"Too far, too fast, Sakura." He said, and pointed down. She looked and was surprised to find that the hard earth around her had slid up to just under her ribs.

"What?" She mumbled, looking up again and only then noticing that the sun had long since set. "Huh?"

"You've been meditating for hours." Kakashi explained, surprising Sakura, who's perception of the time had been squished into a few short minutes. "And the earth was beginning to take you into itself. You have to learn to keep that from happening... it's the way that most earth-affinities that don't die in battle go. They let it take them too far, and then can't get back out on their own."

Sakura shuddered, but nodded and began to wrench her way above the surface.

"Take a bath." Kakashi advised. "And then get some sleep... early day tomorrow."

xxx

A.N. Huh.... that was pretty fast.

And also, it was far more Sakura-centric than I'd originally planned. Seems she hijacked the plot for this chapter. Oh well.

Couple brief things, there are _no_ actual pairings in this story, as such. Unless I find it amusing. But don't count on it.

And someone suggested a 'girdle of gender-swapping' for Zabuza. That is a possibility, yes... but I probably won't use it. Maybe it just doesn't exist in the sort of magic Naruto uses. Or maybe there just isn't any record of it in Naruto's libraries, and so he's just never heard mention of it. Or maybe it's just ridiculously cost-prohibitive to make one. I haven't picked an explanation yet.

And yes, Danzou did get a brief little nod near the beginning.


	8. Chapter 8

Uzumaki Naruto, Sorceror for Hire

xxx

Zabuza, for the first time, seriously considered saying 'screw this' and just leaving to learn to accept her new gender. Then another corpse lurched out from behind a tree and she quickly chopped it in half at roughly the same time Naruto blasted it to ash with a fire spell and Sasuke and Kakashi both hurled a single, pathetic kunai its way.

It was long gone before they'd flown halfway, contributing to a sudden feeling of inadequacy in the two Sharingan users, already spooked by the whole zombie thing.

Sakura might or might not have been much help, and Haku probably would have, but they weren't there. That was the entire problem, really.

xxx

It had been only an hour away from noon when they reached the swamp, and only half an hour later when it had happened. Ironic, because it was the sort of thing that would have fit midnight of a full moon better.

One second there was nothing... and then, he had appeared. Tall and wrapped in a hooded cloak that bore a vague similarity to Naruto's own, save that it was entirely black and decorated with raven feathers and small bleached bones. In one hand he held a staff, of black wood and set with a human skull at the tip. The entire group was instantly on guard, save Naruto, who simply stared for several long moments at the figure.

"Necromancer." He stated, finally, and he nodded once before replying.

"And you, who have not yet chosen a path to walk, but sample all. Almost a pity... that I am here on no social errand, but business."

Naruto's eyes had widened, and he had spun around quickly, sensing something the rest couldn't, but too late. _They_ rose up, from Sakura and Haku's own shadows, and dragged them back down before they could utter more than a soft gasp of surprise. Now weapons were out, and Naruto spun back around, fire gathering around one hand.

"They were _mine!_" He had snarled, perhaps not phrasing the sentence quite correctly, but definitely getting the point across. "Bring them _back_."

They couldn't see anything of the hooded man's face except for the tip of his chin, but for one brief moment it was obvious to them all that he was smirking.

"Apologies." he said, despite obviously not being sorry at all. "I required fresh materials for my experiments, and so have taken the two loveliest of you as toll for crossing my lands."

Hatake had started to say something about people not being possesions you could barter with when Naruto had interrupted with a snarl, eyes wild.

"They were mine! You dare steal from me? I will destroy you!"

"Perhaps." The man had allowed as the fire coalesced into a tiny sphere. "But... what then? After my death, my minions will be completely uncontrolled for the few short hours it will take for the energies keeping them together dissipate, and they either instantly die or wander off. I wonder... what will happen to them in that timespan?"

The fireball guttered out then, and it had become obvious that the Necromancer was smirking again.

"However... I shall make you an offer. My house is one mile east of here." He pointed with one gloved hand. "Hidden within the greatest death of the marsh. Bring me two others before sundown... and I will return the materials I have taken to you."

Sasuke didn't disguise his features fast enough to hide that he was obviously considering the deal, much to Kakashi's disapproval and Zabuza's blatant apathy. She was considering the deal too... but had quickly recognized that the odds of finding suitable candidates in time were astronomical.

"Or... you may simply attempt to take them from me, in the place where I am at the greatest advantage."

He shrugged, as though to demonstrate what he thought of the idea, then faded into a black mist, which Naruto dispersed with a powerful blast of lightning.

Then he paused and stared at his hand for a moment, obviously confused, before pushing the matter from his mind and turning east.

"Like hell... I'll just roll over for some Necromantic thief. I'll find your house... and there will not be so much as a single splinter left when I am through."

xxx

Of course, almost the minute they had left the path, they had been under siege by moaning, shambling corpses.

"What _are_ these things anyway!" Hatake groaned, out of his depth "What's a Necromancer? Naruto!"

"... Those who use the sort of Hijutsu I do are family. He is... something like the creepy pet-killing nephew that just wandered away from home one day and never came back that nobody talks about, if they can help it."

"That makes no sense!" Kakashi argued. "You're the son... You have no living relatives." He continued and caught before giving any names away. Naruto made a note of the fact, but otherwise ignored it as he blasted a cluster of zombies with a chain of lightning that had significantly more power than he remembered it having when he'd tested it. That would probably be the dragons blessing, he had decided, upon remembering that the blues were _storm_ dragons.

"True... I doubt that man and I are actually related. But not all families are bound by the ties of blood. Our family ties have different requirements."

Sasuke looked suddenly interested as he sank a kunai into a corpse's skull and it sank back into the water twenty or so meters away. Unfortunately for him, Naruto had no intentions of going any deeper into that subject.

"A Necromancer, such as he, is one who follows the blackest path of our extended family. Their path focuses on death, and spells that deal with the dead."

Kakashi's visible eye widened at the revelation. Though really, it was kind of obvious, but he'd subconsciously not _wanted_ to put the clues together, the human mind being very good at ignoring things it doesn't want to see.

"Where did you think these came from?"

"Then Haku?" Zabuza asked, breaking into the conversation.

"The Necromancer works with the dead. He wants his materials as fresh as possible, but he has no use for the living." Naruto confirmed.

The two Jounin quietly redoubled their efforts, Zabuza ignoring the internal fire blazing up her much skinnier arms, still not quite re-accustomed to Kubikiri's weight.

They had been carving their slow way through the putrid hordes for an hour now. It wasn't until the sun had come dangerously close to setting that they finally made it a full mile and came to a stop.

"We're here. Where's the house?" Zabuza growled, then turned and cleaved a sneakier-than-normal corpse in half, lengthwise.

"The greatest death..." Naruto mumbled, glancing around until his gaze fell on one of the many rotting trees littering the mire. Unlike the others, this one was very large. "Of course! Keep them off me while I find the entrance." He barked, and then began quickly running his hands over the surface of the tree.

It took several long, anxious minutes before he found what he was looking for and a section of the tree sank into itself and slid to the side, revealing a series of unlit stairs.

The door closed behind them as they rapidly went down, not taking the time to make a light, and widened up at the very bottom.

There was a great stone chamber, lit by sconces set in the walls, burning with a dull blue fire. As their eyes acclimated to the dim light, the group watched in horror as the hooded man slowly turned from the altars in the center and walked towards them.

His arms were dripping rapidly, leaving twin wet trails behind him.

"You said... you said we had until sundown." Sasuke finally said, and the necromancer cocked his head to the side.

"Why... so I did. Perhaps I lied. I do that, you know." He stated cheerfully.

"No..." Naruto suddenly realized in a dull tone. "No... you didn't lie at all. You said you'd give them back. You never promised... what condition they would be in."

The necromancer chuckled wryly.

"True, true. You're a smart one, aren't you? No wonder you found this place so fast... fast enough that I'm not quite finished. I took my time, I'm afraid, and the boy is still clinging, wretchedly, to his last thread of life..."

Zabuza couldn't take it any more and surged forward, sword swinging for the loathesome thing's throat, quickly followed by fireballs from Kakashi and Naruto. Sasuke slipped past the battle quickly and to the altars.

It was horrible, and shook him to the core as he temporarily relapsed back to the night where a horrified little boy had come home to discover that his wonderful big brother had just casually murdered every member of their family out of boredom. Or something, the details were still a little fuzzy, what with the subjective long-ass time of mindfuckery that had immediately followed.

This... this was almost worse. He'd not particularly liked any of his team to start, but had grown to tolerate the habits of their sensei, no matter how irritating, and Naruto. He'd begun to tolerate Sakura as well... and then she had begun training herself to become stronger, and so become infinitely more bearable, especially due to the grinding halt of the date requests.

He had even begun to... grudgingly... enjoy having her around. Sometimes. A little.

Something dark in Sasuke's subconscious clicked just right as he stared at the cooling lump of what was once Sakura. Her torso was no more than an empty cavity lined with ribs, her arms and legs sliced open and carved grotesquely, and her face... In some twisted mockery, her face had not been marred in any way, the monster seeming to have gone well out of its way to avoid damaging it.

He had _liked_ Sakura, he realized dully, his hands sagging into the bloodstained mess before jerking shakily out as he fell to his knees next to the altar. He had liked her, he had enjoyed her companionship. In spite of not really liking her _romantically_ she was a friend. His only real... friend.

His _best_ friend.

And now she was dead. _Because of him. He had killed her._

No! That wasn't true! It was that monster that had done this, not him! _But if he had rescued her... this wouldn't have happened_ his treacherous mind eagerly pointed out.

No! There was nothing he could have done... _He could have been faster. He could have trained harder. He could have rescued her in time. He had failed, and in so doing he had killed her just as surely as if he'd done the horrendous deed himself._

He had..._killed his best friend._

At that moment, it felt as though the sun had fallen from the sky and settled in his eyes, burning them from the inside out as specialized cells recognized a pattern of neurons that had activated in his brain and released a set of chakra-laced enzymes that quickly caused a rapid but controlled mutation.

It was not quite instant. It was nowhere near painless. But when it was finished, shuriken spun in place of pinwheels in his red eyes.

He felt his chakra levels suddenly dip and, while he didn't seem to consciously realize what it meant, he turned his distraught gaze to the necromancer, who was even now fighting off Naruto, Zabuza, and Kakashi with the help of the shadowy creatures that had kidnapped...

He _**hated**_ that hooded man. He wanted him to... to burn. Thick blood oozed from his tearducts as a pitch-black blaze surged in from nowhere to take greedy hold of the monster's clothes and flesh at the elbow.

Then, his chakra reserves dwindled to the point where he was only barely alive, his advanced Sharingan shut off and he collapsed to the ground, unconscious.

The necromancer howled with wordless, animalistic rage as he shook his arm, but only caused the fire to spread. Seeming to instinctively grasp the ridiculously dangerous nature of this particular flame, rather than try to pat it out he simply reached to his shoulder and tore all the flesh from the bones of his arms before casting it aside to burn.

Kakashi was shocked, then horrified as the foul being before them demonstrated that, even without muscles to control them, the bones were every bit as mobile as they were before, and the tips of the fingers had been carefully filed into razors.

Whatever Sasuke had done... it seemed had only increased the level of threat their opponent posed. Not that it gave Naruto any pause, Kakashi noted, as the shadow things had temporarily frozen at what their master had done, just the same as the Jounin had, which had left Naruto with the opening to begin a chant.

_"Let the harsh, unyielding exposure of the sun's light sear you to your very core! Solar Flare!"_

Kakashi didn't know what the chant meant, but could divine enough that he knew enough to cover his eyes when the pure white orb dropped in through the cieling. Even then, the flash was nearly blinding.

When he opened them, the shdow things were writhing on the ground as they slowly dissolved into white ash, and the necromancer was smoking heavily as he staggered back a step, then snarled as he regained his balance and his cloak began disintegrating, starting with the hood dropping off and to the floor.

Somehow, Kakashi was still surprised, in spite of everything, that everything from the upper lip up had been carefully peeled off to expose the skull beneath. One eyesocket held an actual eye, while the other held a dull, faceted chunk of obsidian, softly glowing with an eerie intensity, and the top of the skull was carved with runes and trigrams and pentagrams that made Kakashi's eyes water to look at.

The rest of the cloak dissolved, revealing a disgusting patchwork abomination of man and beast and horrors Kakashi had no name for. Then the creature surged, at a much greater speed than ever before, and buried his skeletal claw of a hand in Naruto's chest.

"Little fool." The thing stated calmly. "Do you take me for a simple servitor undead? Some peddler who's stock in trade is bones and flesh? I am not just Necromancer, I am _Lich_. Such a simple spell is of no true danger to me. I have existed in this place for a thousand years... and here I shall remain for thousands more. Even gods would hesitate to challenge me."

It twisted the claw, prompting a pained gasp from Naruto before continuing.

"It seems... that you were not so smart after all."

The last thing Naruto sensed before the blackness set in was the lich's hideous, arrogant smirk.

xxx

He was wet.

Obviously, this wasn't heaven then. He'd always envisioned it as a much dryer place. Hell too for that matter.

Clear that wherever he was, it probably wasn't heaven or hell, Naruto stood and took a look around the area. A sewer. That was great...

He paused as he noted that he seemed to be in the narrowing of a wide bottleneck, and slowly turned, somehow knowing he wasn't going to like what he was about to see.

He was right.

"You're a demon." He recognized, after a moment of staring at the ridiculously huge woodland creature. It snarled at him.

**"Remove the seal."** it growled at him, and Naruto arched an eyebrow.

"How about... not? Obviously, wherever I am I'm either dead, or about to die, and the last thing I want to do in that case is remove a seal that is quite obviously keeping a really freaking big demon locked up. Bad karma, don't you know. Instead, I think I'll just sit here and ignore you while I wait for something to happen."

The demon howled in rage and thrashed at the bars of its cage as Naruto turned around and sat back down in the water. The thing would get no satisfaction from him.

**"If you remove the seal..."** it somehow managed to growl seductively. **"... then you don't have to die."**

Naruto's back went ramrod straight. Then he slowly stood up and turned.

"Now.... I'm listening."

**"With the seal gone, I can heal you."** the demon crooned.

Naruto considered for a long moment before shaking his head.

"I don't buy this. It's too coincidental. I just take a mortal wound, and suddenly I'm here, bartering for my life with a demon? Something doesn't fit. How did I get here in the first place? I didn't plan it, and sealed up as you are I doubt you could bring me to wherever this is..."

**"You didn't go anywhere, runt."** The demon growled, obviously eager to move things along. **"We're inside of you... this is all a mental manifestation of the seal carved into your flesh-"**

The demon suddenly seemed to realize that in its hurry to persuade the blonde, it might have said just a bit too much.

"We're _both_... inside me. A seal carved into _my_ flesh." Naruto said, slowly working that tidbit out for himself. "Oh. Well then releasing you is obviously an even worse idea than I thought."

**"Cursed, moronic, hairless APE! If you do not remove that seal, we will BOTH die!"**

"Sucks to be you, don't it?" Naruto said, idly picking his nose. "Still... no way I'm letting you out. Not for just a quick heal-up and run off to die again immediately "

The fox's eyes narrowed as it calmed, settling down on its haunches. It knew the signs of a bargain beginning. Making deals was something all demons did.

**"And now I'M the one listening, monkey. But be swift... our time draws short."**

"Ha. You won't trick me, demon. If this is my mind... then I am in absolute control of everything within it, save for you and the seal containing you." To prove it, he did absolutely nothing, and the water shifted int a stone floor with a comfortable armchair behind him as he sat down. "Even time. If I make an error in dealing with you, it won't be because I missed something out of haste. I fully intend to take as long as neccessary."

The demon grunted, reluctantly and mildly impressed.

"First off, I would be a fool to simply release you immediately. However, on examination it seems that your sensory perception is sealed within the confines of your cage. I will remove a very small portion of the seal, enough that our perceptions will mingle. You will, if you wish, see what I see. Hear what I hear. Smell, feel, taste. You will be able to savor my every kill as though they were your own rather than simply glare at the walls and wonder, occasionally, if you can still remember what it is like to end a life."

**"Not enough."** it barked in denial.** "Not anywhere near enough. You believe your puny monkey senses can in any way match up to my own."**

"Ho... I see. But I'm afraid there's little I can do to advance my own body. However... _you_ can."

There was a long pause, followed by a wheezing series of noises and barks that Naruto slowly realized was laughter.

**"You selfish, mercenary, sneaky little monkey."** It said in tones of very mild amusement and admiration. **"Give first thought to your own safety, and then directly second to how to bleed everything you can from me. How very... fiendish. And to think I had worried about what the character of my host might turn out to be."**

"I do try. But quite seriously... if you are unsatisfied with my senses, then why not simply advance them to a degree that both of us can be comfortable with, or at least accept?"

The demon fox grunted in amusement again and the bickering continued.

xxx

"We will of course require a physical contract."

**"Oh? You do not trust me to keep my word?"**

"I do not trust you in the slightest, demon." Naruto agreed amiably. "I have read accounts of deals with your kind gone awry, and I shall take no chances."

The demon chuckled again and, with a mild extension of will, formed a scroll in between them. Naruto arched an eyebrow.

"Ha ha. Most amusing. A real one, if you please."

The fox snorted in amusement again, and this time a great surge of blood-stained chakra lifted up and out of itself and coalesced into a crimson scroll, thrumming with power and a sense of reality that the fake simply had not. Naruto took and opened it, then frowned.

"The text as well, please."

Kyuubi seemed to shrug somehow, not at all surprised that the final, last ditch attempt to sabotage their agreement had been caught, and the words on the scroll changed in a fiery glow.

"Much better." Naruto mumbled as he began rapidly but thoroughtly reading through the contract, making sure that the demon hadn't slipped anything extra in, or worse, removed anything.

Party of the first part, Host of the demon Kyuubi, Naruto... to remove enough of the containment seal for the party of the second part to attach to the senses of the party of the first part and, in turn, that the party of the second part... enhanced to a degree not completely intolerable by either the parties of the first or second parts... that the party of the second force shall amplify the current healing rate of the party of the first part sevenfold, save for when the sacrifice of blood is required for the.... party of the second part prepared at all times to immediately remove any harmful influence affecting the body of the part of the first part, be it in origin of poison, seals, magic, or any other... party of the first part agrees to eat raw flesh of the party of the second part's selection, in so much as that selection is neither human or humanoid in origin, nor anything defined as 'likely to cause trouble with local authority' for the party of the first part... and that the party of the second part be constrained by the terms of this contract, bound against causing deliberate harm to the party of the first part or to those called ally by the party of the first part, and finally that the party of the second part shall, in no way, shape, or form attempt further damage to the constraining seal save through further agreement and contract between the parties of the first and second parts, without trickery or fabrications of any sort.

**"You've missed your calling monkey. Not a shinobi, or a mage. You should have become a lawyer."**

"Perhaps. But then I'd almost certainly end in your domains no matter what I did, eh?"

He quickly slashed open one hand wih his athame before spreading it over the palm of the other and leaving a careful hand-print on the scroll, right next to Kyuubi's own spiritual signature. There was a short flash, and an urge to remove a bit of the seal shot to the forefront of his mind, confirming that the deal was now set in stone and irrevocable.

**"Go ahead and tear half of that seal off now."** The demon suggested, to which Naruto rolled his eyes, knowing that it had been coming.

Instead, he slowly removed bit by miniscule bit from the bottom of the seal, and barely a tenth of it had gone before the compelling urge faded and he stepped back, sending a dour glare the demon's way. It simply gave the appearance of shrugging, as if to say 'had to try, didn't I?'

The mental world faded, which he took to mean that he was no longer on the brink of death, as wave after wave of crimson chakra flowed out of the demon's cell.

xxx

Everything... tingled. That wasn't the best way to describe it, but there was really no other word, Naruto found, as he opened his eyes to sparks of red chakra flying around him, and reached up to feel the weight of an extra scroll tucked into his bloodstained cloak.

The three remaining fighters hadn't noticed there was anything wrong yet, Zabuza and Kakashi because they were fighting as hard as they could to simply survive, and the necromancer because he was completely focused on killing them. They certainly noticed when those mere sparks became a surge, a wave, a torrent of chakra, grinding their battle to a halt as it worked its way through him, painlessly tearing his body apart and remaking it into something _nearly_ the same as it was before.

In the same way that an Uchiha, or a Hyuuga, or an Inuzuka was 'nearly' the same as some random civilian. In some degrees that was totally correct, while in others it was completely wrong.

The smells were what hit him first. Rot and death and putrescence, magnified manyfold in a much more sensitive nose. Then the more subtle smells hit him... Kakshi's aftershave, what Zabuza had eaten for breakfast. Then came smells that he wasn't sure about at first, but quickly realized was chakra levels of the ninja fighers. That was interesting, and was followed by still subtler scents that he realized were emotion.

It was utterly fascinating. He would have to record everything later, somehow. In comparison, the other senses weren't nearly so dramatic, until it reached sight.

It took Naruto a long moment before he realized that the glow suffusing most of the occupants of the room, though weakly in Haku, and completely missing in both Sakura and the Lich's, was their actual soul. Astonishing. Shaking the wonder off, he spoke.

"I mu_st t__**hank**_** you**_**, it**__ see_ms, _for __**in s**_**trik**_**ing **__me d_own..." Naruto paused and coughed loudly, spewing up a large quantity of phlegm and blood. The demonic chakra retreated into his body, apparently mortified at his lapse of composure.

"In striking me down..." he continued. "You have only forced me to become more powerful than ever before, and opened up to me spells that I would never before have dared utter."

"Abomination." The Lich whispered, apparently struck near-dumb. "Abomination trafficking with the powers of hell itself..."

"Do you _fear_ Hell, Lich?" Naruto wondered aloud. "How curious, when you do not fear even the wrath of gods."

"Abomination!" the Lich snarled again, removing its focus from the ninja entirely, who made good on the opportunity to catch their breath. "Know that you cannot destroy me-"

"-so long as your soul remains bound to an object remaining in the world, yes, I have read extensively you know. The problem for you..." Naruto leered. "... Is that now I can _see _where you've hidden it."

Naruto darted to the corner, dodging the frantic spell the Lich was able to get off, and wrenched a sconce out of the wall, quickly removing the object from the hole behind it.

"The gem set in your skull is a distraction." he gloated to the Lich, suddenly paralyzed with terror. "Your soul is actually bound... to this. Just an ordinary, fragile glass bauble."

He smirked and the lich dropped all pretenses and dropped to his knees to incoherently beg for the return of his soul.

"You fear hell... because you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that it will be your final destination. So I hold no pity or remorse.. no regret.. for this."

He dashed the bauble to the ground, and the Lich howled in agony as he dissolved to the dust that is all that remains when even bones have given in to the weathering of time.

Naruto ignored the mess as he trudged over to the altars and sighed down at Sakura's remains.

This wasn't right. Much as he would simply mourn her passing and move on on any regular mission, this whole debacle had secretly been his idea, and so in the end it was his fault that she was dead, and Haku was dying.

That was not an outcome that he was willing to accept or own up to. So he would have to change it... to fix things.

The fox seemed to realize what he was about to do and howled a wordless protest as Naruto spoke a single word of Power, one that he'd memorized not recently, but not too long ago, but never thought he would have need to use. Had honestly hoped he would never have to use.

The entire room filled with a blinding white light, and in the peak of its intensity there was a sharp, sudden rasping gasp. Then it faded, and Naruto lowered his hands and slowly collapsed to the side.

Then Haku sat up, carefully feeling himself for the wounds that were no longer there, and confirming that all his extremities were attached again as well. And then... Sakura rose, more slowly and obviously confused she tentatively did the same.

There was no longer so much as a scratch on either of them.

Zabuza moved, carefully moving the limp Naruto to a sitting position against one of the bloodstained altars as Kakashi did the same for Sasuke, then turned to his other student. But it was Sakura who'd answered the question on all their minds.

"What... happened." She whispered dully. In response, Naruto looked up, pale hair falling away from a face that they all realized with a flinch was suddenly lined and worn with age.

"Am I... that hideous?" he rasped dryly. "Don't turn away. This will be... your only chance to see me in such a decrepit state."

"Naruto..." Kakashi whispered. "What did you _do_?"

Naruto grinned wryly.

"You would call it... a forbidden technique. It was a spell... one to grant a wish... any wish... but it exacts a heavy toll. I will soon regain most of my youth.. but not all. And I will never reach the age you see me as now."

"Why..." Sakura whispered. "Naruto... how much...?"

She didn't appear capable of finishing the question, so Naruto hesitated a moment before answering.

"I am now... a year older than I should be. That year was payment simply for casting the spell, and would have been taken even had I not wished for anything. From the end of my lifespan..."

He hesitated again before continuing.

"For the healing of one who was mortally wounded... ten years." He grudgingly admitted, prompting a horrified gasp from Haku. Ten _years._ The average shinobi lifespan was forty to be sure, and only because of those rare few who survived to old age, but to sacrifice ten _years_...

But in their shock, they had missed something that only Sakura caught.

"Naruto... that was Haku... how.. how much was it for...?"

Naruto looked away, having hoped that particular question wouldn't have come up.

"To resurrect one already dead..." He said grudgingly, and slowly, hoping that someone would change their mind about wanting that knowledge. "The cost... Thirty years." he finally admitted, and continued. "as well as the ten years... for healing them of those mortal wounds."

There were several long moments of horrified silence before Sakura collapsed forward into him, sobbing silently and heavily.

Fifty. Fifty-one years. Kakashi turned his head to the side, to disguise the tears flowing freely from his own good eye, and shamefully admitted that even were the option available to him, he would not have been able to sacrifice so much as ten years of his own life to save Obito. To die in battle, suddenly and without much in the way of warning... that was a commonplace thing, which happened with almost depressing regularity. To know your life was cut short though, and to feel the end of your days draw inexorably closer with every breath you took... that was a far more terrifying fate.

The oldest ninja Kakashi knew of was Sarutobi himself, who was in his mid-seventies and didn't expect to see too many more years. Say eighty then. Minus fifty... minus twelve... no, thirteen for that extra year...

"It's alright... don't cry..." Naruto said, plainly having no experience whatsoever in comforting women. "In seventeen years, I can do many things."

It was obviously the wrong thing to say as her sobs only redoubled in intensity and Kakashi could hear her fists tightening in the fabric of his cloak.

xxx

A.N. longer chapter. yay. Also kinda surprising that I continued after my _second_ update to immediately get a _third_ written up. How unusually productive of me. Although, wow, this thing turned into a serious angst-bucket, didn't it?

Also, I seem to have unconsciously copied and tweaked at least one line from another ficcie. Have fun guessing which.

Oh, and, Kyuubi is in. W00T. I guess, I mean, it feels a little wrong to celebrate after the scen above, but still...


	9. Chapter 9

Uzumaki Naruto, Sorceror for Hire

xxx

After the whole incident had drawn to a close, Naruto had started to begin feeling vaguely guilty again. And this time it wasn't just vaguely his fault, but a solid sense of blame that landed squarely and unequivocally upon his own shoulders.

He hadn't lied at all, about the costs the Wishspell had extracted... They would have detected that immediately. It was just... he might have deliberately only said just barely enough that they had drawn a completely incorrect conclusion. A little bit of deception was much harder to detect when comprised completely and totally of the truth, just with bits left out. And then, just maybe, he might have totally destroyed what composure they had remaining with an interesting little fact that, while it was actually a completely off-topic nonsequitor, _sounded_ like it was important to the current subject matter. And it had even been the truth... with everything he'd done so far, he couldn't even begin to imagine where he'd be seventeen years from now.

But he knew where he _wouldn't_ be, which was a coffin. Unless, of course, he ended up having a less than amiable meeting with a vampire at some point in which he somehow failed to come out on top.

But back to the matter at hand, he may well have led the others to believe that the price extracted was going to be every bit as debilitating to him as it would have been to any of them. When the truth of the matter was that in the long run, it was only a minor dip that would soon be corrected.

There were all sorts of counteracting agents... The fox, who he'd had to berate and remind to look at the damn contract again when it had refused to _shut up_. The healing factor he'd had, which was now greatly amplified would be aiding in his lifespan as well, if only through combating the illnesses and day-to-day things that took a toll on ones body. Then, there was the simple fact of his using magic regularly, which extended one's lifespan on its own, even completely ignoring the many, _many_ magical rituals and spells designed specifically to extend the mage's lifespan.

Technically, the only thing he'd lost permamently was the one year he'd used to invoke the spell, and even that could be disguised. Though he probably wouldn't... it was just too neat not being the shortest human around, for once... the difference only an inch or so made. As well as the whole being caught in deception thing, of course.

Now if only he could just find a way to make Sakura stop bursting out into tears every time she happened to glance his way, everything would be pretty much perfect.

In the meantime, pretty much everyone else had their own problems as well.

Sasuke, for instance, simply couldn't get the Mangekyou to manifest again no matter what he did, or how he screwed up his face and concentrated on setting something on fire. It just didn't work. After a while, he had simply given up in disgust and begun rationalizing his failure with the limited information available to him, as nobody was going to talk about what had gone down in that hooded freak's 'house'.

Obviously, Sakura hadn't actually died... he thought, carefully repressing the image of the state she'd been in, where it wasn't possible for her to have still been alive. She'd just looked dead and while it was convincing enough for a brief activation, the Mangekyou itself had somehow caught on to having been tricked. Obviously. And completely ignoring that he was thinking of his eyes as though they were independent from the rest of his body.

Zabuza and Kakashi were both lost in thought over what had happened. But while Kakashi was distracted by writing up a heavily edited report to be left at the drop zone (blaming the disappearances on a pack of rabid alligators), Zabuza was planning a question and answer session the moment Naruto could be caught alone. While the nukenin was more than aware of the propensity for Konoha to believe in the 'redemption' of what they loosely termed the bad guys, this was just ridiculous. That spell went against the grain of everything Zabuza had learned about the blonde runt, and so there had to be something she was missing.

Haku wasn't nearly as complicated in his reaction to the situation. He was the sort of person that easily fell into obsessions... but the simple fact remained that Zabuza-sama no longer had the correct bits for that sort of thing. Fortunately enough, Naruto-kun had done something more or less equal to when Zabuza had taken him in, so while the loyalty to Zabuza-sama remained... the obsession had found a new target in Naruto-dono. Like chilly ice, Haku's face never once revealed how he had begun mentally undressing the sorceror of the group.

And Sakura was going through all sorts of emotional turmoil, which was compounded by other matters. She had begun to consider the fact that she might not be... entirely sane any longer.

She had begun seeing things.

It had begun in that horrible, horrible place that the hooded monstrosity had brought them to, when she had... woken up. At first, it had just been tiny specks of light floating here and there, that she had written off as her eyes playing tricks on her, or the aftereffects of some sort of jutsu. Then those tiny sparks had slowly magnified and drawn together, very slowly forming into vague, humanoid outlines, drifting slowly in place.

Then they had left, and it wasn't until the next time she'd seen one of those awful manifestations that she'd realized how thankful she was that they had. It had been an hour down the road towards the drop zone, and they had passed a slowly decaying body in a ditch. None of the others had paid it much mind, except for perhaps a brief show of respect for the dead, but Sakura had fallen out of step.

There, hovering above the body and staring down mournfully at it, had been the translucent figure of a young girl, still bearing the wounds inflicted upon her and the slit throat that had led to her death, staining her torso a sort of grey color that Sakura had no difficulty imagining to be red. Then she had glanced up, and their gazes had locked.

It couldn't have been too long, but it had seemed to be hours that they had stood there, just staring at each other, before the apparition had lifted a single hand and begun to slowly, ever so slowly, drift forward and down towards Sakura, who had been paralyzed for some reason. Not out of fear... but some unfamiliar sense of sorrow that locked her limbs in place and stilled her tongue. The girl was mere inches away when Kakashi had called back to her. It had seemed to break the spell, and Sakura had quickly turned to catch up with the group, steadfastly ignoring the uncanny sense of longing and the ghostly eyes burning into her back.

They had passed two more, a man that had been more of a pincushion, filled with badly made arrows, and another that seemed to have died of exposure during a rainstorm. She did her best to ignore them, and in turn they didn't even acknowledge the passing shinobi. But still, even seeing such a thing... it left her doubting herself a little more every time.

xxx

'God of Death' was actually a pretty boring job. Certainly, every other decade or so some moron was both knowledgeable and desperate enough to trade in their soul for some sort of favor or other, which was an offer usually complied with less for the payment offered and more just to break up the monotony, but aside from that, it was pretty dead. Just overseeing people move into his jusrisdiction.

As such, someone effectively sticking around for only a few minutes, then deciding to turn around and go right back was a pretty big deal. It wasn't like it had never happened before, it was actually a pretty regular thing if one took into account those cultists that would pop in for a second or two anywhere between a dozen and hundreds of times before finally staying, but this was more of an unplanned resurrection on the living-impaired half of the equation, and the Shinigami kept track of who was scheduled for those well in advance. And none of the names currently on that short-list were girls.

Which meant one of two things. Either some other god was mucking around in his notes and schedules for their own amusement, always a possibility and if that was the case it was most likely one of the ones associated with chaos, trickery, or simple mischief, though you could never really be sure what some deities would do to pass the time... or there had been some sort of vast, but subtle shift in the mortal world that had thrown off everything.

The Shinigami almost found itself hoping for the second. Certainly there would be nobody to punish if that was the case, as gods were pretty limited when it came to mortal affairs, but...

It would make things interesting, for at least a little while. That alone would make up for all the effort he would have to go to to correct his schedules.

xxx

Sakura snapped awake and inhaled breath to scream in the same moment as she saw what was directly above her before she clamped down on the urge and bit her tongue. It would have gotten the whole camp's attention, and what would she have said then?

'Sorry, but it turns out this dead girl followed me here. No, I'm not crazy, you just can't see her.'? That would go over well.

"Go away." she hissed at the specter, who cocked her head to the side in curiosity.

_'Ssssseeeeee?'_ the dead girl replied, voice somehow seeming dusty from disuse and echoing like the word had been whispered up from the bottom of a well.

"Yes... I can see you. Why did you follow me? I don't want-"

"It followed _because_ you can see it." Naruto said from nearby, as he slowly sat up from his own bedroll. "Hmph... I thought I sensed an undead following us. Fortunately, this one doesn't seem hostile, or you wouldn't be the only one who could see it."

"But _why_ can I see her?" Sakura whispered, glancing at the others to see if anyone else was awake. Nobody was, and she couldn't quite make up her mind to be upset or relieved by that fact.

"Sakura... for a short time, you were dead. You can't have expected that there would be no side effects from that. You should be thankful that they are so limited... the Wishspell is capricious at times. You could have found yourself alive, and with your bodies wounds healed, but with your flesh still 'dead' and slowly rotting off the bone. It wasn't likely, but there's always the possibility for whatever interprets the wish will decide to make things go horribly wrong for all parties involved. Another reason it is usually a forbidden technique... but we got off lucky."

'Lucky?' Sakura mouthed soundlessly, once more reminded of the sacrifice that-

"Don't fall apart on me!" Naruto barked, shocking her back to reality as he grumbled about something under his breath.

"You're elemental affinity is another thing to consider."

"Earth.. what-"

"Shut up and let me explain!" He growled, cowing Sakura back into silence. "Now... you're thinking of earth only in the sense of the element itself. The ground beneath your feet, the elemental jutsu you use... you fail to realize that there is a spiritual element to it as well. It isn't your fault... I don't think even Kakashi knows or cares about such things. But stop to think about it... When we die, our bodies are interred in the earth... If we're lucky." He admitted. "Then, from the earth grows the plants that we either eat ourself or feed to animals which are slaughtered to serve as our food. We are nourished by the earth, and then our bodies return to the earth, to be used to grow and nourish new life. In this sense, of the five main elements shinobi use, Earth is the one most attuned.... to death and rebirth."

Sakura's eyes widened as she considered the logic of that argument.

"Heh... I must say that I'm curious to see... what will happen the next time you open yourself to your element."

The dead girl, seeming irritated at being ignored, floated inbetween them and loomed up into Sakura's face, as if to say 'pay attention to me!'. Naruto frowned and his eyes crossed, not quite able to focus on her.

"What is it doing?" He asked calmly.

"You... can't see?"

"I wouldn't have asked if I could." he confirmed. "I can tell that _something_ is there, yes... and if I focus enough, I can even begin to see a slight blur... but unless she chooses to reveal herself to full view, that's all I'm going to get."

The conversation didn't progress much from there, and soon Naruto simply went to sleep, leaving Sakura to deal with the persistent revenant as she would. Eventually, she drifted off as well, not comfortable with the dead girl's presence, but more than aware that there was nothing she could really do about it at this point.

She was still there at daybreak, and floated slowly around Sakura as they packed up and left, falling quickly behind them. Sakura had no doubt, though, that she would catch up.

The dead did not tire.

xxx

The reports they wrote for the Hokage were much more detailed and complete, and still left the old man shaking his head in wonder. In spite of everything... it seemed that Naruto had inherited that infamous sense of self-sacrifice that had led his father to...

He sighed, and flipped through the reports. Naruto seemed to put a great deal of effort into most of his persona. It was difficult to tell at this point how much was really him, and how much of his personality was affected. One thing that was for sure was that at the very least, the boy seemed to feel that people _knowing_ that he had done a good deed was someting to be ashamed of.

Or perhaps it was just them knowing the size of that deed. Either way, he could easily imagine the blonde genin running off from his team to mourn his loss in silence. This deserved the good stuff, Sarutobi decided as he removed his official hat and fished around for the flask hidden inside.

And to top everything off, the Chuunin exam would be happening soon.

xxx

"There's something... different about you, boss. Did you get a haircut?"

"Ha ha ha." Naruto drolly replied, shrugging off the query. "Did you keep an eye on 'that', like I told you, Kazumi?"

"Sure, sure. Kept an eye on it, put out the fire when it turned blue, no problem. Though I do think it's a little demeaning that you left me behind to deal with a batch of Mana potion."

"It was supposed to have been a simple enough trip that I would have a chance to pick some things up while we were in the mire. Instead... zombies."

"Ouch."

"Believe me, once we ran into the Necromancer living there, I had very much begun to regret my decision to leave you-"

Zabuza finally realized that neither Naruto nor his familar were going to acknowledge her presence and slammed a fist down onto the table.

"Much as I hate to interrupt..." She growled, cut off as Naruto raised a hand.

"Don't worry. I may have... withheld some of the truth. I won't be dying before I've figured out how to fix you." Naruto paused, then shrugged. "Of course, you might have died by then, so I'm not sure how much good the information does you."

Zabuza growled in disgust and left, leaving Naruto to carefully ladle the blue liquid into vials on his own, with Kazumi nattering on about how bored she had been and periodically trying to guess what was different about him, each one getting more outlandish and further from the truth as time went on.

When she finally began wondering aloud if it was perhaps that he'd lost his virginity, and then compounded it by trying to decide who the most likely other person involved had been, he finally lost it and stalked calmly out of the room before he did something that he wouldn't at all regret.... until Soun showed up.

xxx

In the end, Naruto had had to go through every herbalist and greengrocer's in Konoha's markets to pick up some of the components he'd missed the chance to collect. They were expensive, as the shopkeepers had no compunction against charging him hand over fist and any attempt at haggling simply ended in him being turned out emptyhanded, and it took a lot of time.

For once, he only barely beat Kakashi to the meeting place. Also for once, Kakashi had had a legitimate reason for his tardiness, in the three forms for the chuunin exam coming up. Then, of course, the man had disappeared with barely any explanation, only an 'if you want to compete, fill it out and show up'. Typical.

Naruto sighed and began digging for a pen as he wandered through the village, then paused as he heard a soft 'thump' of someone running into someone. Then the soft growl of someone complaining that it had hurt, followed by a smacking noise.

He quietly investigated, and arrived at the scene just in time to see some guy in black pyjamas and makeup smack a little kid in the face... a second time, if he hadn't heard wrong. His lip twisted in disgust, the paper secreted in his cloak entirely forgotten.

"Oh, my... someone's certainly a big, bad boy." He drawled sarcastically. "Beating up some runt... that's a real test of your ninja skills. Going to steal her lunch money next?"

The unfamiliar nin snarled and dropped the girl, who scampered out of the way quickly.

"I hate runts who don't know their place. And it looks like another one just popped out of the woodworks." He growled, removing a large, cigar shaped package from his back. "I'm gonna-"

Naruto interrupted him with a blast of lightning to the face, followed by a brief cone of flame that engulfed the entire street, then walked up and crotch-stomped him a few times for good measure. The Kyuubi took all sorts of delight in every moment of it.

"You know, for ninja? Lot of real morons." he said aloud, before kicking the groaning nin in the jaw. "Save the speeches for _after_ the battle. Moron."

He turned around and walked away. A couple of streets down, he paused and looked back, to where the brat from before was unsuccessfully hiding behind a lightpost.

"You're... not fooling anyone, you know. Go away. I don't have time to babysit you."

The girl stepped out from her 'hiding place', frowning, and Naruto finally got a glimpse of milky-white eyes.

"I could have dealt with him. I didn't _need_ your help." The Hyuuga-brat stated authoratively. Naruto snorted and started walking away again.

"Whatever."

"I'm not thanking you!"

"Sure, fine, now go away runt. I've got more important things to deal with."

A vein popped out on the girl's head.

"I'm not done talking to you!"

"I'm not interested in whatever you have to say."

"Why you-!"

Naruto cut the conversation short by teleporting to the top of a building and continuing to walk away, forgetting for the moment how the Byakugan worked. It was only a minute later that a panting runt had caught up to him.

"Huh... didn't know they taught tree walking in the academy now."

"Private... family training... we focus on control, and-THAT ISNT IMPORTANT!" she interrupted herself.

"But seriously..." Naruto continued. "You're a persistent brat."

"I am a main house Hyuuga of the head family. You will stop calling me names at once." She said, returning to her attempts to use authority.

"Annoying, too. Don't you have some dolls to play with, runt?"

"I KILL YOU!" She howled, pushed beyond reason as she rushed to the attack.

After a long moment, Naruto sighed as he lifted his arm, where the brat had clamped on with both arms and legs and was feverishly gnawing in an attempt to chew through his cloak and sink her fangs into the soft flesh beneath. Not happening, but she didn't seem to intend to give up anytime soon.

"Look, brat." He decided after another fruitless minute had gone by. "If I buy you a toy, or some candy, or something... will you go home?"

"...............Whuh kng ob cnndy?" she replied, not bothering to release any part of her death-grip.

Shortly afterwards, with a rainbow-flavored lollipop larger than her head, Hanabi walked calmly and primly back into the Hyuuga mansion.

"And how was your day, Hanabi-sama" asked Neji, who had been pressed into doorman duties for the day, in a monotone.

"I had fun!" she chirped. "I met a nice boy, Neji-niisan. He saved me from a bully, and we played together, and he bought me candy..."

"That's very nice, Hanabi-sama." Neji replied, still monotone.

".... And he has cute whisker-marks on his-"

"I WILL KILL YOU AND DESECRATE YOUR GRAVE!" Neji howled in a torrent of pain and anguish and rage towards the Main House.

"What was that?"

"Nothing at all, Hanabi-sama. Tea?"

xxx

"Where the hell is Kankurou?" Temari growled as she polished her fan for the third time in an hour. "I only sent him to get some milk, what could he possibly..?"

The sliding door slammed open and a heavily singed and smoking Kankurou limped in, slamming a quart of milk onto the table in front of Temari as the entire team from Suna stared.

"Nobody say... a fucking _word_." The puppeteer snarled, before turning and hobbling to the shower.

xxx

A.N. Bit short, I know.

Finally in the Chuunin exams. Woot... I guess. And now you guys begin to see why I picked Earth as Sakura's elemental affinity. Not that I think anyone _really_ care.

And yes... the entire Hyuuga family is kinda cuckoo. I can do that... I have the author powers.


	10. Chapter 10

Uzumaki Naruto, Sorceror for Hire

xxx

You couldnt take two steps in the Uchiha district without having to walk through a ghost. It was no wonder, Sakura reflected, that Sasuke was so... cold, and driven, given that he spent the vast majority of his time there.

She'd tried to wander through and find him, but it had only been a matter of minutes at best before the sheer, palpable magnitude of death that had occurred here had gotten to her and she'd had to stagger right back out and clutch desperately at a street lamp until she'd caught her breath.

So much for that idea... it seemed she wouldn't be getting Sasuke's input on the upcoming exam after all. She briefly considered trying to hunt Naruto down... then reconsidered after recalling the two or three times that she'd tried before. No, if Naruto wanted to be alone, there was no way she would be able to find him.

In similar manner, Kakashi was also struck off that list, and she'd never been particularly close to either Zabuza or Haku. That left only one person.

"No time to train today kid, I've got stuff to do. Take a day off."

"Wait! I... need to talk to someone."

Anko didn't look particularly impressed at the announcement, but at the very least she hadn't left yet.

"Kakashi-sensei... today, he's offered us the chance to participate in the chuunin exams. I'm sure that Naruto and Sasuke won't think twice about entering, but...." Sakura trailed off, not sure what else to say, or how to say it.

"But you're not confident that you're capable of taking that exam yet." Anko finished for her. "Can't say I blame you. It's been what... barely a few months since you made genin? Most take a lot longer than that to actually be ready... and even then, there's a really high death rate. I guess by your face that Kakashi _didn't_ drop that little tidbit on you."

He hadn't, and Sakura was even less confident now.

"I just... I don't... I'm not sure that I'm ready yet... to kill..."

Anko snorted, then let loose a howl of laughter.

"Ah... that's rich. Not 'I don't wanna die', but 'I don't wanna have to kill'. Gotta say though, that you've picked the wrong proffession. Even if you dropped my training right now, went into the medic program, and never left Konoha's walls again, you'd still have to kill someone, somewhere down the line. There are times when someone's beyond all hope, and that's the last mercy available."

Sakura's head drooped a little, humiliated. But it wasn't like she could really explain her reasonin, or go too deep into her sudden shyness of death.

"S'not like its exactly an uncommon problem though." Anko admitted. "Just... wasn't expecting something like that to set in for a while yet. Something happened... on your last mission, didn't it? No, don't tell me. That's personal stuff, and I don't want to hear about it. Fact remains though... as a ninja, you're going to be ordered to kill someone sooner or later. You're just going to have to deal with that, because there's no escaping it. As for when your orders don't involve assassination..."

Anko paused, then shrugged.

"You'll just have to figure that out on your own. But one thing you should keep in mind... lots of ninja that are KIA? It was usually at the hands of someone that they'd fought before, but _not_ finished off. Think about that."

Anko was silent for a very long moment before she drew a scroll out from somewhere in her tossed it idly to Sakura.

"I don't really think you're _quite_ ready for this... but I'm not going to be available for training for the next month or so, so I might as well pass this along now and see what you make of it. It's an application of the summoning technique... Suggest you pick up something with long, loose sleeves for it."

xxx

In spite of not synchronizing their watches, team Seven showed up at pretty much exactly the same time, with two birds perched on Naruto's shoulders.

"Are those..." Sakura got out, pointing vaguely at the birds, but not able to quite complete the question. Naruto shrugged.

"They just refused to stay behind..." He said. "So this was obviously the best solution for everyone."

The raven seemed to disagree with that conclusion, cawing and beating its wings rapidly before settling down and turning away in disgust. The smaller sparrow simply considered for several moments before pecking repeatedly and incessantly at Naruto's ear, until he flipped the hood of his cloak up to make it stop.

Sasuke hesitated with the snide remark he'd had ready at just how different his teammate suddenly looked, then shook it off and turned inside instead, mumbling something vaguely about not taking the blame if he got caught sneaking them in.

There was a subtle tugging of genjutsu trying to set in as they reached the second floor, and Sasuke hesitated again, trying to decide whether or not to show off a little by humbling whoever had set it up... and then the moment passed, with Sakura and Naruto not even pausing as they continued up the stairs to the third floor and he had to move slightly faster than norml to keep his place.

Kakashi was waiting for them and nodded at the trio before stepping away from the door an flickering away, not giving the birds a second glance.

Somehow, Sasuke knew without even turning around that Naruto was either smirking, or mouthing 'told you so' at his back.

Team seven was actually a little early, and one of the first groups into the room. Seemed like a lot of people were being held up... Sasuke snorted, recalling that thing on the second floor as he suddenly realized its purpose. No matter... if they were dumb enough to be drawn away by such a simple trick, then they didn't deserve to be here.

xxx

Naruto had been disgusted with the first exam. A _paper test_. Seriously. And the questions hadn't even been terribly difficult. Oh yes, that last bit had been a twisty catch, and people had been sent out in droves because of it, but he was still pretty disappointed in the whole thing.

In comparison, the second exam was shaping up to be pretty good.

"Five _days_?" a portly kid that Naruto vaguely recognized from the academy cried in shock. "What are we supposed to do about _food_?"

"Not my problem kid. Try to pick out plants that aren't poisonous, find something that you can eat before it tries to eat you, hell barbeque one of the other contestants for all I care. We had you sign those disclaimers of responsibility for a reason."

Not many of the assembled genin took that pronouncement calmly... and it didn't exactly help that the Akimichi... Naruto still couldn't for the life of him recall anything but his family name... had apparently taken the female proctor completely seriously and was now eyeing up the other genin with the air of a butcher who'd walked into a chicken coop.

The two or three others who were making equally unsubtle appraisals, including Naruto himself, didn't much help either.

"In any case, like I said, you start off with one scroll.. either marked 'Heaven' or 'Earth'. You get five days to make it to the tower in the middle of this training ground with two scrolls... both Heaven _and_ Earth. Go over the time limit, you fail. Don't get the second scroll, you fail. One of your teammates dies, you fail. And the contents of the scrolls are a secret... open them before you make it to the tower and guess what? You fail. That simple enough for you?"

There was a vague sort of grumbling of assent from the gathered chuunin hopefuls, and the time seemed to stretch out into a sense of intermenable boredom for Naruto as his attention wandered further and further away... then snapped back into focus as he found himself waiting outside one of the many gates into the patch of hugely overgrown forest that made up the training ground. Haku-sparrow had made his way inside the hood and decided to take a nap at some point, while Zabuza the raven had started a staring contest with the amused chuunin guarding the gate and toying with a stopwatch.

Then that proctor opened the gate and his teammates were off in a flash, leaving him behind as he sauntered slowly in, rather than put too much effort into this right at the very beginning.

Naturally, Sasuke was less than pleased with having to stop and wait for the mage to catch up. And he had no compunctions about soundly berating him for it, albeit in a lowered volume. Naruto just took it for a minute before responding.

"Do you know how to track people, then?"

Sasuke started to reply, then stopped, realizing that that was, in fact, _not_ one of the skills that he was well practiced in. Sakura freely admitted the same, but hesitantly pointed out that maybe a snake could help.

"Right. As such, there was really no point to either of you running off ahead of me. Wait here, five minutes.'

Naruto tugged his crystal ball out of his cloak and mumbled something under his breath before wandering off. Sure enough, five minutes later he was back, scroll in hand and a blindfolded and tied up genin from that new Sound village underneath one arm.

"Well, that was anticlimactic." Sakura admitted. "What's with her?"

"Seems her team split up to hunt for scrolls... pretty dumb."

"I think she meant 'why did you take her too?'." Sasuke countered.

"Oh... that. Hostage. Bartering chip. Meat shield. Emergency food supply. Pick a reason."

The genin whimpered softly, fumbling just a little more frantically with the little blade she was slowly working out of her sleeve. Naruto absently plucked it away from her and tossed it in a random direction.

"Well... you can just let her go outside the tower then. If we don't have to hunt for other teams and just run flat out, we'll be there in... fifteen minutes?" Sasuke guessed.

xxx

It was an accurate guess. Orochimaru, who had known that there was no noted tracker on team Seven, would be most disappointed when he finally realized that they had struck it lucky, or rather, won the grand prize of a lottery, in finding a scroll and getting to the tower before he picked up their trail, and fast enough to miss all the genin that were huddling near their gates and making plans to set up traps and ambushes, or circling the outside of the forest to find those plan-makers.

Ironically enough, it merely cemented his desire to... 'claim' the Last Uchiha of Konoha for himself.

xxx

"Well, that test was a dud." Sasuke decided aloud. "What now?"

"Open the scrolls." Naruto suggested.

"But-"

"Look Sakura, I could make my case here with a variety of logical points and convince you that I'm right but, really, I've been having a very disappointing day and just don't feel like it. Just open the scrolls."

Sasuke did, and Kakashi appeared in a puff of smoke, entirely naked save for his mask and forehead protector, hair heavily shampooed, wet, and singing softly to himself. It took him several long, awkward moments to realize he was no longer in his shower, and even then only because Sakura had begun taking pictures, having a heavy sense of blackmail opportunism instilled into her by Anko.

Kakashi stared at them for a long moment, then withdrew a watch from... somewhere... and stared at it before looking up again, completely ignoring the flashes from Sakura's cheap ninja-spy-pen camera.

"That was unduly expedient of you." He stated flatly. "It's not even been- Naruto." He cut himself off.

"What?"

"Who's the girl, Naruto?" He asked dryly, and the hooded mage straightened up, subtly jerking the rope tied around her neck in a quick and dirty fascimile of a collar and leash.

"Prisoner of War, sir. Intend to thoroughly interrogate her as to the strengths and weaknesses of her village, keep her confined until her team forfeits this stage or runs out of time and fails, then... either auction her off to the highest bidder, keep her as a pet, or simply execute her on the spot. Haven't decided yet."

"Ah... well.... Good for you. One moment."

"Didn't I tell you to get rid of her outside the tower?" Sasuke hissed irately.

"Hey, you aren't the boss."

Kakashi wandered out of the room through an interior door, then wandered back in a minute later with a towel wrapped around his hips and a book in hand, which he was rapidly flipping through. After a minute he finished and set it to the side.

"Well... I think nothing like this has ever happened before. On the other hand, and probably closely related to that fact, there are no actual rules against it as such, so.... carry on, I guess."

The bound and still-blindfolded kunoichi whimpered again, severely intimidated. She didn't know who had captured her, as it had happened so suddenly and quickly, she didn't know what village they belonged to, and so she had no idea what to expect. That was, frankly, terrifying.

Standard Oto-nin protocol in this sort of situation was to quietly go along with whatever happened, but take the earliest opportunity to either escape or kill yourself. Escape sounded good... but given how thoroughly she'd been disarmed, and the fact that she'd specialized to the point that without her bells, she was pretty much a pushover, it wasn't looking likely. At this point, best bet was to wait for a chance to hang herself on the bit of rope around her neck.

"You should know, though, that a POW of your very own is a really big responsibility though, Naruto. You have to keep it clean and feed it at least once or twice a week, and you have to keep a close eye on it so it doesn't die before you want it to. Oh and, you know, if its village leader contacts us about this we'll probably need to discuss things with Hokage-sama, but given that there was always a chance of immediate death or worse in these exams to begin with, whoever it is probably won't put up much of a fuss."

Her hopes twisted and died at the rapid de-humanization as her captor immediately loosened the noose from her neck and looped it around the bits of thick wire holding her arms tied behind her back instead.

"Thanks sensei."

"Right. Now, I was supposed to give you this whole big speech about the purpose of this test, tying it into the scrolls and the poem on the wall, but to be perfectly honest I can't be bothered right this second. I'll send you a memo later, if you really want it. Meanwhile, let's get you kids a set of rooms. You'll be spending the better part of a week here."

Sasuke grunted softly and left the room only a moment behind Kakashi, the others trailing slightly behind as Naruto jerked his captive to her feet.

"This... really isn't right, Naruto." Sakura said, troubled. "Taking someone prisoner, just because you can and nobody will stop you? What if she has a family in... music note village, or what if-"

"I think I have to change her clothes. These do nothing for her. Do you have anything frilly, with ribbons and lace, Sakura?" Naruto asked, 'innocently'.

"Oh! Yes... and we should really do something about those split ends. We'll make a day of it and makeover- No! Bad Naruto! Stop tempting me!"

"Aww... come on, Sakura. It'll be fun! For us." He hastily qualified.

The raven on his shoulder made a noise very much like a choked snort, but distorted by having to travel through avian vocal cords and a beak. For her part, the captured kunoichi's worries had suddenly shifted to indignation, and a sudden uncertainty about her chosen apparel.

xxx

Kakashi had disappeared after marking a Konoha symbol with a superimposed '7' into the door plaque, to go finish his shower. Or possibly to just shut it off so as to keep his water bills down. Kazumi was just glad that they were inside a building and so safe. Relatively.

In the fifteenish minutes it had taken them to get here, the concealed familiar had nearly been eaten three times. First by large, hideous slug-like things that had actually turned out to be leeches, then by a snake as she paused to rest from the exertion dodging the falling leeches had brought. The third time had been a ridiculously huge centipede that had been remarkably silent and sudden in both its arrival and attack. That one had come the closest, its mandibles closing around her with scarcely a hairs breath between them and her fragile skin before she drained her reserves in hurling a blast of pure magic down its throat, not having the time to shape it into any form of spell.

It hadn't been immediately killed by the attack, surprisingly, but it most certainly hadn't been happy as it lurched wildly about and thrashed in agony on the ground as she made her getaway. Either the thing wouldn't last the night, or it would mutate into something even more horrible than it already was, and either way Kazumi wanted no more part of that forest.

On the other scale of things, Zabuza was only becoming mildly grumpy about the new form overlaid on top of the other new form, but understood that Naruto couldn't just use this spell to fix that previous transformation. In the same vague sense that he'd understood once that it wasn't a terribly good idea to think too much about where Haku's gaze tended to linger in the bathhouses. In short, Zabuza just grumpily accepted matters when Naruto had said it wouldn't work, as what had happened on the bridge was permament, and this was only temporary, with a definite end and reversal point.

Haku, in comparison, had settled into his temporary bird-hood all too easily and happily, taking every opportunity to chirp happily at pretty much everyone and everything. The elder boy on the Suna team had seemed quite aggrieved at it, amplified no doubt by the obvious boiling rage that crossed his face every time his gaze passed over Naruto.

The mage made certain to flaunt his presence in his face as often as possible.

It was two days after their arrival, while Naruto was off teasing and messing with the head of that Suna-nin, that it happened.

xxx

Sasuke came up short just a step into their temporary domicile, Sakura's idle chatter shutting off as he raised one hand.

"Someone's here." He mumbled, eyes darting rapidly through the room, changing to the red hue of the Sharingan with a flicker.

Sakura's hand dropped into her pouch, fondling the shuriken inside and not even hesitating to question if he might be sensing the girl chained to a pattern of boards that had been hastily nailed into a wall. By this point, she had really begun to see her as less of a person and more of a slightly distasteful decoration anyway.

"Where?" She hissed back to him, only to be interrupted as their intruder revealed themselves.

"Kukukuku.... Hello, Sasuke-kun." He..? hissed softly, ignoring Sakura altogether as completely inconsequential.

It burned like a fiery coal in the eye, but she bore the disregard as she edged slowly to the side, both giving Sasuke room to maneuver and setting up for an attack of her own.

"I don't know who you are, but you shouldn't be here." Sasuke stated coldly. "This room is currently off-limits to all but team 7... and, uh... guests." He tacked on, not finding a better way to describe the bound kunoichi quite in time to save all of his dignity.

"Kukuku. Perhaps I am a guest? How do you know your teammate hasn't-"

"Sen'ai jashu!" Sakura snarled, thrusting a hand forward as she summoned a fairly common but poisonous snake, which launched itself automatically.

Had it been any other attack, the disguised Sannin would have avoided it entirely and without any real effort on his part whatsoever. However, the shock and sheer burning _gall_ at having some mere, random slip of a girl use his own technique against him, no matter how ineffectively, left him stock still. Just for a moment... just the span of an eyeblink at most. But long enough for the attack to hit home.

It was only a moment after that that Sakura realized that something was wrong, as the intruder had been bitten in the jugular, but hadn't yet dropped to the floor and begun spasming in agony. Then the snake dispelled itself, just before an aura of murderous intent filled the room.

"Sssso. Little Anko-chan hass found an apprenticsse of her very own. How lovely." He snarled, each syllable feeling like knives digging into the flesh of everyone else in the room. "Commendable effort, brat. Now let me show you how it's done. SEN'AI JASHU!"

When he unleashed the technique, it put Sakura's pale imitation to shame... over a dozen serpents, each as thick around as a beefy mans wrist and each twice as deadly as the one she had summoned shot forward, impaling her with venomous fangs and slamming her against the wall with momentum alone.

She hacked once, violently, spewing a large mouthful of blood before they retracted and dispersed, leaving her to slump to the floor. Quivering, breath steadily slowing, and eyes rapidly glazing over.

"Kukukuku. Without immediate medical attention... she won't last another minute. What will you do now, Sasuke-kun?"

Orochimaru turned, to see that Sasuke had dropped to one knee and was clutching at his forehead and scalp with enough force that rivulets of blood had begun to trickle down. Then his gaze snapped up, spinning pinwheels morphing into a-

Orochimaru got a body flicker off just in time to see the wall that had been directly behind him erupt into a gout of black flames. Then Sasuke's remaining knee gave out, leaving him supporting himself by his hands alone, panting and sweating heavily from the exertion.

"So disappointing, Sasuke. And yet, so interesting as well." The sannin said as Sasuke's eyes morphed back into pinwheels and then to his normal pools of black, not having enough chakra remaining to sustain even that level.

"Kukuku."

It was Sasuke's anguished scream, a moment later, that drew a nearby test proctor to investigate, and by that time Orochimaru had already left, leaving behind his token to the Uchiha, Sakura, who's breathing came to a complete stop just a moment after the door opened, and the pawn that had so completely failed his plans.

xxx

A.N.

Haha, you thought Sasuke would be getting out of the Curse Seal, didn't you? Nuh-uh.

And yes, Kin's teammates are very unhappy right now. Also yes, Sasuke can use the Mangekyou. But because he's screwed up in the head, only when Sakura is either dead or dying.

While this will be an uncommon occurence, it won't actually be too terribly rare, so expect another Amaterasu or two out of brooding boy at critical moments. Also, expect him to be completely useless after that.

Also, see my profile. Specifically the bit about BvS. Yeah, I'm eying you, buddy... I need recruits for my dark armies.


End file.
